Teenage Scribblings

Be A Singer, Be A Lover.

2010-01-03T11:39:00.002Z

Happy new year. Happy birthday. I made 3 millions nps. I've had my dog for exactly a year. Fabulous things that aren't worth talking about.

If my calculations are correct, and I believe they are, if we go to university straight after college we may be moving out of our homes next year. Next year. It's so close. I've already learnt from last year that the final two years of anything go incredibly fast. I still feel like I'm in year 10, I haven't moved on from there yet. I'm eating the same food, wearing the same clothes, have the same hair, mostly the same friends with a few added extras, still hanging around with the same people. Everything is all the same but I'm quite happy with it at the moment.

So I said I wouldn't talk about new year but what about new years resolutions? I'm getting a six-pack this year. It's been decided. Although I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I've got to finish this damn film studies essay first but I've lost the sheets.

I love how excuses can be formed from the simplest of things. ♥

Do Not Read Beauty Magazines...

2009-12-29T15:45:00.002Z

...they will only make you feel ugly. Difficult though isn't it? How else will we know how to fit in?

I've only got two days left of being sixteen and I've had such an amazing year of it. So my birthday last year, it wasn't the greatest, it wasn't the worst. It was quite and small and I liked it I suppose. This year I've done so many things. Well maybe not loads but more than I imagined I would.

I finished school.
I passed my exams.
I met new people.
I made new friends.
I started college.
I went to a premiere.
I met Aled, Annie and Grimmy.
I spent far too much time down the beach.
I grew to love more people.
I changed ever so slightly.
I said goodbye to a lot of people.
I got a dog.
I redecorated.
I decided what I want to be like.
I went through a lot of glue.
I cried over laughable things.
I laughed about the upsetting.
I broke habits.
I began adjusting.
I grew.
I learnt to appreciate.
And I missed a lot of people.

A good year for me which I will miss very very much. I hope 17 is going to be just as lovely; if not better. Even if my birthday is crappy.

Dear Mum.

2009-12-20T22:13:00.002Z

You just said that you don't like seeing me hurt. You said you hate seeing me thing upset. You said you haven't seen me this upset in years. But what if you're the reason that I'm hurt? What if you're why I'm upset? What if you're the whole reason for everything. Everything I've been hiding from you. Everything I've kept locked up and hidden away from your prying eyes? Because I'll tell you, you are the reason and the sole purpose for me crying right now. You're why I hide so much from everyone I meet. You're why I can't tell you why or what or when or how.

It's not that I don't trust you or love you because I do. I trust you. And I love you. Very much. But that doesn't mean I want to tell you everything. I don't tell you because I love you. I don't want to hurt you just like you don't want to hurt me. That's why it's so difficult to tell you these things when the time comes simply because I love you and I trust you and I would hate to see you in any kind of pain.

I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for the emotions I feeling. For the words that I've said and the many more that are to come. I'm not sorry at all for anything I'm going to do. And I'm not sorry for the fact that I don't want to talk tonight. I just want you to leave me alone for now. Let me sort this out the way I always sort it out. Let me toss and turn and cry and hurt as much as I can because then I know I won't be so hurtful to you. I would have inflicted it all onto myself rather than hurt you in any way.

I'm sorry I'm so much like you and I hate it. I know I'm going to be exactly the same as you and in some ways I already am. I don't drink or do drugs or lose control because I know I'm going o be exactly like you if I do and I hate it. I hate it. Hate hate hate it. I wish I wasn't so much like you. I wish I was my own person and could grow up not knowing what was to come but I can't. I will always be like you. I can't stop or change this no matter how much I wish I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could change this but I can't. I'm trying to learn to live with it but it's hard. It's hard knowing what I'm going to be like. Hard knowing that one day I will be in the exact same position that you are in tonight. I don't want to know.

I'm not sorry and I loved you.

Open Up A Little Happiness Today.

2009-12-15T19:27:00.003Z

I've figured that at some point in either the near or distant future I'd quite like to give speed dating a go. It seems quite the 'hip' thing to do at the moment; according to Rev Run's two daughters. I thank MTV for this enlightenment.

Plus, with speed dating you don't get stuck with some random at a bar or where ever talking into your ear with their stinking beer breath about things you don't want to hear. You have an excuse to walk away to a more suitable person and everyone in the room will be in the same position as you. And even if you don't end up finding someone you like, at least you know you won't be the only one - there will always be one other person. Unless of course, everyone gives out their numbers apart from you but then, that it's very likely, is it?

But like I said, I don't exactly plan to do this just yet. I'd like to wait until I'm at least at a suitable age before trying this out.

I'd also quite like to give skydiving a go, just for kicks. And maybe for charity - that way there's no way of getting out of it what with people relying on you to raise money for less fortunate people and all. I just want to have that feeling of euphoria and relief and excitement after landing and see if it's as great as everyone else says it is. And if it takes jumping out a plane at 2500ft then what the hell?

Thinking about it I'd probably have to do it for charity, I think I'd chicken out at the last minute otherwise.

I wonder if I can get to my 100th blog post before the end of 2009? I doubt it but it would be fun to see.

It's Time For Us To Take A Chance.

2009-12-12T21:58:00.004Z

In 7 days my best friend will be 17. In 14 days it'll be Christmas. On the 27th of December I would have had this blog for a year. In 21 days I'll be a whole year older. Numbers numbers numbers. Count count down.

Twenty one. That's almost a month. I've got ages.
But then the winter holidays will be here.
And Christmas will have been.
So I'll have no time at all.

I want a clock for my birthday. An old one that you have to wind up.
And shoelaces. A barbie doll. A packet of tissues. Night nurse. A cup of tea in a proper cup and saucer. A notebook filled with signatures. Albums dedicated to the day. Family and friends. Truths. The moon. A lollipop. More hangers. A good day. Patterns and signs. Books unveiling secrets. A diary that's not mine. Sellotape. Nice wrapping paper. Good health. A rabbit. Feathers. Contact lens. A packet of digestive biscuits. A proper hug. Tissue paper. For my cat to be healthy. Someone new to talk to. A compliment. Handmade birthday cards. A drawing of a person I know. Spoons with the right amount of curve. Badges. A teddy bear. Thrills. A masquerade. A pretty dress. Beautiful people. A haircut. A Christmas jumper complete with reindeer on the front. Class. Hide and seek. Pin the tail on the donkey. A dressing up box. Indie kids. An elephant. Silence. Drums. A banjo player. A new blanket. Gold. Silver. Scarves. Material. A bow tie. A letter. A love.

Tripping Eyes And Flooded Lungs.

2009-12-10T13:38:00.003Z

I'm never too sure how to start something like this without sounding too cliche but then again, I am very so I shouldn't worry.

What's in a world full of people? Well of course there's animals and plants and plastic and wood and glass and outside and inside and curtains and rain and wind and lights and coffee and misspellings and handwriting and clouds and behaviour and attitudes and bi-polar. But what's in everyone's individual worlds?

My world seems to be made up entirely of other peoples. I laugh because of you, I cry because of you, I sing because of you, I imagine because of you, I change and shape because of you. I could list forever the things that make me because of you but the question still stands; what's individual? I've given up trying by now. It take far too much time to think about.

So what about you? Are you make up completely of what you think is individual about yourself or are you made up of other people's ideas and impressions? And are you helping to mould and create other people's world as yours is shaped also? Do your reactions stay individual or could they also be changed because of the people around you?

I'm sixteen. I'm not excited for my birthday. I think I'm meaningful. I know I'm not. I've been influenced and pushed by you all my life. I speak in this accent because of you. I laugh this way because of you. I smell the glue on my hand because of you. I can't taste because of you. I'm sick because of you.

I want college back and I want a project. I need my taste buds back and I need to be better. I have to finish what I started and I have to tell you something.

Does The Pain Weigh Out The Pride?

2009-11-22T19:00:00.002Z

I've had enough of walls and windows and cameras and numbers and notes and money and that crushing feeling of disappointment. I no longer yearn for the feeling of acceptance and I never want to rise to your expectations again. I want you to leave me alone. Accept that I'm not going to be like the person you like the most. I'm not that person who you knew 4 years ago. Let me be. Relish in the fact that I can do these things without it bothering me. Why should it worry you if you're not the one acting out these dramas?

Take a step back and allow me to run wild through the paths of your beautiful mind. Let me twist you and change you and shape you; just like you shaped me. Be open to the fact I'm moving on. I've had enough. I need something new. Go your own way if you must. Make sure you hold your own and everything will be fine. Stay strong. I'm not going to do everything.

Let me make my mistakes. Let me cry, let me laugh, let me watch, let me shut it out. I'm not like you were. You never experienced this. You stepped up to the line but I want to go running over it. I feel like you're holding me at my waist and wrestling me back whilst I kick and scream and plead for you to let me go.

I want to run. Run as far as I can. Cut that corner. Take that jump. Pretend I didn't hear you when you call my name. I want to dance under the stars with that one I dreamt about. I want to walk barefoot around the streets; feeling the hard pavement and the sharp, sharp glass. I want to smile with you and know that everything is going to be alright. I want to see you seeing me pushing the borders you told me not to push. I want to shock and surprise and make you angry. I want to make sure you hear me nice and clear.

Let's pretend for a minute that I didn't care. Let's pretend you were calm and didn't mind. That you looked at me like I was safe no matter what happened. What would you say then? How would your react? What would happen after? When all this is over? What if I had a list and you read it and said "Let's go"? Would I be okay with that? Would I be comfortable knowing what you knew? What would I say? Would I smile and laugh? Would you be proud of me when it was all over? Would you have had enough? Or would you make the list longer? As long as it could possibly be?

Truth be told, I'm jealous of you. Jealous that you've already had your chance. Jealous you've made your choices. Jealous you're happy with them and can stop thinking about them. Jealous of the endless amounts of possibilities you're left with. Jealous you know how I'll feel, what I'll think. Jealous you can tell me these things without thinking about what I'll think next. I'm jealous of you. Of everything thing about you.

And yet I don't want to be like you. I don't what to be like you are. I want to be the reverse of you. Someone different and opposite and myself. I can't stop thinking about how you act. I can't stop telling myself that I'm looking at exactly how I'll be soon. I can't stop thinking that the feelings I'm feeling will be the same as everyone else's when the time comes for me to change, morph, grow into you.

I can't stop thinking that I'm the only one to blame for this. I should have realised when I could have. Stopped myself before my chance was gone. Allowed myself to change before you changed me like you did.

I've had enough. I'm safe without you. I need you but not that close. I want to you show me how I can be without becoming that person yourself. I want you to see that I'm not going to be like this for much longer. I want to tell you. Whisper it to you so I can't see your reaction. Set you clues. Let you believe what you want to believe. Maybe you'll believe something different? Maybe you'll understand and blame it on something else? Maybe you'll just accept it and move on? Maybe you'll change too to fit with what's going to happen?

Or maybe you won't.

Loves Songs So Genuinely Cunning.

2009-11-19T18:06:00.002Z

The past few days I seem to have been walking around in some kind of haze, catching snippets of other people's conversations whilst I try to focus on what's going on that directly affects me. Other people's conversations are so interesting; I found myself thinking that everyone else has much more interesting conversations than I seem to have. Not to say that the conversations I have are uninteresting - just that other people's are slightly more interesting.

Take for example one conversation I heard on the train - well, it may have been two, they sort of got mixed as I was concentrating on what someone was saying to me at the time. The people on the train, or one group of people, were talking about 2D and 3D shapes whilst another group of people were talking about people they know and how they seem to despise their very own friends. So that got me thinking about if you could get 2D and 3D people. Or rather, 2D and 3D personalities and beings because obviously everyone's 3D. But back to my point. What if everyone that are usually classed as 'shallow' or uninteresting' or just 'close-minded' were actually 2D? They have no volume to them; no interesting aspects. Squares maybe? I guess that may have been where that phase came from. There is nothing interesting about 2D people - they have sides and corners and that's about it. Nothing supporting them. Nothing that could ever amount to anything.

And then you have your 3D people. People who have volume and are interesting and are supported by their views. Or rather, they can support their views themselves. They're open-minded and have fun and are just all-round interesting people.

So what about the people who are bit of both? Some days they're interesting and sophisticated and fit in and are social but on other day's they're shallow and cold and unmotivated. I think most people would fit in this category as everyone has their ups and downs. But then we have this problem that there's nothing really between 2D and 3D. 2 and a half D? But that isn't really rolling-off-the-tongue very smoothing. It can't possible be 4D as that's above the 3D people; nor can it be 1D as that just don't make sense. So any suggestions?

"I blame you for what happened to Josh" was the next thing I heard in passing. I wonder who Josh is? And more importantly what happened to him? It'll be a headliner for the gossip mags I bet.

And you know what? I'm really sick of people who lie constantly. Again, on the train, I could hear this boy going on and on about his martial arts and how you could kill someone with it and how he was only an orange belt (which coincidentally matches his hair colour) but by the time he's a black belt he'll be able to use all the knifes and kill people with his amazing skills. Seriously, shut up. Martial arts is all about self-defence, not killing people. And no way would your teachers let you anywhere near a knife you poor, pathetic boy. Your compulsive lying has caused the truth to expand just a little too much. You don't count anymore. And I'm not sorry.

Poutle is such an amazing word. Thank you for introducing it too me.

You're A Cut Above All The Rest.

2009-11-13T22:01:00.003Z

So we were sat on the train today after power-walking to the station to desperately try and get the early train when we met a lovely young man. Not a lovely young man as in I wish to make this poor boy my lover but rather he was very gentlemanly. He kindly gave up his seat to us explaining how he got off in two stops anyway. It was so kind of him, I absolutely adore people who are generally friendly.

Like the other day, when I was in town buying things, just as I was waiting for the bus it started heaving it down - much like it is right now in fact. Looking round at the people also waiting for the bus I noticed a woman who looked very prim and proper in that sort of "yes, I've made an effort today and I feel good about it" way not a "I'm better than you" way. MY heart went out to her that evening as she sheltered under her soggy umbrella desperately trying to cover he well-groomed head. So when the bus arrived I told her she could go before me simply because I don't mind the rain and she obviously uncomfortable in it. However, instead of taking up my offer she turned and smiled saying "No, no, you were here first." So not only was she looking incredibly lovely in her smart outfit and recently cut hair, she was also amazingly generous.

I really do appreciate a little kindness now and then. I try to be kind to everyone, to be friendly and helpful. Yet the other day I was told I give off the wring vibes? I was asked if I actually liked one of my friends from college. Jokingly I said no, I hated them with all my heart. So is that what they mean? By sarcasm hurts rather do whatever sarcasm is supposed to do? It's very unnerving when you get told you aren't the one thing you thought you were. I'd just like to apologise to anyone I upset, I really don't mean to, I'm just so used to people accepting the way that I am that I don't think that perhaps I'm upsetting all these new people I'm trying to be friends with.

I really don't want to end on a negative so perhaps a new idea to think about instead? Rather then laughing at that person sitting near you on the bus, or glaring at someone because maybe they're hanging out with the types of people you'd love to be friends with, why not give up your seat to someone? Or compliment someone just because you like what they're wearing or how their hair looks or just because you think they're pretty. It doesn't have to be in a flirty way, it could just be a friendly gesture. A nice "you look really good today" will suffice. It doesn't have to be something ridiculous, just make the effort, go out of your way to make someone else's day just that little bit better. It's easy really when you think about it. There's an endless list of things you could say to someone to cheer them up. Or you could buy them a gift? I'm not talking about Christmas gifts here, I talking about buying them a cup of tea simply because they look cold. Or buying them a flapjack because a few minutes ago they said they were hungry. Or share something? Share your food. Share your coat. Share your umbrella. It's all worth it in the end, right?

Alex I'm so proud of you. Don't worry about your exam, you'll be fine. ♥

Can You Help Me Find A Way To Carry On Again?

2009-11-08T13:32:00.003Z

I've had enough of this graphics coursework. It's due in on Wednesday but I know if I don't do it now I won't do it at all. And then there's my photography that I'm ridiculously behind in. I just need a whole week of nothing to catch up on everything. The thing is, the next time I'll get a chance is the Christmas holidays but by then everything is due in and over with. Oh what am I do to?

A

ANY particular reason your taking this survey?
I'm desperately trying to find a way to distract myself away from the pain that is my coursework.

ARE you at school, work, or home?
At home currently seeing as it's a Sunday and hibernation day.

AGE at which you 1st drank alcohol?
Older than most people in my year group.

BOUGHT anything from Spencer's?
Marks and Spencer's? Food mostly. But it tends to give me stomach aches. "Sad smiley".

BRAVEST person you know?
Anyone who's had to have an all-body x-ray, people able to stand up for others as well as themselves, anyone willing to go skinny-dipping.

BLONDES or Brunettes?
I hate questions like this. I'd rather red heads. :)

CRAPPIEST band?
Any with bad lyrics.

CAN your dad beat you in a race?
Ahaa, I doubt it you smoker. :)

COULD you bungee jump?
I could I think. I think I could. I could if I tried. I'd try it I could.

DRAWING or painting?
Drawing, I fail at painting.

DOES your bedroom need cleaning?
Yes. Ohhh yess.

DO the drapes match the curtains?
-_- Sexually suggestive questions do not amuse me at the moment.

EVER swear at your parents?
No no no no.

EARN enough to pay the bills?
No. Just no.

EXORCIST or SAW movies?
I've only seen the first Saw film and hid from the part with the foot-sawing. And I've only part seen the Exorcist with dearest Ally Wally making jokes throughout so neither for me?

FLOWERS or chocolate?
Flowers, they last longer.

FUNNEL cake or Elephant Ears?
Funnel Cake every time.

FIRED from a job?
Not yet. ^_^

GIVING or receiving gifts?
Both are lovely.

GOING to the movies or a play?
That all depends on what is being shown.

GONE to the bathroom this hour?
Nope. But I need to now so thanks.

HAVING or adopting a baby?
Neither. Ever.

HORSES or cows?
Cows. Horses terrify me.

HEAVY or light-weight drinker?
I wouldn't know.

IS Michael Jackson in heaven?
I don't really believe in that kind of thing. I'm more of a it-depends-on-what-you-believe-in kind of person. so if he believed in heaven then maybe. If he believed in reincarnation then maybe not.

INSIDE or outside?
I'm inside at the moment but would like to be outside.

INSTANT or regular coffee?
Neither. Coffee would be flushed down the toilet.

JORDAN or Tiger Woods?
I have no idea. Tiger? Just because I don't know who Jordan Woods is?

JETTA or Saab?
Does it make a difference? Really?

JULY 4th or St. Patrick's Day?
St. Patrick's Day.

KOOL-AID or Crystal Lite?
Neither.

KANGAROO or Camel?
Spitting or kicking? I'll go with the kicking.

KETCHUP or mustard?
Ketchup but very rarely.

LIGHTS on or off during sex?
I wouldn't know, I've only been legal for a year.

LOTTERY scratch offs or Power Ball?
I don't play the lottery.

LIQUOR or beer?
Are they not the same thing?

MONTH of choice?
I love October simply because the weather is nice.

MEAL you cook best?
Toast? If that counts.

MISS the most:
Year 10 & 11 days at the moment.

NEVER would I:
Admit to someone how I felt about them.

NIGHT owl or early bird?
Night OWL! Just because owls are ♥

NOTE to self:
Your coursework is still incomplete.

OPEN your own jars?
Yes?

OFFER to help old people?
My gran :)

ONLY in America:
Will you find the world's largest elastic band ball.

PRESCRIPTIONS you have now or in the past?
Never. I'm healthy y'see.

PAPER or plastic?
Paper.

PRETTY Woman or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candles but only because it reminds me of the Fall Out Boy song. I've never seen either of the films...and I call myself a film studies student...

QDOBA or Chipotle?
Yes. Same.

QUIT my job for:
Nothing. I've never quit.

QUANTITY or quality?
Depends what we're talking about here.

ROADTRIP or flying?
Roadtrip please.

RESPONSE to a sneeze?
"Bless you dearest child, may your lurgy be cured."

RIGHT or left handed?
Right handed.

SIT or stand all day?
A bit of both please. Sitting all day makes your bum flat. Standing all day just hurts.

SMELL you hate?
Petrol, sweat, rotting pumpkins.

SUSHI of choice?
I've only tried sushi once so...

THANK goodness it's:
Monday tomorrow, I get to have fun with camera's in media.

TELL me your middle name?
Ellen. :)

TODAY is:
A Sunday, hibernation day, stress over coursework day.

UNDER my bed is:
A load of pillows, blankets, duvets and plushies.

UNDERWEAR brand?
Topshop I suppose? Awh, that reminds me of the Mighty Boosh with the cavemen and their ties. "Topshop!"

USUALLY I sing:
Badly.

VITAMINS you take?
Iron sometimes? But that's not really a vitamin...

VERY much like?
A lot of things. See the previous entry.

VACCINES I've had:
Cervical cancer, TB, menigitus, others maybe?

WITHDRAWS from:
My bank account.

WEAPONS I own?
Hot straightners, hairspray and heeled shoes.

WAFFLES or pancakes?
Pancakes. I can eat hundreds of them.

X-RAY you've had?
One for my foot, one for my chest.

X-LOVER's Name?
Ahaa, I wouldn't exactly class him as a 'lover'.

X-TRA toppings of:
Extra*, you cheated.

YEAR you were born?
Nineteen ninety two.

YARD sale or goodwill?
If I had a yard, I would have a sale on it.

YELLOW or green?
Both? Togther.

ZOO you've been to?
London and does Longleat count? It's more of a safari park I suppose.

ZACK Morris or Slater?
I have no idea who these people are and I'm too lazy to look them up.

ZITS are:
Easy to get rid of them but should not be squeezed, that's vile. Just wash your face everyday and use teatree and witch-hazel should any make an appearence.

I really do dispise coursework. Especially seeing as it's taken me roughly 2 hours to do just the background, title and to back my images onto card. Not fun.

But Wait, Where Are You Now?

2009-11-07T21:34:00.004Z

I always get nervous when I learn that someone reads my blogs. I have to explain that most of the time it's just me moaning about my average life and all round self-loathing.
I like the world loathing, it's a bit of onomatopoeic.
I must thank Alex for 'onomatopoeic'...I couldn't remember the word; thank her for telling me the word, not the actual existence of the word. I wonder who did create the word?
Every time I typed the word 'word' then I almost spelt 'world' instead.
So yes, I thank Alex for the world. Some form of illegitimate mother perhaps? That would be fun, having Al as a mum. I don't care what you say, I think it would be.

Stage one of the puff book is complete: actually buying the book for which we will include the puffs.
Stage 2: filling the book.
Stage 3: sending it to John in time for his birthday (August 24th - which happens to be dearest Tantan's birthday).

Can you tell it was this morning that I bathed? I seem to only think of ridiculous ponderings at night. I don't know why. It's a little silly.

I want something big to happen, something shocking. The other day I found myself hoping over and over again for a car crash. Not for the death but for the pure thrill. How depressing. I should move on from this.

I'm self-conscious now about my posts. Now that I know more people than I thought read my blogs. It's not fun times. I'm happy you do, and yes, I do mean you. It's just you probably didn't need to tell me. But if you want to continue reading you're more than welcome to. I'm not exactly going to stop you am I?

Or I could. Depending if you think my blogs becoming increasingly boring is me purposefully trying to stop you reading them, or if you think it's just your own being that is bored my mindless rabble.

Ugh, small paragraphs are a sign on my lack of creativity. I dislike this heartily.

Enough of the negativity. Let's make another list.

I love Julia Nunes. Her songs never fail to cheer me up.
I love how my stomach is rumbling - but it's a good hunger, not that "I'm going to die a painful death" kind of hunger.
I love how my rooms a mess.
I love how I just stopped with fear because a really loud firework went off.
I love how it's winter and everyone has to wrap up now so no-one has to have an excuse for wearing that unflattering hoodie or old, musky scarf.
I love how even though I've had them for years, my colouring pencils are still in rainbow order and not one of them has been lost.
I love the fact that it's only Saturday and we've still got the whole of Sunday to go.
I love how I enjoy my Mondays almost as much as my Saturdays.
I love Pomplamoose and their version of Mister Sandman.
I love how I can see the fireworks from my bedroom.
I love how I have new people to speak to after moaning about having no-one for months.
I love how spellcheck doesn't understand my blogs.
I love how my friend has one of my favourite songs in her 'pm' on msn.
I love how easy it is to change the subject.
I love how everything glitters when the fireworks explode. Especially as the ground is all wet.
I love how I can remember crying over something one bonfire night years ago but can't actually remember the thing that I was crying over.
I love how things become so insignificant over time.
I love how people over-react by in a good way, not with all the screaming and irritating girlyness.
I love how you're still reading this.
I love how my mum just brought me up a cup of tea before she went to bed.
I love how she's going to bed really early.
I love Bo Burnham and his inappropriate song lyrics.
I love how my friends write me little notes in my notebook or on scraps of paper.
I love how people often read things in the wrong way.
I love the fact that girls over react to such silly things.
I love how I don't over react to love interests.
Much.
I love that I'm a teenage and I can use this as an excuse.
I love that my friends have shaped and changed me into something so much better.
I love that I see someone almost everyday that I've hardly seen for the past 3/4 years.
I love how right this second I'm making a fool of myself but the person doesn't mind.
I love how this list is a lot longer than I thought it would be.
I love how my tongue still hurts from when I burnt it a few hours ago.
I love how I have to spell check the word tongue.
I love that I don't know my 6, 7 or 8 times tables and will never need to.
I love that I'm tired but not tired enough to sleep.
I love that I can understand the song Balloons completely yet get utterly confused with Northern Downpour.
I love Northern Downpour.
I love how I almost finished this list with the cliche "I love you" when truth is, I may not know you so no, I don't love you.
I love that I have no hobbies.
I love that the biscuits I ate will show.
I love how I'm finally getting comfortable with that idea.
I love how people make mistakes so often.
I love that I have to explain things to people because they don't understand how I'm describing something.
I love how describe and explain are two different things.
I love people who spell correctly on the Internet.
I love how I failed to spell 'correctly' when I first wrote it.
I love how quickly people move on.
I love that August can send me to sleep.
I love that the fireworks have stopped so that my mum can sleep peacefully.
I love that this list is comprised of things happening right now.
I love that my friend is enjoying her job.
I love book swaps.
I love how hair grows.
I love that things never stay the same for too long.
I love that even though this list is now too long, you're still reading.
I love that you've made it to the end.
Are you happy too?

The World Could Show Nothing To Me

2009-11-05T21:14:00.004Z

I always seem to have the strangest thoughts when I'm in the bath. No, not illicit thoughts, more like pondering.

Thought 1
So imagine the world is made up of playing cards, what card would you be? Think about it carefully, it could mean a lot more than you think it does.
At first I thought I might be the 3 of hearts; fitting in with the rest of the pack, not standing out. Always in three different states: love, hate, imagination. But then I realised that no, I wasn't the three of hearts. The three of hearts is a very popular card - I mean, let's face it, the hearts are most people's favourites. And I'm not that popular. There are so many other people more worth of the three of hearts, those shiny types that make everything else in the room seem a little brighter when they walk in. I am not one of those people.
So this is when I looked up card meaning - yes, I am taking it this far. I am definitely a three, I have a good feeling about it; according to this list I have found it represents "creativity and communication" so perhaps? Or maybe not. For the sake of this idea I am going to stick with the three.
Now, just for the suit. I figured that I'm not a diamond either, diamonds are lucky and bold. Although second best to the heart (which I have found to be something I describe myself as quite often: second-best), they are still too popular for me. So I'm left with either a club or a spade. I looked up these two on my list, a three of clubs symbolises helpful people and events. Now, I have been told that I am helpful and I know I can be but with this idea of the playing cards I'm imagining it to be more about the person you see, not the person everyone else sees. I know myself better than most people and I am not helpful to myself, thus the three of clubs is out the window. So at last we come to the three of spades: "three's a crowd". Three's a crowd? Yes. This is what I've been feeling lately. Sort of apart of a group but still feeling like a complete outsider in every situation.

So there we have it. I am a three of spades.

Alex, to me you are the jack of hearts: "youthful, ambition without focus, lively youth" and how I wish I was like you. Ambition without focus to me just means you are impulsive and slightly erratic. all positive. Although, like I said, this cards thing is all about how you see yourself not how others see you.

Thought 2
I've found that all my friends, every single one of them has something interesting and different about them. Something that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that you would notice and single-out if they were in a crowd.
I don't want to use an example as I'm not sure people would really want to be written about in my blog if they won't know about it. But just take a look around and you'll soon start to see that everyone seems to have something spectacular about them.
The thing is, I've been trying to find something about me that makes me stand out, and I cannot find anything. Nothing about me makes me stand out of the crowd. There is always someone or something that overshadows me. Second-best. I shouldn't be upset at people for standing out, and I'm not, it's just I would like to stand out once in a while. Make myself heard without feeling like a total poser.

Self-loathing always springs up in the bath tub.

Take Your Bait Before I Play You Out

2009-11-05T11:27:00.004Z

I'd like to apologise so Sammy, I admit, I haven't been reading you blogs and I feel terrible. And even worse that this, I probably won't catch up on them because I'm lazy and I can't think of a better excuse.
So yes, I'm sorry.

Molly Lewis is an actual doll, her rendition of Poker Face has been on repeat for the past hour now. Go listen, it's amazing. Thank you Mr Hank Green for leading me to her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mf7cQfhJSA

It's almost been a year since I got my ukulele and I still haven't learnt to strum it properly. I'm such a fail, a poser perhaps. Alex you said how you were a poser in your photo with the guitar and all, but at least you don't go round saying you play the damn thing. I need to learn and I need to learn now. It's no good be lying about it at Brock, people seem to be able to spot these kinds of things a mile off.

I just finished re-reading a book about a girl with cancer, a fiction this time, not another one of those true-life stories. She made lists in the book, lists of things she wanted to do and have. I was thinking of comprising one of these lists, just like I did in the summer but I figure that it would probably just end up being some kind of Christmas list and it's only November.

November 5th, Guy Fawkes Night, V for Vendetta. BCG first. Cup of tea. Bath. Bubbles. Conditioner. Jumper. Pyjamas. Warmth. Owls.

I have such an obsession with owls at the moment, I've started drawing them and thinking of making one but I fail at textiles so perhaps not. Alex I blame you for this. The owl thing, not the textiles thing.

I don't want my injection. I'm scared to have it. I feel like such a pin cushion, first the second cancer jab, then the six needles skin test, now the BCG jab. It isn't fun times. At least I get to miss form today I suppose.

P-P-P poker face, P-P-P poker face. ♥

Born Under A Bad Sign, But You Saved My Life.

2009-10-25T18:04:00.002Z

I haven't written in my blog for almost a month now; if I had left it two more days it would have been exactly one full month. It sad but I was starting to feel a little disconnected from the blogging world yet if it had not been for Alexandra Scarlett I wouldn't have started writing again. See, she told me about her new post which I have just finished reading and that sort of spurred me on. And now I have a heck of a lot of reading to be catching up with. I feel like I've become a bit of a let-down; I used to read everyone's blogs and now I just don't. How depressing. Nevermind.

It's been nice though, y'know, actually having something to do. I used to be this girl who sat blogging about increasingly dull things that, lets be honest, no-one cares about. And now I'm a girl that blogs about still increasingly dull things that nobody cares about but actually happened! Oh the improvements I'm making!

But seriously, I actually have plans this half term, not just a "yeah whatever happens is cool" holiday like usual. Plus two Halloween parties to go to - one of which I don't actually know the person hosting it, I'm just tagging along. What a rebel.

You can tell I've been busy too; I haven't blogged about the evil x factor twins or the whole Steven Gately saga. What a disappointment on the blogging side. But seriously, Steven Gately!? Of all people!? Why? Why couldn't it have been the twins instead?

I don't actually have that much to say now that I've ranted about disappointments for a bit. I'm going to go back to deviantART and read through kinkei's character meme's now...

With Or Without You

2009-09-27T20:20:00.005+01:00

I haven't been keeping up with my subscriptions. I've been dreaming and fantasizing instead. I almost wrote about one of my little dreams the other day but when I tried to explain it just sounded silly and immature. But these little imaginings aren't rude or anything. They're just little things I wish could happen.

The thing is when I look back at what I've been dreaming of, I know it's never going to happen. It's all in my head and no boy is like that in the real world. Or maybe they are but not around me?

Then this thought makes me feel quite lonely. Really lonely. I see my friends finding people or meeting people new and interesting and all I'm seeing for myself is being stuck in a loop, not breaking out of the boundaries or stepping out of the same old thing. I'm terrified that I'm going to be that sad girl that everyone sees as their friend but never think of anything else.

And yet...

I'm too scared to let my shield down. Just as I'm getting used to everyone and everything around me, it get's shaken up again. I say I love change, and I do, I really really do, but this is time it's shaken my confidence so much I don't know what to do.

The thought of being with someone is so uplifting but at the same time is worries me. My last 'relationship' didn't exact go to plan and I know why. I'm too scared that I'll do the same things again and I'll ruin it all over again. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden to somebody.

The person I talk about this kind of stuff do is so happy and bubbly at the moment I don't want to dash her happiness. She's just got herself a boyfriend, see what I mean about people I know finding partners?

So what do I do? Do I ignore all this and hope the feelings will go away? Do I open up a little more and take the chance of getting hurt? Or do I bury myself in self pity and ruin my own life along with the people around me?

I wish I was like I was before. When I didn't care what people thought because I was happy with myself. But instead I'm angry at myself for letting these feelings over run. I'm annoyed I can't face the facts and get on with living. I'm furious with myself for being too scared to start living like normal teenagers do. I'm upset that rather then talking about this with someone I've started to turn against myself. I'm finding flaws in everything I do. A year ago my face was thinner, now I see how much weight I've put on over the summer. I'm disgusted by myself and feel as if the people I'm meeting are thinking the same things I am about myself.

Am I being selfish? Or conceited? Maybe I just need a slap to wake me up.

I wish I had someone here with me. Friends are amazing and the best things in the world, and yes, they would come first before any boyfriend I may have but they don't give off the same energy as a boyfriend does; that sense of protection and affection.

Maybe I will just bury these feelings, it's a lot easier then explaining.

You're A First Time Vegan And It's Nice To Meet Ya

2009-09-16T17:06:00.002+01:00

College college college! Oh it's amazing but so so tiring.
I have such a strange timetable:

Monday:
Free, photography, break, photography, enrichment, lunch, double media.

Tuesday:
Film studies, graphics, break, graphics, free, lunch, photography, free.

Wednesday:
Graphics, film studies, break, film studies, media, lunch, free, free.

Thursday:
Photography, free, break, free, tutor, lunch, free, free.

Friday:
Media, free, break, free, free, lunch, film studies, graphics.

See what I mean? In total I have 12 free periods.
If I didn't have a tutor period lesson 4 on Thursday I could go home after first lesson, but no.
And I have a 3 hours on free time in a row on Friday's. I'm tempted to go home and come back again then, I mean, what am I going to do for 3 hours in the middle of the new forest?

And then there's the lessons themselves.

Graphics - I thought this was going to be amazing. So far I've failed at both lessons. First of all we had to draw from still life and mine turned out awful. I cannot draw to save my life. And secondly we had to edit these images in photoshop. Now, I can use photoshop and I'm pretty confident with it but when there's a hot nerd sat next to you who's about a million times better then you it's a little difficult to a) concentrate and b) actually do anything worthwhile. I'm so used to editing photos of people that I found editing my crap drawing of I-don't-know-what was really difficult! So far, graphics is a fail. But I refuse to give up!

Photography - I'm not too sure what to think so photography yet. My teacher for starters is skitzophrenic, one minute he'll be all teacher-mode and be saying things like "Don't be late to my class or I'll kick you off the course!" and then the next moment he'll be laughing and joking about random things. Plus I haven't finished my work from last lesson which I should probably do but I just don't know where to begin. Gah. Bad times. And we haven't even taken any photos yet.

Media - I am loving media at the moment. Our first task is to make a short film about a subject of our choice and although we haven't started this yet I can guarantee it'll be fun...if not a little stressful because after all, I can't do anything without stressing over it. Aha. Thanks to a friend, in my second lesson this random guy turns to me and asks "How's the swine?" with a grin. The cheek of it! I don't have swine! Just a bit of a cough. It was quite funny though, in our first media lesson the aforementioned friend managed to make me into a lesbian nun with swine flu. Fantastic. That's just the impression I want to give to all these new people. Naah, it's all good fun though and I love love love it.

Film Studies - yet another amazing subject! I think I may prefer this more then media, but only slightly. I have my form tutor and another tutor teaching me in this plus a few friends. The class is just generally laid back and fun and yes, it takes some concentration but it's really interesting. Apart from the fact that I was given homework for the first time today in film studies. Nevermind, it's only a page of A4 on mise en scene. Simple stuff really.

I have such a Lady Gaga craving.

What Your Mouth Because Your Speech Is Slurred And I Bet You Might Just Swallow Your Tongue.

2009-09-09T19:16:00.004+01:00

It's 09/09/09 and I couldn't resist posting on a date like today.

So since the 4th I've been to my college induction which was brilliant. I found out I have the most amazing form tutor ever - he's my brother's old media teacher and is one of those people who everyone seems to like. He looks like he's never actually left college, which, I suppose, he hasn't really.

I made a friend too! Her name's Beth and the only reason we started talking was because we were both too scared to go into the form room even though once we did we found people had already gone in and were sat down and ready. I was slightly embarrassed by this but hey ho.

I also found out that a girl from my old school is in my form which is nice to know although I've never really spoken to her and also a boy from my primary school who I haven't seen in years. The boy hasn't changed much facial-wise but he is a hell of a lot taller and also wears a lot more black. And I mean a LOT more black. It was nice to see him though.

I'm sure all the boys at college smell the same, lynx overkill I believe.

Derren Brown tonight. I can't wait. :3

Cause I Toss And I Turn And It Doesn't Feel Right.

2009-09-04T14:18:00.029+01:00

So I've been trying to find different ways of making myself fall asleep and last night I was thinking about the next few days and what they'll bring. This got me thinking about how I could introduce myself to all the new people I'll meet and how they'll react. I then began to imagine the scene if one of my tutors made everyone introduce themselves in front of the class and if everyone had to talk about themselves for as long as possible. This then got me thinking about some people I know and how they could keep going and going and going. So then I thought "how long could I go on for?" as I don't really like to talk about me and just me for long periods of time. So I tried it and I ended up going on for 27 minutes (baring in mind this is me last night sat on my bed talking to myself). This is basically what I came up with:

I'm a harry potter junkie who is such a fangirl I spent 12 hours in London in the cold and the wet and the thunder just for a glimpse of the trio. I'm addicted to wonderland-themed things and would happily spend the rest of my days stuck at 5pm (tea-time) and be constantly have tea parties. I love formal wear including that sort of indie-kid-boy-band look with waistcoats and tophats and tail coats. I have an awful memory but I can sing every Panic at the Disco song word for word. Thanks to my dad I'm a fan of swing music and big band. I think the 1920's era was the most glamorous and beautiful and would like to have lived during that time. I love clocks and tophats and teacups and teapots and keys and little doors. I've always dreamt of having a secret door in my house; one that hidden in a bookcase and opens up to a much bigger room with whatever in. I talk to myself very often although it's more imagining what I would say in different situations. I don't function without tea. Crisps give me headaches. I have nosebleeds often. I can type fast then I can write with a Biro and piece of paper. I pretend I can draw when actually my people look more like turkey sprogs. I'm in love with Photoshop and Ronald Weasley. Oh, and Justin Long is pretty too. I have favourites. I don't hate people but I do dislike. I can't stand twilight fangirls, they ruined the series for me. Saying this, I'm a complete hypocrite as I used to be one before the films came out and the whole idea went crazy. Girls who say things along the likes of "Bite my Edward Cullen!" or "I have Cullenism!" should be shot in the head. Vampires. Don't. Sparkle. I've never seen Ghostbusters. I once did a free hugs campaign which is up on YouTube and was one of the best days of my life - I've never hugged so many half-naked, drunken stag parties. I like to volunteer. I'm originally from Shoreham-by-Sea which is near Brighton and I hope to move back to Brighton when I'm older. I say things just to shock people and draw attention to myself which annoys me to no end so if I do start saying things like "I'm dieting" or "look at my ribs" or "I'm going to cut all my hair off" just ignore me or tell me to shut up. I'm a closet goth who loves the whole grotesque side of things like photos of people bleeding or taking drugs. Saying this, I can't stand horror films. When I first watched Edward Scissorhands I had nightmares for 3 months. I paint my nails far too often. I read true-life-stories about child abuse but not because I'm some kind of sick and twisted adolescent but because when you read about a little boy who was abused by his mother and made into her slave and who had the skin on his arms burnt off with mixed bleaches it really brings you down to earth and makes you realise that your petty little problems really don't matter and there are more important things to worry about. I've met Grimmy, Annie Mac and Aled from Radio 1 and they're all lovely. The thought of childbirth makes me feel sick. I don't eat anything made out of pork because when I was younger I decided eating pigs was disgusting and cruel and now 3 or 4 years later I've figured I may as well continue not eating it. If I tried I think I could go veggie but not vegan. I love fairy tales and think Pan's Labyrinth is an amazing film. I love musicals for the simple reason that they make me happy. I'll give any genre of music a go but happy-silly-pop music is my favourite. I play ukulele but not very well. I can't sing. I've always been second-best next to my family and friends, never number one. I've always been the shorter-uglier friend compared to the people I know and I've come to accept it as second-best means no expectations. With hurtful things I say it doesn't bother me but it does, it really really does. I don't like confrontation and will be the first to walk away. I've never been drunk because I'm scared to let my guard down. I've only had one boyfriend which didn't last because I was an awful awful girlfriend. I get excited over the prospect of speaking to someone knew and if I had the choice I'd rather things chanced constantly rather they stayed the same day in day out. The moon makes me feel safe. I don't trust very easily. As soon as I find myself liking someone in a way that's counted as more-then-a-friend I find myself pushing them away for fear that I'll get hurt even though all I want to do is hold them close. But to be my friend all you need is decent conversation and to show a little interest. I love venetian masks. I like most animals but horses terrify me. Colours are pretty and my favourite changes with my mood. I get mood swings and I hate them. I've changed into so many things that I can't keep count. The latest being from a greeby-nobody in year nine to a geeky lass in year 10 to finally realising that I'd rather be someone pretty and happy in year 11 which is where I'm at now. I once planned to be spontaneous which was such an oxymoron. I stress a lot. I cried over my GCSE results for mixed reasons. I've left a lot out but now that I've said all this I feel quite selfish and would quite like to hear about who you are.

Takin' The B-A-T Out Of Basement, Homey

2009-09-03T19:15:00.010+01:00

I've started listen to Bo Burnham more and it makes me happy. Go listen. It's not for the faint-hearted. But he is love. ♥

Wait.
What?
Start again.
Okay.
Hello hi!

I got my GCSE results last week. Although, I don't know why I said that. The only person that reads my blog goes to my school so what's the point really?

Stop being pessimistic. Pah.
This is a bad blog.

But I'm happy with my results! Well, most of them. I cried over my graphics result.

I'm tempted to delete that last sentence. Nobody needs to know about my sorry story. But I won't delete it now. I've moved on.

Oh, and the medieval festival I went to was brilliant too. I was lovely seeing my daddio for a while. Especially seeing as he's going on tour soon and I don't know when I'll see him next. Bummer.

But the festival. Yeah. First day, Friday. We turned up. And sorted stuff out. And looked around. And it was good! But not a lot happened seeing as the festival didn't start until the Saturday...

Speaking of Saturday, that was a fun day. We spent most of it wandering about watching the jousting and battles and canons and stuff. Good times.

Sunday was present day and I spent most of my money on things to decorate my room and gifts for the fam-fam. Yay Venetian masks and green leave men.

Monday was the last day. We went exploring. And it was gooood. The evening was funnier though. Seeing as it was the last day everyone who camps over (so basically the staff and the re-enactors) all congregate in the beer tent to have an almighty piss up. Me, Holly, my dad and people we were with were all at the bar when the falconer starts talking to us who had become quite good friends with my dad seeing as my dad's the sound guy who helps him out. As he's chatting, his son plus friend come over too. Now, this friend of the falconer's son (the son was named Josh but I ended up calling him bird-boy) has the most blood-shot eyes I've ever seen in that sort of "hey look how high I am" sort of way - it also didn't help that he was drunk out of his mind. Nice combination.

Anyway, bird-boy's friends begins to look at me and Holly in that so-called alluring way and my daddio sees (something I am most thankful for). My dad being the protective man that he is, turns around and says something along the lines of:
"If you ask what their ages are, I'll punch you."
This was all said with a laugh though, so it was a sort-of-joke-but-so-to-far-and-I-will-hit-you type of thing. Stoner boy looks at my dad like a scared rabbit and steps back asking
"What!? Why?"
So the falconer turns round and says
"Because with a son you only have to worry about one prick in town, but with a daughter you have to worry about every prick in town."
"And you're one of the pricks" my dad added. This worried the poor lad and my dad, seeing his advantage, decided to wind him up even more.
"Alright, I'll make you a deal. Guess which one of these girls is my daughter. It you're correct, I'll punch you. If you don't, I won't." he said laughing, holding his fist up in a mock-fighting pose.
"I don't know! I don't know!" Stoner boy said, going up a few decibels.
"Alright, you ready?" dad laughed as he geared up for the punch, only to drop his arm with a booming laugh as the boy skirted away to hide beside his friend.

All the while this was going on, bird-boy had managed to sly onto Holly and wrap his arm around her. I don't blame him either, she is very pretty. And Holly didn't seem to mind either. And although he was drunk, I'd rather it was him that Stoner boy. My dad, seeing this and being in his wind-up mode, decided to turn on them next. Not in a nasty way, just teasing them as most dads will.

The night ended up with Holly giving the guy her number then finding out that he wasn't 17 as he had told her but actually 22/23. How this was found out I have no idea so who knows how old he is...

It was a brilliant weekend though, thank you Holly for being made of awesome.

It Will Make You Crazy

2009-08-25T17:15:00.005+01:00

So I started talking to someone new recently which is quite refreshing as it opens up a whole new window of things to talk about instead of those same old conversations I seem to have with the people I know. Anyway, he asked me to tell him about myself and this got me thinking, how can I describe myself in one sentence? (I know, that sounds quite conceited but I assure you I'm not trying to be.) So in the end I came up with this:

"I'm a harry potter fan girl who likes formal wear and tea parties."

This got me thinking about my blogger profile and how I desperately needed to update it. I began to make a short list of things about myself and at first thought quite cockily that "oh, I'm so different and original and blah blah blah". But then I had to laugh at myself. I'm not different, or original, or even the slightest bit out of the ordinary. I'm your basic teenager who, like all the others my age, are stuck in that limbo of not quite grown up but not exactly immature. I mean after all, most girls aged16-17 are disorganised, whiny and often try to be some deep thinking soul when actually nobody cares about their most profound thoughts.

And yet I still continue to tell you mine, silly isn't it?

Contemplating other people's thoughts reminded me of all those stupid love quite people think of which are apparently meant to be 'cute' but in actual fact make anyone who doesn't hold their heart on their sleeve feel slightly sick. Although saying this, a few months ago I did find quite a lovely quote by the artist Andre Jordan which goes:

I do not care what car you drive, where you live, if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone, if your clothes are this years cutting edge, if your trust fund is unlimited, if you are A-list, B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

Quite lovely, isn't it?

Profession: Liar. Liar, Liar, Liar.

2009-08-23T14:39:00.004+01:00

A Chinook just flew over and shook my whole house. Shocking really, but that's not what I was going to blog for.

I really wish my comments link worked then I could get feedback with having to take up space in other people's blog. I mean, I love reading your blog Sammy but I'm sure you'd prefer it if you could just leave a comment on the end of my post rather then having to include what you want to say in your blog. If that makes sense? Haha. Fail.

The problem is, I put a lot of effort into making this layout and don't want to get rid of it. I'm stuck with the decision to either get rid of my layout for one that in my opinion isn't very nice but has a comments link or leave my layout as it is and not have a comments link. Who knew such a silly decision could cause so much strife. Pfft.

I'm really nervous to get my results on Thursday. If I don't get an alright result in my graphics I won't be able to continue it at A-Level and my hopes of becoming a graphic designer/photo editor/something similar will be crushed and I'll have no idea what I'll do.

Why does so much always rid on something so little.

Oh What A Beautiful Mess This Is.

2009-08-21T15:44:00.003+01:00

If someone you liked told you they thought you as more of a sister then anything else, would you see this as a positive or negative thing?

At first I thought it was a positive thing as it plays a part in the fact that it's not you they don't like, it's the fact that being with you would just be a little strange. Perfectly normal, understandable and I respect that.

On the other hand, for some reason it feels like having a knife stabbed through your stomach. If they felt that way why didn't they say in the first place? And why don't you have the same feelings for them? Has it turned into some kind of inbreeding but not quite?

This is so confusing. I thought I was done with all this by now. It's ridiculous, as soon as I think I've sorted something out, something else comes up that has me all in a tizzle. Namely:

	Peter			hi
	Peter			care to explain why u have blocked me on msn and facebook?
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			You honestly want to know? Even though it'll hurt?
	Peter			yh
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Because you're really dull to talk to and I've had enough of dead end conversations
	Peter			ok thats msn, explain facebook
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Well why stop at msn?
	Peter			so in other words, you just dont like me
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			I didn't say that but if that's how you're going to take it...
	Peter			you just said why stop at msn, facebook is something you can use to know what your friends are up to, so as you have blocked me it could be put as we are not friends
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Well we were more acquaintances anyway
	Peter			right
	Peter			well you could have told me before on msn instead of just blocking me
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Well I don't really like telling people things like this, I prefer to just cut all ties straight away
	Peter			i first thought it was so you would not have told me about the little trick
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			The little trick?
	Peter			you, chris, hollie and charlie apparently being in guildford on wednesday
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Right, not my idea. Please take this up with one of them instead.
	Peter			well i spoke to charlie and she had no idea about it
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			You do realise it was Chris & Holly that were talking to you when all that was planned..
	Peter			yh
	Peter			but you know about it
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Indeed.
	Peter			well as we have sorted all of this out bye
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Bye

Sorry the format's weird, it's copy and pasted from my MSN chat log.

I thought I was done with this too? I mean, usually when you block someone they don't sink so low into actually creating a new account just to talk. If someone blocks you, surely that's a hint that they don't want to talk to you.

Alright, so I admit that I was a bitch for blocking him in the first place and then saying that it was someone else that planned the whole nasty business of pretending that we were going to meet him when we had no intrntion of doing so (although, it is true, I didn't plan it - just had a helping hand in the process). But it you've never spoken to him then you have no right in stating your opinion. I'm sorry but he's just one of those people who don't deserve the wonders of msn and facebook.

I just watched the Eurofighter doing it's thing for the airshow from my bedroom window. That's cheered me up a lot.

I'm so sick of everything now. I want college to start now. I don't care about missing out of the last few days of summer, I just want the change right now.

I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead In This Place

2009-08-15T21:06:00.003+01:00

So recently I've made a couple of discoveries about myself that I didn't know about. Well of course I didn't know about them, otherwise they wouldn't be discoveries. Funnily enough, all of these discoveries are from facebook quizzes.

Number One:
Thanks to those iritatingly addictive facebook quizzes I've found out that in the not to distant future I'm going to be "really fat". My worst nightmare all rolled out and ready thanks to one quiz and probably because I said I prefer cupcakes over green beans.

Number Two:
Another quiz, another discovery. Appartently I act 6 years old - not the impression I want to give out on the first day of college. Time to grow up? Maybe this has a link between my future obesity, I mean there's always programmes on telling viewers about fat children. Y'know, I'm quite glad I was born and raised in a not-so-fat decade.

Number Three:
Not only will I be a obese six-year-old in an adult body but according to yet annother quiz from facebook I am also going to be a hobo. Quoting the result directly I will "be very poor and suck at life". So I guess college is going to be a complete waste of time too?

Don't you love facebook and the inspiring quizzes created on it?

I wish I had boots like Soko does just so I can find my own dandy cowboy with the matching hat and feel guts growing under my skirt after wearing my magic smile because after all I too can't be me when I'm in front of you. ♥

You're the Man, I'm the Girl, We Look Good Together.

2009-08-04T11:20:00.004+01:00

Cor blimey, I was so upset when I last posted. I'm sorry about that, I was just desperate to blog and that's all that was on my mind. Moving on to happier thoughts...

Yesterday I was downloading music by Soko and never realised how brilliant her songs are. One of them is called "I Will Never Love you" and although the title makes to sound like another silly little love song, it's really really not. It's fantastic and caused me to write my own version.

I will never love you more than the lovely Ronald Weasley
I will never love you more than Time Burton films
I will never love you more than Pretty Odd by Panic at the Disco
I will never love you more than Northern Downpour

I will never love you more than geeky sleepover with my friends
When we talk about silly things and bitch about people we don't like
I will never love you more than my imaginary friend
Yes, he's better then you, so I'll never love you more

And you say, you love me more than everything
And compared to me everything is nothing

I will never love you more than the Harry Potter premiere
And how I stood on the freezing rain for 12 hours just for a glimpse of the trio
I will never love you more than my pets
And you're allergic so I'll never love you more

I will never love you more than dancing to Bugsey Malone
I will never love you more than my ukulele
I will never love you more than Brendon Urie himself
For me he is more than any God, I will never love you more

And you say, you love me more than everything
And compared to me everything is nothing

Ohh, this is sweet, I just wonder what it means

You say you love me more than all the girls you've had before
Even more than music, even more than yourself
Even more than everything but it's just a lie
So I will never love you more than anything

I will never love you more than singing loudly and badly
I will never love you more than Photoshop CS3
I will never love you more than watching livelavalive videos
I will never love you more than Zachary Quinto

I will never love you more than a mug of tea
I will never love you more than the mythbusters
I will never love you more than ripping off really good songs by Soko

I will never love you more
I will never love you more

I highly suggest you look up some songs by Soko; including the song The Dandy Cowboys because it's amazing.

It's nice to be back.

I'll Do Anything For A Smile

2009-08-02T18:07:00.002+01:00

Is it possible to be upset about something roughly 8 months after it happened? Even if during those 8 months you felt absolutely nothing towards the situation until now? It's ridiculous and it's exactly how I'm feeling. A few days ago I was crying over the stupidest things and now I'm even listen to music that I used to listen to 8 months ago. I'm looking through old photos and I'm coming across photos on websites that remind me of the days back then.

It's not that I miss it. It's far from that. It's more of the fact that it makes me feel sick thinking about it and makes me squirm because of how uncomfortable I am thinking about it. I hate this. I want to forget all about it like I've been able to do for 8 months.

It's the little things that I seems to keep remembering. Like some of the things that were said and how situations were played out. I keep going over things again and again in my head but the more I think about it the more it upsets me.

I think it may be the fact that I've had so much spare time that I've had more of a chance to think and remember different aspects of what's upsetting me. It's almost been a month since I last posted. It worries me slightly that the longest summer I'll have is quickly becoming the worst I've had so far.

Make My Rapid Heart Beat Naturally

2009-07-11T16:59:00.001+01:00

What use is a summer holiday if all you want to do is start college? And what's the point in living by the sea if it rains throughout the summer? I thought this summer was going to be the best yet. I thought that because we'd have an extra few weeks off and nothing to worry about for the next school year that the summer holidays would just be packed full of good times yet I find that my days seem to revolve around someone interesting signing onto msn.

I suppose it's my own fault, I haven't planned anything in advance and can never think of anything to do when I actually get round to planning something. Is it just me or is everyone constantly busy or working? Speaking of work, I should probably get a job but nobody seems to be hiring.

On the plus side I've managed to cross a few things off my list of things to do.

~~Laugh until I cry.~~

Go outside everyday.
Get a tan.

~~Meet someone new.~~

Finish 2 books.
Get in shape.
Pass my exams.

~~Do the RFL.~~
~~Go to prom.~~
~~Go on a picnic.~~
~~Stay at the beach until it gets dark.~~

Swim in the sea at night.
Go shopping with a group of friends in Brighton.
Taste kiwi.

I doubt I will get in shape now, I'm just too lazy and have no-one to spur me on. Instead I ate through a tub of Ben & Jerry's Caramel Chew Chew within two days. Oh yes, so healthy.

I read in someone's blog that Justin Timberlake sung on the Black Eyed Pea's song 'Where in the love' and like the person said on their blog, you learn something everyday.

I've come to the conclusion that certain boys with the same name can be a right nuisance. Now not all people with this name are as irritating as the cases belong, just a few that I've met or know about.

Case 1: The Stalker
This kind of boy will constantly talk to you about things you really don't care about just because you're kind enough to pretend you like whatever the topic happens to be. They will also think that you both are similar most likely because you can them a little attention when others did not.

Case 2: The Love-Struck Frog
This case is much similar to The Stalker. He will pester you, bully you, do anything just to try and make you go out with him. This particular person did exactly that to a friend and although it was hilarious to watch at first you begin to realise how embarrassing and awkward everything is becoming. They're attention seeking and will say things to shock you. To beat this case down be as blunt as you can. Don't think about how you may feel, you need to get rid of this frog as soon as possible before things spiral out of control.

Case 3: The Invisible Man
The boy seems lovely at first, he will compliment you, flatter you, maybe even ask you out - and you will say yes. Things go fine for a while, you keep telling yourself "I'll see him soon" and "There's always next week". This isn't the case though and he soon becomes impossible to find. So you dump him and then he has the nerve a week later to break up with you - confusing? That's what we though when this happened to a friend. Silly boy.

Why do they all have the same names? Is it pure coincidence or do their parents plan to set their sprog on the world, aiming to get them to grow up into irritating, thoughtless teenage boys? It's ridiculous.

Can you tell nobody's online at the moment?

Shush Girl, Shut Your Lips

2009-07-09T13:05:00.007+01:00

It's been two days since the Harry Potter premiere but I'm sure I've only just got back. Let me run you through the day?

4:15am: Wake up at Holly's.
4:30am: Marmite on toast for breakfast
5:45am: Drive to the coach station in Bournemouth
6:10am: Coach leaves for London
9:00am: Arrive in London
10:00am: Reach Leister Square
10:10am: Begin waiting for premiere start
Midday: Only 5 and a half hours to go
3:00pm: Only 2 and a half hours to go, rain begins
5:00pm: Half an hour to go, hail and thunder begins
5:30pm: Premiere begins, rain still hasn't stopped
5:45pm: Begin to see actors/producers/everyone else on the red carpet
7:00pm: We see the trio so close were could reach out and grab them
7:30pm: Film has started, we grab something to eat
8:00pm: Start walking back to coach station, walk past Gordon Ramsey and don't even realise
9:00pm: Reach coach station and meet foreign students who'd also been at the premiere
10:00pm: Get onto coach to go home
12:30am: Reach coach station in Bournemouth
1:00am: Get home
1:30am: Get into bed and fall asleep

Tuesday was so tiring, we ran on 3 and a half/four hours sleep for roughly 20 hours. We were rained on, hailed on, packed in like cattle, couldn't breathe properly from the sheer amount of people around us, shivered our way through for about 10 hours and didn't eat or pee or sit for 12 hours. And you know what? It was all worth it for that one amazing photo Holly captured of Rupert Grint:

You see, that's how close we were; amazing, no?

The premiere was absolutely fantastic and I'm so so so happy I went. It's one of those things that we said we'd go to but usually don't get round to it - but this time we actually did it. We were there in the rain so close to the stars it was incredible.

Now, I don't plan to go to another premiere any time soon but for the last one I will. It doesn't come out until 2011 so we'll have plenty of time to recover from this one.

Now all there is to do is actually see the film; we booked our tickets today for 1:30pm at the odeon. And yes, we will be dressing up again.

If Home Is Where The Heart Is Then We're All Just F*cked

2009-07-06T17:18:00.005+01:00

So I've written the first chapter of one of the stories I was planning. The story is called "Rib Bones" and is starting off very slowly. Would you like a taster?

Noah and Gabrielle had grown up together, their friendship had started when Gabrielle and her mum (who had been pregnant with Gabrielle’s younger sister at the time) had moved into the house next door to Noah’s family. With Sears being such a small town it was custom for the neighbours to welcome new families into the area so Noah’s mother and father had come round with their children to say hello.

Noah was 2 months older then Gabrielle so they were the same age when they had met. Noah’s older brother was 4 years older and had been forced by his dad to come round and say hello; as soon as that was done he had disappeared back home to play his video games. Noah also had a baby sister who had been asleep when the family had come round to greet the new neighbours so in the end it was just Noah and Gabrielle who played ‘house’ as the parents had chatted about the town, careers and other various topics.

The two children’s friendship grew when they found they were in the same primary school in the same class. This was not too much of a coincidence as Gabrielle was either going to go to the public school that Noah went to or the private school that was a 20 drive away from the town and cost a bomb each term.

Noah, being one of the geeky, quiet children, was happy to welcome the ‘new kid’ as a friend and seeing as they had already met it seemed natural for them to become friends.

As they grew older Gabrielle began to make new friends who at first had said that she should get rid of her ‘geeky shadow’ of a friend Noah but she stood by him and told them straight that if they were going to be friends they’d have to accept Noah too.

New friends also brought new boyfriends for Gabrielle; although they were still young she was seen as one of the pretty girls in school which people admired. Noah was protective of Gabrielle just as she had been for him when her new friends had rejected him. The boys at school used to wind him up saying how he loved her but both Gabrielle and Noah had said that they thought nothing more of each other then best friends.

This changed however when they moved up to high school and their child-like innocence was washed away with the arrival of new, older people who swore and said ‘naughty things’ in front of them.

Noah no longer felt the same way towards Gabrielle as he had for the first few years that he had known her. He didn’t see a child anymore, he realised how much she had grown up. She had curves and confidence that seemed to have sprung up over night. Noah felt he had to impress her to keep her friendship. He was jealous when she was asked out on dates by other boys and he felt like he could be so much better for her.

He started to act differently, he wanted her attention. He cut his hair, bought new clothes, changed his look but nothing seemed to interest her. To Gabrielle he was still the same old Noah that he always had been.

It wasn’t until three years of crushing over Gabrielle that Noah finally decided to do something. It was New Years Eve and Gabrielle had recently dumped her latest boyfriend who hadn’t met her standards. They were on the beach sat on a blanket watching the fireworks leading up to midnight when Noah had hugged her close as he noticed her shivering. She leaned into her best friend used to his comforting hugs from the many times she had curled up to him sobbing over the last boy who had broken her heart. Noah had felt nervous, he knew this was going to be that make or break moment that people talk about. Just as midnight was announced and people all around them cheered, he had lifted Gabrielle’s face towards him and kissed her. Both hearts fluttering they melted into each other savouring the moment. The minute they broke apart Noah panicked wondering what she was going to think but Gabrielle just wrapped up closer to him and smiled.

“I hoped you would do that” was what she had said as Noah rested his head on hers. He felt an almighty sense of success and was completely elated. She had hoped it was going to happen and it had. No longer did she see him as that Noah he always had been but the confident, worthy Noah he had always hoped to be.

That extract is from around the middle of the chapter and is one of the mushy bits. It's not all like that and nothing like the whole story. It seems that the story begins all happy and lovely until about chapter 3 so who knows.

I'm going up to the Harry Potter premiere in London tomorrow with a friend and I cannot wait. We're getting a coach at 6:10am and getting there for about 9:30am-ish. Oh it's going to be good!

Sammy I love you and I hope it all sorts itself out.

Trade Baby Blues For Wide Eyed Browns

2009-07-04T12:57:00.007+01:00

I've started planning stories again. I always do this, I'll start a story, get bored, forget about it for months on end, begin thinking about a new idea and start planning one instead. This stories I'm planning are all based off of drawings that I found on deviantART, this set of drawings in fact.

So far I've only finished planning 2 of the 9 that I hope to do. Now I'm not the most amazing writer and the planning probably won't make sense but I thought I'd share them. I know that the stories are very cliche but that's how I roll nowadays. 8-|

Red

Jennifer

Romantic

Fiery

Looking for love in all the wrong places, best friend turns out to be the type she’s been looking for all along.

Chapters

Introduction, person, family, scene
High school, best friend intro (guy), begins to admire someone, tells female friend
Admiration continues, warnings from friend about guy being “jerk, untrustworthy”
Starts getting gifts, chocolates, notes in locker, flowers, party invite.
Jen takes best friend along, finds guy, goes upstairs, things going too fast, best friend finds them, “frees” Jen, leave together back to best friend’s house, best friend calms Jen down, end up getting closer then usual, kiss, makes things awkward, Jen stays over the night, nothing else happens, leaves early in the morning.
Tells female friend what happened, intro to friend (anecdote), doesn’t talk to best friend, sees him hanging out with his other friends, tells herself she’s not jealous just confused
Meets new guy through female friend, he seems like the perfect man but Jen’s troubled, intro to new guy, goes on date with him, very romantic guy (Jamie’s comment), begins to forget best friend
Guy carries on being all romantic, beach walks, spots best friend, stab of jealousy that Jen ignores, new guy asks her out, says yes
Jen begins to get detached from new guy, something bothering her, not afraid but don’t want to be near, at the same time she wants to be as close as possible, feeling like a hedgehog warm but with spikes
Guy dumps her, says she is too cold, puts him off, uses every excuse in the book, Jen becomes just as crushed as before with other guy but this time with no-one to comfort her like best friend did, gets back into contact with best friend, realises how jealous she is that he has got himself a girlfriend, female friend tells her how obvious it is that she likes best friend
Argument about how she’s been the one who drove them apart but she thinks it was him, end up yelling about the kiss, makes things awkward again, argument subsides, talk things out, best friend ends up telling Jen has always loved her, Jen is the one that kisses him this time
News spreads fast around the school, best friend has dumped girlfriend, Jen and best friend are dating, glares from romantic guy, female friend “I told you so”, happily ever after.

This one isn't the greatest, I know but to be fair I didn't spend much time planning it as I was already thinking about the next colour. I probably won't write this one but leave it for if I get bored at any point and fancy being creative.

Pink

Gabrielle

Beautiful girl

Kind, average

Always looking for ways to look better

Chapters

Intro to school, Gabrielle, crew of friends (not full info just small descriptions)
Gab and friend find job in magazine for modelling agency, Gab asks parents, intro to family, family say yes after some persuasion, begin to prepare for job interview, make-over etc.
Up to London studio for job, hundreds of applicants, all beautiful, thin, tall. Gab is slightly shorter, perhaps one dress size larger (size 10), does not think of this as friend is ranting about how models who are thin can be so up themselves, friend has not gone for job just for support, mother also agrees with friend, says being that thin can’t be enjoyable. Jen is called for interview, interviewer is “crisp, sharp woman” like Janice Dickinson, makes a quite “urgh” sound as Gab enters, Gab answer questions perfectly, Janice-like woman says so but to loose a few pounds and try again next time, does not thank Gab, Gab is shocked, doesn’t want to talk about it
Gab spends time looking at all the current models, magazines and adverts all show beautiful, thin girls, begins looking in mirror and sees nothing like that, wants to be accepted like that and consults friend about what she thinks is fat. Friend intro, friend argues about how plus size models are just as beautiful, Gab takes this the wrong way, thinks she’s a plus size model, becomes depressed, talks to boyfriend about it, boyfriend doesn’t really get it and tells her that she’s beautiful, doesn’t change Gab’s mind, is just disgusted at herself, begins tugging at parts of herself, wants to change, decides to do something about it.
Food-cut begins, begins with simple diet, begins running, proud for doing something, mum noticing a change, asks if everything is okay, Gab says everything is fine and nothing to worry about just getting in shape. Wants to do more so makes diet more gruelling, searches online for tips, sees bulimic website and thinks “she’ll never be that bad”, just a couple of pounds to loose. Boyfriend gets worries, also asks if she’s alright, not spending as much time together, Gab brushes this off, friend from job interview questions, Gab gets angry with everyone asking, argument with friend.
Bullying at school begins; Gab is getting really thin, thinks bullies are being sarcastic calling her “rib bones” as a joke to show how fat she is. Begins exercising more and more, counting calories with everything, still looking at pictures of models in secret, knows her mum is suspicious, not seeing what other people see in the mirror, “Annie” story, becomes fascinated with ribs, collarbones and spine, likes how they stick out slightly but not enough, sees other girls at school who seem a lot thinner then her without trying, depression, boyfriend becoming stressed and irritated with her behaviour, breaks it off, Gab can think of nothing but her weight. Torn to pieces with break up, stops eating for a few days, doesn’t even feel the hunger, says it’s all to do with the breakup but it’s not, tries to talk to friend she had the argument with but she doesn’t really want to listen, tells Gab she’s changed, tells her she’s getting ridiculously thin but Gab still can’t see it. At home she begins to see that her clothes are hanging off her more and more - sees this as a good thing, she wants to leave the old Gab behind.
Winter begins, can feel the cold a lot more, tires her out, refuses to eat all the Christmassy food her mum lays out in the week leading up to Christmas, explanation about how her mum goes frantic at Christmas, Christmas gets here, intro to Christmas day etc., Christmas dinner only manages to eat a bit of turkey and some veg, feels sick for eating “so much”, excuses self, is sick, is shaky and ill when sibling finds her, tells them to tell mum & dad she’s gone to bed, mother feels sorry for her, thinks it was her cooking.
At school after the Christmas holidays all the girls seem to be talking about “how much weight they’ve put on”, Gab is anxious and sure someone will notice how “fat she’s become”, in lessons the learn about eating disorders and how it affects the body, whispers and looks from people in her class, makes her more anxious, pulled aside by the teacher at the end of the lesson, asks if everything is okay, Gab seems a little anxious and off, Gab says Christmas has just been stressful, blames it on “having to be round the family for so long” and laughs it off, teacher isn’t convinced. Christmas break has healed thrift between friend & Gab, Gab tells her about teacher “being nosey”, friend doesn’t say anything, friend gets invite to birthday party and invites Gab along, intro to party host, clothes shopping, can’t find anything to fit properly, Gab hasn’t been clothes shopping in months, gets upset with having to look in mirrors all the time, friend notices but Gab says nothing, instead helps friend pick out outfit, is envious of her flattering body and wishes she “looked like that” even though she’s already tiny.
Party time, big shindig, intro to it, Gab refuses to drink, knows how fattening it can be, cake is brought out, Gab forces herself to eat some as her friend is looking at her warily, explanation of how “disgusting and disappointed” Gab feels afterwards, excuses herself to bathroom, contemplating making herself sick, wants to get the fat out, takes a couple of tries to make herself sick, description of triumph and although it is disgusting being sick it makes her feel in control and happy, friend finds her afterwards, Gab says it was “food poisoning” but friend is still suspicious, says she should go home but Gab refuses, that would raise more suspicion, she’s completely conscious of her actions but doesn’t want people to know about it, tries to enjoy party but is feeling exhausted after just a few hours, passes out from exhaustion, wakes up in strange room, goes downstairs and realises she’s still at the party house, lots of people have left, friend and host are there, “oh look who’s alive, thought you had too much to drink, couldn’t take you to hospital, would get caught out by police”, friend is mighty suspicious, Gab still won’t say anything.
Friend starts to realise what’s going on and asks her straight out, Gab says how can she be when she looks the way she is, friend is shocked and tells her there’s nothing to her, Gab gets angry and says she has to say that - she’s her friend, friend gets upset but doesn’t stop asking if there’s anything she can do, tells her how she can’t watch Gab waste away anymore, it’s getting ridiculous, Gab begins eating at school to get her friend off her back but is sick straight afterwards in the loos to get rid of it, friend is still suspicious and really upset and breaks down crying saying how she misses her old friend, Gab turns away “embarrassed to look at her, disturbed”, friend tries a different tactic, tries shocking her into eating, shows Gab photos of what she looks like compared to before, Gab takes no notice, seems completely unfazed, deep down she is, Gab invites friend round to talk through problems with her, finally agrees to chat about what’s really going on, sat in bedroom, small bedroom description, talk over what Gab has been doing, friend is not shocked this time, had guessed most of it, Gab explains Christmas and party scenario, both decide to go for a walk to think things through about what they can do, Gab agrees to do something about her weight but wants to do things slowly and her way.
At school friend is monitoring Gab but Gab is still sneaking off to the loos, another argument about how friend realises and Gab isn’t doing anything to help herself, Gab says that “maybe she isn’t ready for it yet”, big argument, Gab sways suddenly and friend catches her, asks if she’s okay, Gab scrambles up and says she’s fine, tells friend to leave her alone, turns to go and passes out again, friend panics, description of how frail and lifeless Gab looks now. Gab wakes up in hospital, description of the bright lights, beeping noises, chained-to-bed-feeling, feels tube in her nose, is being force fed, rips out NG (naso-gastric) tube to stop being force fed, refuses to be given food without consent, doctors come in, tell her if she gets any thinner she will die, give her two options: be force fed or go to the counsellor, chooses counsellor.
Counsellor description, mother-duck type of woman, Gab thinks it is a waste of time, she’s not anorexic/bulimic, just on a diet, stops going to sessions, tells mum she’ll go on her own and then hides around town/in the park, ex-boyfriend finds her and is shocked at how she looks, asks her how things have been, Gab laughs saying how the doctors think she’s crazy, boy tells her how thin she looks though, Gab hugs goodbye, sees him well up after the hug, tells her that it’s like hugging a skeleton and he doesn’t remember his old girl-friend ever being this way before, Gab is shocked at her ex-boyfriend being so upset over it, hits home how far things have gone, goes back to counsellor and begs them to help her, she doesn’t want to be like this anymore, she wants her old life back, mother and friend are rejoiced at news that things are finally turning round, long road to recovery.

As you can see I spent a lot more time on this one and yet it's still very cliche. I don't know whay but eating disorders sort of fascinate me but don't take that the wrong way, I'm just interested to see what triggers things like anorexia or obesity.

Now that I've started I can't seem to stop making up new ideas for stories. I'm off to see what I can come up with for orange and yellow now. I may post them, I may not. I thought I'd just share with you what I've been doing for the past day or so.

This Is The Way You Left Me, I'm Not Pretending

2009-07-02T19:47:00.011+01:00

The past three days have been so eventful in good and bad ways. Let's do this chronologically.

Tuesday
Tuesday was torrential rain all day and I loved it. On my way to the beach to meet friends, I bumped into another and dragged her along with me. We were heading to the beach to swim in the sea, and why not, it's all good fun. Just as we get to the beach the rain begins to get ridiculous so we whip off our clothes down to our bikini's and go running and screaming in the sea. Not surprisingly, it wasn't that cold seeing as the beach was freezing.

As we get under cover of the pier again a photographer clambers over to us and flashes his press badge at us.
"Do you mind if I have a photo of you running along the beach with your towels shielding you?" he asked the four of us. This had never happened as of yet to any of us so I told him yes before any of the others could disagree. After running along multiple times to get the shot he wanted he thanked us and said that we'd be in one of the national newspapers the next day. Excellent we though, all we have to do now it find out which one.

After drying off in the toilets we braved the outside world again for the trek home. As my friend and I live on the same road we trudged along together. The amount of double-takes we received were quite substantial, after all you don't usually see girls walking along in their bikini's in a downpour on a Tuesday afternoon.

Wednesday
Wednesday was the new students open day for the college I'm planning on going to in September. The day was brilliant, not only did I meet a whole load of lovely people but I saw a friend from primary school that I haven't spoken to for 5 years.

The classes were fun too, graphics was the best as we actually got to do something rather then just listen to the tutors talk about the subject. We had to make "confessions" cards on pieces of blank white card roughly the size of a postcard but cutting up magazines, drawing, writing and generally using our imagination. Now, seeing as it was quite early in the morning I couldn't think of what to put so ended up cutting out a load of random sentences and images from the magazines and sticking them onto the card. When Kerry the tutor read out the confessions (thankfully none of them had names on) she told us that whoever had created the one with "poison" and "fabulous, phyco" was very deep and perhaps needs to "lighten up a bit". I almost laughed out loud at this. Deep? Hardly. It was just a load of random quotes. Nothing to be taken seriously, silly woman.

But that's not all that happened. In my film studies class I couldn't think of my favourite TV show and said that I just watched whatever was on. Sadly, Alex the tutor took this as I "didn't have any character". Thanks for that. Although according to multiple people I've spoken to, Alex is a complete legend so I can't exactly complain about him now can I?

Although the day was spectacular in didn't end well at all. Around midday I began feeling lightheaded, sickly and generally unwell. I knew exactly what was wrong and it was completely my fault for not stopping it before it was too late. By the way I've described it, it sounds as if I was dying (and at the time it felt like I was) but really all that had happened was dehydration or sunstroke. I get it at least once or twice every summer so why should this summer be any different? But why did it have to happen on the open day of all days? Because of this I couldn't enjoy my photography class as much as I would have liked and ended up spending it concentrating on not being sick. That would have gone down well in September wouldn't it?
"Oh, I remember you! You're the girl who puked!" Yeah. Great.

The problem with the college is that it's so far out and it takes a twenty minute train journey to get home. Yesterday's train journey home seemed a lot long though. Thankfully I managed to find a seat in the corner of the carriage where people weren't likely to take much notice of me - which they didn't for the most part. It wasn't until I felt my hands go suddenly clammy, my back start to sweat and I swallowed for the first time in 15 minutes that I realised I was about a millisecond away from being sick. With the 10th swallow I spluttered and renched forward surprising the students around me. One of the, a girl I've known since primary school, giggled nervously and asked if I had fallen asleep so I just told her straight that I was about to be sick. The shock on both her and her friend's faces disturbed me slightly so I concentrated on breathing right and trying to get rid of the feeling in my throat. I apologised profusely as if I had been in their position I know I would also feel exactly as they were feeling. I managed to gain control of the sick feeling and calmed down slightly until I realised that not only was I feeling ill now but I was also feeling that awful crushing feeling of fear and panic. I hadn't been sick in seven years and the thought of throwing up in public truly terrified me. Great, just what I need, another fear.

Somehow I managed to keep myself from begin sick and crashed into bed as soon as I got into my room. My mum, who before this scene had never had to deal with my being thing dehydrated as I am usually in Shoreham when it happens, was slightly flustered when I streaked up into my room refusing the cup of tea and her reassuring hug invite. Instead she tucked me in bed, shoved my empty bin next to my bed and told me she'd check on me later. I woke up 4 hours late not exactly well but better then I had been with my cat at the end of my bed playing doctor. She always does when some body's ill, she'll sit with them and be all affectionate until they're better again. I'm so happy I wasn't sick, you have no idea.

Thursday
After my sunstroke epidemic on Wednesday I was determined not to dehydrate today. Just like I did in the day of Pokesdown Primary, I even froze a bottle of water the night before to ensure I had a cold drink with me throughout the day.

Now, on Tuesday just before the photographer had appeared, we had all agreed to meet at the beach on Thursday at "12 ish" as my friend had said. Thinking this was still the case I strolled down to the beach and got there bang on 12. Seeing as nobody else was there yet (no surprise) I waited a few minutes before texting a friend asking if we were meeting at 12 or 1. Her reply was that "it was 1 I thought". Not impressed was my immediate reaction to say the least. So I waited on the pier for an hour, refusing to make that embarrassing turnaround journey back to my house when there was no point. When everyone finally got their little bottoms down to the beach we set up camp near the pier and a few of us headed tot the sea.

Now the beach that we were at happens to be the place where they are building an artificial reef for the surfers. This reef is said to increase the about of weaver fish in the area as predators etc. can't get in. Add this to the fact that those pesky little fish are supposed to be around the pier more then anywhere else and you have yourself a death trap. For as long as I can remember knowing about weaver fish I imagined the pain of being stung by one incredibly painful and almost cry-worthy. This was not the case however. All I felt was a sharp stinging pain in between my toes. Thinking I had something caught in there I looked at my foot and found nothing but a small pin-prick sized dot. At this was it I thought I'd just grazed myself on a stone. But when the pain wouldn't go away I asked my friend who was in the sea with me plus two others what it felt like to be stung by a weaver fish. "Sort of like a stinging and aching feeling" was her description which was exactly what I was feeling in my foot. I ignored it for a while thinking that noway had I been stung, it didn't hurt enough but about a couple of minutes my friend persuaded me to go the the lifeguard hut to get them to check it out. After a quick examination and question about how my foot felt he decided that I probably had been stung and told me to put my foot in the bowl of boiling water. As I was quite used to having baking hot baths the heat didn't bother me. What did bother me however was the funny looks I was receiving from the group of guy a little way from the lifeguard hut who were looking at me quizzically. After 25 minutes the pain stopped and the lifeguard told me I was okay to go again. Looking down at my feet however, I saw that I had one very pale foot and one very red one - not a good look. The pain was gone though so that's all I really cared about.

So from my three little experiences I can conclude three things:

Swimming in the sea when it's raining is not completely pointless and is a very fun activity if not a little cold.
The feeling of not caring what so ever about what other people think of you is actually really difficult to achieve and I only manage to when I am feeling so ill that all I can really think about is not being sick and that once you reach that stage of not caring it's a very relaxing feeling.
Weaver fish do not hurt nearly as much as you would think and there's nothing to worry about if you're thinking of going into the sea this summer.

I hope your week as been as fun as mine has. And yes, the past three days have not always been pleasant but I have felt quite happy throughout all of them so that's a good sign.

I wish my comment button worked.

Calm Down, Deep Breath, And Get Yourself Dressed Instead

2009-06-27T15:20:00.005+01:00

Have you ever had a dream come true and it not being nearly as fantastic as you hoped? That happened yesterday and I'm quite crushed today because of it.

You see, my dream was quite a basic and very girly one. I dreamt that as I turned to leave wherever I had been to go home, a guy that I like would happen to want to walk the same way as me and would walk me home blah blah blah you get the idea.

Things didn't go according to plan last night though. The guy that ran and caught up with me was not who I imagined it would be and I certainly do not like them in that way. Sure, he's a friend but that's as far as it goes. The conversation was alright but it wasn't amazing, I don't understand half of it, I just let him talk and I just nodded along. He didn't exactly walk me home but to a few street over and then realised he had to go back the other way.

Am I being selfish? Should I be happy that someone was kind enough to walk me back sort of when it was dark? Or am I allowed to be a little downhearted that my daydream didn't go exactly how I had hoped? I am grateful that someone was there to walk me part way home, it was very kind of them. But is it my fault that they aren't the person I hoped it would be?

And now because that daydream has been half done, I doubt it will happen again. That dream won't come true if you get what I mean. Perhaps it's time I realise that not everyone's dreams happen and that I should be happy that at least mine sort of did. Or perhaps I should focus on another daydream? Or will that one blow up just like the one before? I'm so disappointed.

I'll move on, Jacko died. It's sad but I'm not that upset. Sure he's a legend and his music is so influential but I wasn't exactly the biggest fan. Saying this, I think MJ jokes shouldn't be told for at least a month or two. It's just disrespectful.

Well done Sammykins, you got the cryptic - but can you work out the numbers? Would if help if I told you they had something to do with the book itself, not the story?

Oh What A Beutiful Mess This Is

2009-06-23T11:20:00.003+01:00

I have a cryptic post for you today and seeing as I know only one person reads my blog it is probably a little pointless but that's all I've got to say on that matter.

Can you guess I watched Forrest Gump for the first time yesterday?

Anyway, back to the blog. I've made another list. You'll probably be able to guess that it's to do with a certain series of books. If you don't guess which series that you've been living in a hole in the middle of the mountains of Zoozoo.

And now for the list:

52, Hedwig
69, Mad-Eye Moody
356, Ted Tonks
381, Wormtail
385, Dobby
510, Crabbe
512, Fred
528, Snape
531, Tonk + Lupin
556, Colin Creevey
564, Harry
590, Bellatrix
596, Tome Riddle

There are more but those are the ones that I recorded. Now what I want to know is what you think this list is all about. You have three guesses, if you don't guess correctly then you will never know, will you?

Unless someone tell you later...

That Future Boom Boom Boom

2009-06-16T11:16:00.004+01:00

Usually I don't connect too much with Glamour magazine. I buy it to see the types of things that will worry me in the future, the gaze at the beauty of the models in the adverts and to surf through the items of clothing that I will never to able to afford. However, this issue is slightly different; maybe because it is the 100th episode, I don't know.

In the issue, page 114, Bryony Gordon wrote an article about why she's happy to be single and why it bothers her when people ask "Why are you single?" seeing as she's 28 and does not have a significant other. Now, people I started reading the article I was feeling very gloomy about one hundred and more things - singledom being one of them. But now that I've read her reason for being happy and single, I've cheered up immensely. True, I'd still love to have someone there to (as Sammy explains) make me feel wanted and loved but for now I think I'll be okay just cruising alone.

Bryony make a list of ten things why she was happy to be single and I've decided to do one myself (it seems to me that my blog is becoming more about lists then anything else nowadays).

If I happened to meet Rupert Grint or Anton Yelchin randomly on the street, I would be single, as would they.
I can look my absolute worst without the fear of someone seeing me.
I can watch whatever I want and not be mocked.
I don't have to meet expectations of anyone.
I can make time for friends.
I don't have to put up with him annoying friends.
There's no chance of me being with the wrong person.
I can eat whatever I like and not have to constantly be swallowing mints.
I can still look at whoever I wish without anyone getting jealous.
I don't have to put up with any nonsense.

Nonsense is a very "old-fashioned" word but I think it suits the topic some how.

So yes, that's my list. I'm feeling better about being single now. People with partners can say what ever they like, I know I'm happy and if they can't accept it then they just go away. :)

I Missed Your Skin When You Were East

2009-06-15T11:42:00.006+01:00

So now I have all this free time and nothing to do. I understand now when someone asked me "What can I do now?" because I'm in the exact same situation. Not everyone has finished their exams yet so some people will still be revising. I've made a list of things I want to do this summer but they're sort of long term things or things that already have a set date. I don't know if I've already shared them with you so I'll tell you again. :)

Laugh until I cry
Go outside everyday
Get a tan
~~Meet someone new~~
Finish 2 books
Get in shape
Pass my exams
Do the RFL
Go to prom
Go on a picnic
~~Stay on the beach until it gets dark~~
Swim in the sea at night
Go shopping in Brighton with a group of friends
Taste kiwi

And that's all I've got so far. I'm sure I've already shown you this list so sorry if I'm repeating myself. I've already done two of them which is good seeing as my "proper summer" only started today.

There's so much stuff I want to do though. I want to do something everyday and have fun with whatever I'm doing. I know I have the beach nearly every Friday with "The Beach Group". We should have our own little group name, like the "Beachies" or something. Maybe I'll start calling people that and see if it catches on.

So many people have suddenly found partners (well, three anyway...). There's Devan who I said about before with Peter who I get to meet on Friday - as does she. It confuses me a little at how she's going out with him even though she's never met him. I asked her yesterday what she would do if he was only 4 foot tall. She didn't reply. :D But I suppose if she's happy, I'm happy. ^.^

The second one is Zanna and Dom. What started at a one night stand now seems to have moved onto something a little more. Although I'm not sure if they are "officially" going out or just a little casual thing but whatever. She's got someone which is good. I thought it was hilarious at the beach the other day though, the whole thing was so awkward for both of them. Ha! Oh well.

And finally there's Alex and C. I don't know his real name but Alex has 'C' in her msn name sooo, I'm guessing that's what he goes by. I think it's lovely how they hooked up. Well, not hooked up but you know what I mean. It was at the beach of Friday and apparently they walked away together. She was showering her with compliments and he asked her out just like that. They'd only known each other for a few hours but they seem very in to each other. They're quite similar too with the whole surfer/beach chic thing going on. Awh.

Do you think perhaps your dreams can come true for someone else, even if they've never had that dream? It's a little confusing. What I mean is that had a daydream about someone asking me out the same way C asked out Alex. So maybe my little daydream came true for Alex? If so I'm going to keep daydreaming and hopefully people I care about will have a happy summer.

Hurry Up Before I Change My Mind

2009-06-14T19:52:00.007+01:00

If you could have anything, what would you have? Would you have items? Or feelings? Or people? Or wishes? Personally, I'd have moments. I'd steal moments that people have caught. I'd take them for myself, be selfish, pretend I was there. Would you like me to share a few?

I have more, but that's all my blog will allow me to have. Even the Internet is stopping me from dreaming now, what a disgrace.

Pick Yourself Up And Try Again

2009-06-13T19:30:00.002+01:00

It's taken 20 blogger layout preview page refreshes, 12 photoshop files, 10 firefox tabs, 8 photobucket images, 6 hours, 4 templates, 3 ideas and 2 cups of tea to finally make this 1 single blogger layout. Blimey O'reilly. And I didn't even code the original template! I congratulate those who find the time to do so.

It's not fantastic, and there are few edits I could make but what do you think of it? I've never made one before so hopefully it looks okay. It should work in both firefox and IE now so yay! If it doesn't please tell me...

I'm going to have a break now because not surprisingly, my head and eyes ache a little and I need another cup of tea. :)

Toodle-loo.
x

And I Don't Have To Think It Through

2009-06-13T13:23:00.002+01:00

I've decided that a complete makeover is needed for my blog. So over the next few days (or possibly weeks depending on what I have planned) the layout of this page is going to be shifted, chopped and unwound until I finish making my layout. Please bear with me, I know it's going to be a mess and probably un-readable but I'll fix things as soon as I can!

So yeah, this was just a little warning, I may delete this post once I've finished layout-ing or find one that suits what I'm looking for! Thanks!

x

If You Believe In Magic Don't Bother To Choose

2009-06-09T19:51:00.013+01:00

I've been watching "The Fabulous Life of Celebrity Real Estate Splurges" and had the sudden urge to design my own dream home. I sound very spoilt in this and very selfish but it's my dream home so you can shush for now. Make your own?

In my dream home there would be:
- a walk in wardrobe filled with all the clothes I could ever ask for
- a library filled with books and secret rooms and passageways to other parts of the house behind the bookcases
- a home cinema with enough seats to accomidate 50 people
- my own catering staff who make the perfect cup of tea
- a telephone/video system so that you can connect to people in other parts of the house without having to find them
- a master bedroom with a kingsize bed that so high up you have to have little steps to reach it
- "his and her" bathrooms
- no marmite around the rim of the jar
- seperate wings so friends can stay for months on end but still have their own space
- a study with the latest technology
- brightly coloured plates etc.
- loads of pillows made from different materials and designs
- an indoor and outdoor swimming pools
- a pretend "Downtown" area with theatre, shops and arcades
- a hairdressers
- a gym but with no scary equipment, just friendly staff who are willing to help
- a beach just a few steps away
- marble topped kitchen surfaces
- a "sub-zero" fridge/freezer
- plenty of hand-picked art
- a secret garden
- chanderliers above the dining room table and in the middle of the stairs
- a spiral staircase or two
- an attic filled with old books, diaries and secret love letters belonging to past relatives
- plenty of room for storage
- a recreation room
- a room with a spongey floor that wouldn't hurt to fall on filled with pillows just to chill out in
- a massive mirror in one of the bathrooms just because
- enough room in the garage for any amount of cars
- a kettle that boils quickly and a toaster that toasts perfectly
- enough room for pets to roam
- a massive garden with a barbeque area, hot tub and lots of trees around the outskirts
- a forest at the end of the garden
- multiple bedrooms for guests
- multiple bathrooms
- personal touches like a messy coffee table and a few empty glasses hanging around
- huge french windows that open up to the world
- a huge sound system and never-ending supply of good CDs
- no neighbours to complain
- stairs that lead outside
- a waterfall
- a basement filled with sealed boxes
- a greenhouse filled with nice smelling fruits and vegetables
- an observatory
- central heating
- lots of sunlight during the day
- a lounge large enough to seat 30+ people comfortably
- a hot tub
- people on hand to give really good hugs whenever you need one.

And I think that's it. I'll probably remember something else just as I post this but for now that will do.

♥

I Can't Clean Up The Mess You Left

2009-06-08T16:59:00.005+01:00

Recently on my laptop I cam across a couple of lists I made a few months ago: a hate list and a love list. I thought I'd share them with you. Each list has 100 things on it. Make your own?

Hate List:

Low self-esteem
Depression
Arguments
Failing
Pain
Remembering bad times
Illness
People being upset
Frustration
Being stuck as the same person all the time
Coffee
Crying
2006
Obesity
People who just don’t care
Being let down
Ugly-days
Not being able to finish something
Embarrassment
Dark circles under my eyes
Spots
Wind & rain together
Rain in the summer
Getting soap in my eyes
Edward vs. Jake
Step Up 1 & 2
Trying really hard at something but not making any difference
Being taken for granted
People throwing food
Babies
Screaming
Anything unhygienic
Annoying alcoholics
People pretending to be drunk/high
Putting on a ton of weight
Being single
Science
Touch typing
Having no time to do anything
Having no money
Not having enough money
Spending money for no reason
Being late
No Internet connection
Liars
Cults
Chat speak
Mould
Bad smells
Awkwardness
Being cold all the time
Rejection
When I can’t swallow pills
Badly edited photos
Not being able to fall asleep
Stress
Shouting
My eyebrows
Cramped conditions
Wars
Overly hyper dogs
When people don’t flush the loo
Breaking things
Disappointing people
Annoying people
Not being able to get details right
Headaches
Nosebleeds
Burping
People who won’t listen
Bad clothes
Adverts saying “text to this number for this ringtone!”
Sundays
Having no memory left on the computer
Sweat
Twilight fan girls who say things such as “OMGEDWARDISMYHUSBAND!”
Spoilers
Cancelling
People who take forever to explain something
Scary films
People who won’t shush
People complaining about people talking when it’s them who’s making all the noise
Bad endings
“Let’s just be friends”
Not being able to upload videos
People touching my back
People showing off
When you think the puddle isn’t as deep as it really is
Worrying
Freaking out about silly little things
Cheating
Giving up
People having major operations
People who are constantly upset about silly things
Maths
When the computer freezes
Being told something won’t work when it will
Feeling out the loop
Paranoia
People who won’t let me change

Love List:

Weasley
Justin Long
Friends
Family
Laughing
Panic at the Disco
Wonderland
Out-of-the-ordinary
Circus-themed things
Harry Potter
Tea
Pancakes
Cut grass
Having my hair cut
Fall Out Boy
Nerimon
Julia Nunes
Ukulele
Making cards
Scrubs
Internet
Blogging
Photo editing
Hugs
Compliments
Colours
Pretty-days
Laying on the floor
Sleeping
Having a ‘crush’
Smiling
General happiness
Music
Films
Philadelphia on toast
All-American Rejects
People watching
YouTube
Talking
Meeting new people
Pokémon
New friends
Cats
Straighteners
Mascara
Eyeliner
Vaseline
Finishing projects
Dancing like a mad woman
Kawaii
The moon
Summer
Warm days
Dressing up
Good song lyrics
Good books
Farm animals
Hearts
Polka-dot
Skinnies
Clothes that fit
Oversized jumpers
Pyjama bottoms
New underwear
90210
Heroes
E4
Dave
Musicals
Glamour magazine
The smell of new books
Top hats
Guys in formal wear
Camden
Brighton
The beach
People who make the effort
Weekends
Laura’s parties
Good pens
Good grades
People with good hair
Wikihow
Taking photos
Having money
Lolcats
Graphics
Fantasy / make-believe
Nail varnish
Valentine’s Day
Pretty eyes
Sims 2
Making things
Making people smile
Stars
Night time
Funny films
Baths
Clean hair
Concerts

Please remember these are quite old so some things may have changed now. Still, it's nice to look back sometimes. :)

You Took Something Perfect And Painted It Red

2009-06-07T14:59:00.003+01:00

I moan a lot in this.

I hate it when you don't meet expectations but sometimes people take it too far. When people's expectations include you having to get wasted out of your mind and have to make an absolute fool of yourself just to reach what they think is acceptable is just a little bit over the line if you know what I mean...

Just for the record, I don't drink like you, I don't smoke, I don't play games that would easily embarrass me. And the thing is, all these things irritate you - I can tell. You see me sitting there with a glass of water instead of vodka and the smile gets wiped off your face so quickly you think no-one has seen. I've noticed it so many times it's unreal. You ask if I'm okay because I'm not screaming or laughing as much as everyone else. I tell you I'm fine, just tired. It's true, I do get tired but the truth is I'm sick of you asking if everything is okay. If I want a drink. If I want to join in. If if if. Well want if I'm fine being sober? What if I like knowing where I am? What if I like remembering what happen last night?

And another thing, I know I'm the dull one at your party. I know I'm the one who doesn't fit in with the rest of you. I really appreciate the invite and I thank you for including me. So I'm sorry if I irritate you with my worrying. I'm sorry I feel responsible to make sure everyone is okay. I'm sorry if I make a drama sometimes with things no-one really cares about. I'm sorry for ruining your fun at times.

To be honest I don't think I'll change, not yet anyway. I'm a worrier, it's what I do. Please don't think less of me. I don't mean to freak out about little things. This isn't a stab at you, it's more of a stab at myself for being so annoying. You don't have to say anything, I know I am, I annoy myself.

Too much I, sorry. Shush now.

There Were Things That Used To Make Me Smile

2009-06-04T20:08:00.002+01:00

I'm in such an unbelievably happy mood; it's crazy! I feel like I'm about to burst with sunshine happiness filled with sugar loveliness that will swamp you with warm fuzziness and love you forever. If you get my drift. I don't even know why. Well, I do but I can't quite narrow it down. Would you like me to go through reasons with you? Well I'm going to anyway.

1. Exams
What a strange topic to make you happy, you think. How on earth could that make you happy, you ask. Well it's simple: I only have four more and the one I had today went really well! Admittedly I'm dreading the one tomorrow but let's not rain on this parade. We're here to smile and dance and bang pots and pans together in celebration, not worry over whether or not it's important for me to know every tiny detail of Sukkot.

2. Friday Night
Tomorrow at 7pm I'm heading down to the beach for an awesome beach party which I am so looking forward to. There's going to be so many new people there to meet and I'll be able to cross something of my list of "things to do this summer" and I'll be raving with Mullet and there will be an epic moment until the moon involving spoons which only a couple of people know about and mwuhahaha. I cannot wait. You have no idea. WOO!

3. Devan
Devan is my friend. A very very very good friend. A friend who has had it bad for a few months now and is pretty much at the end of her tether. But you know what? Things are looking up for her and I'm so happy. She's got herself a boyfriend and he's really lovely from what I hear and he's a friend's cousin which may be a little weird but if he ever hurts her he's got family to answer to which is just terrifying and I'm so so so happy for her because she deserves it with all the shit she's had to go through and YAY FOR DEVAN! I may have to send her a smiley face to her to show how happy I am for her and oh oh oh happy happy happy.

I think that's about it for the random happy feeling reasons. There's probably more but my head is so filled with clouds of sparkles that I can't think of anything more.

I like that word, "sparkle". One thing though...vampires do not sparkle.

Touch My Plastic Face And See What Happens

2009-06-02T21:55:00.003+01:00

I've started to create characters in my head from the people around me and those I see around outside. Don't worry, all the nasty ones are people I've seen around or people I dislike. So if I like you, or if I read your blog, or if I'm subscribed to you on YouTube, you have nothing to worry about.

1. Matthew
He's tall, tanned, toned. He knows he's good looking and used every chance he gets to show this off. He gets the girls he wants. An American High School jock. Protected by his crowd of friends who don't really know him. This doesn't bother him though, he's practically famous. He's a joker, he likes to make fun of you. He will never notice those who whisper about him. He's too busy getting his head in the clouds to see the people who realise what he's really like. He doesn't care though. So long as he can get that scholarship and that girl he wanted as a prize.

2. Andy
Matthew's older brother. A much more caring soul. Just as toned and tall as Matthew but without the tough skin and thoughtlessness. People laugh at him. Make jokes. Matthew keeps him a secret, he doesn't want anyone to know that is brother has a "woman's job". Nurse. But Andy takes his work seriously. He know he gets laughed at. He knows people don't really understand the happiness he gets out of the work he does. He helps people. He saves people. People respect him. Perhaps not as much as they respect Matthew but he doesn't need that. That's just high school humour, Andy has his sights set for something more important then that.

3. Frank
A neighbour of Andy's. Andy knows the secrets but he keeps them to himself. He knows it's not his place to ask questions about the shouting, about the screaming, about the smashing. Frank is addicted to substances. He gets out of hand sometimes. Blames it on the "fast white lady". Everyone knows but are too shocked and appalled to speak up. Nobody wants that kind of responsibility.

4. Lucy
Frank's fiancee. Pregnant. In the same situation as Frank even in her condition. Also at the receiving end of those outbursts. The hitting, the pulling, smashing, the swearing. The whole street hear her cry for help but who would dare enter with Frank in that kind of rage? She leaves sometimes only to come back half an hour later and get chucked out again. She hates him but is terrified to leave - how else would she manage to get the stuff needed to feed her own hunger nevermind the baby's.

5. Grace
Grace lives a few doors down from Frank and Lucy. She goes to Matthew's high school but is in a different group of friend although they often see each other at parties and such. She's beautiful, the exact type Matthew would go for. High cheek bones, long blonde flowing hair that reflects, big blue deer eyes that mirror the smile painted on her face. She's lucky, blessed. She doesn't realise how good she's got it. She complains at times but soon perks up at the thought of a new shopping trip. Whispers can be heard about her too. Bimbo. She's not though, she's intelligent. She knows what she's talking about. She gets the joke you just said. She can figure you out faster then you can introduce yourself. Goddess.

6. Emily
Grace's best friend. The second-best at everything. Not as pretty as Grace. Not as intelligent. Not as brave, funny, charming, flirty. She's thinner then Grace. This doesn't make a difference. She tries as hard as Grace. It doesn't make a difference. She tries to make new friends but then Grace gets introduces and they lose interest in Emily. Boys use her to get closer to Grace. Not fair is it? Not that it matters. Emily is Grace's best friend. It's what friends do for each other. Right?

7. Violet
And classmate of Grace & Emily's. She makes scenes. Lies to people. Tries things she shouldn't. Pushes boundaries. All of this just for the attention she gets for it. She's the girl at the party that you'll find drunk, crying and being sick in her own shoes just so long as a drunken boy picks her up and takes her off to a separate room. She makes sure of this. She gets out of everything. Wriggles out of every situation. Fakes things to see the affects of it. Spiteful to everyone who crosses her. Doesn't care about anyone so long as she's having a good time. Says things just to cause disapproval. Makes it seem she's invincible. She's not. She'll end up just like Lucy.

8. Isabella
Another classmate. The complete opposite of Violet. She's modest to the the extreme but not in an irritating way. She cares for you no matter who you are. She's not a push over. She'll stand up for what she believes in. She's beautiful but doesn't show it off. She's an artist. She's unbelievably friendly. Someone you can count on in every situation. She's the one who you go to when something terrible has happened and she makes it better again with one simple sentence. She knows how to have fun but doesn't need to get drunk to do so. She's different, quirky, kind.

9. Owen
An old friend of Emily, Violet and Isabella's. Grace has never had the pleasure of being introduced properly. I wonder why? He's jealous about everything. He will try and make you jealous of him just so you know how he feels even though you haven't done anything wrong. He shocks people at times. Laughs at things that aren't even that funny. He doesn't have the nicest smile out there. He tries to but even he knows he shouldn't even try. He knows when he's good at something and will show everyone. He will put you down because in his eyes you will never be as good as you. Shallow.

Make your own? I may add more later.

My Name Is Jason And This Is What I Look Like

2009-05-28T18:24:00.002+01:00

"And all the angels they'll be singing ah la la la ah la la la I la la la la love you."
"And nothings going to stop me but divine intervention."
"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend."
"But you don't fold, you don't fade, you've got everything you need."
"Live high, live mighty, live righteously, takin' it easy, live high, live mighty, live righteously."
"What a fool I'd be to start complaining now."
"If it's a broken part, replace it but, if it's a broken arm then brace it, if it's a broken heart then face it."
"Every motion is closer to touching the coyotes sing when the feast on your loving."
"Are my manners misinterpreted words or only human?"
"Gimme gimme that high five."
"Well all I really wanna do is love you."
"Hey, what a beautiful mess this is, it's like picking up trash in dresses."

I'm in love with Jason Mraz; or his songs anyway. He writes very interesting lyrics. They make you think, make you laugh, make your blush, make you sing, make you dance, make you steal things.

Yes yes. Good person. Good songs. Love love.

Like Leaves In The Wind Floating Free

2009-05-23T14:02:00.016+01:00

We finished school yesterday, can you believe it? Let me tell you about it, it's a wonderful story. This tale comes in three parts.

Part One: Half Day

Waking up at 6:15am isn't the time I usually get up my yesterday's early morning excitement was too much. Somehow I managed to get ready, all dolled up, by quarter past seven which meant I had time to go on facebook. Oh yeah, nevermind about leaving school so long as I can check facebook before I leave...how sad.

To be honest, I don't really remember the first part of yesterday. I have random bursts of memories but other then that it's all a bit of a haze. Not because I drank or anything stupid but because I had such a busy day.

I remember walking down to collect my folder and my shoes making such a racket that I couldn't hear what the teacher was saying. Also I remember her saying that I hadn't decided on my A Levels which I had. Oh, and also the year 7's singing "Love Story" to us; that was sweet.

I remember the words "Have Courage".

I remember the tears afterwards that would not stop falling from everyone else's eyes. I remember not crying. I remember being too happy to cry.

I remember hugging my form tutor and the feeling of accomplishment.

I remember my graphics teacher's grin when we took photos of him; he has the most adorable smile for a middle to old aged man.

But it doesn't matter what I do and don't remember, I have the whole day captures in photographs. I think I'm going to print those properly; everyone looked so beautiful.

Part Two: Penne a Pollo Zaffarano

By the second half of the day it was midday; lunch time. Lunch time for us meant a booked table and the very open, fresh and friendly Prezzo. The seven of us entered the restaurant still all dressed to kill with a table booked for all of us.

A couple don't really order their own food, usually their parents to. I thank my mother for forcing me to order my own food since a young age as now I have no problem with it. So, playing father with my partner sat next to me playing mother, we ordered our food plus two jugs of water as the first one wasn't enough for all of us.

With a food demolished and the bill paid it was time to meet with everyone else in town. But there was a problem; it was windy outside. Why oh why must it be winding when I was wearing such a girly skirt? And why hadn't I worn better underwear? Now thanks to the blasted wind and the many many hills in town, the group were allowed a preview of my very embarrassing red pants with ducks patterned on them. Greeaaattt.

Thankfully there was a clothes shop opposite where we were meeting with allowed me to dash in with a friend and buy a pair of denim shorts - and boy were they short. After changing into them in the book shop toilets I resembled someone who is pretty much the complete opposite to me. Someone who wears see-through heels and their best friend is a pole. To rid this image, I whipped of my heels and danced around town with everyone in a vest top and denim short-shorts. I had gone from formal female to beach babe in a matter of minutes. Excellent.

Sadly, I felt a little out of place then as I was the only one not in formal wear in our group. This didn't matter though, I'd rather that then to have my skirt blow up every few seconds and letting everyone in town see my undies. Not a good look.

Once we had all regrouped, we headed down to the beach as we had heard about some sort of party going on even though it didn't start until 7pm and it was only 3pm. After sitting on one beach for a while we decided a change of scene would be good. Altogether we jumped aboard the noddy train and were carried back to the beach most of us usually go to. On the way we screamed and waved wildly at any innocent pedestrian we saw at the beach in the hopes that they would wave back to us; and many did - especially the oldies. We also decided that swearing on the noddy train should be punishable by death as the vehicle was so innocent and "such a mockingbird".

When we reached our destination we found ourselves going to somewhere that we weren't really sure of. As the train stopped, we all clambered off thinking this was the end of the line. This was not the case however and the train drove off just minutes after we got off. This left us stuck in our formal wear (or beach wear in my case) trying to figure out how to get to our homes. In the end we decided to separate and meet up again at the pier at 6:30pm. This was originally a grand idea, the only problem was that we had to walk back. I ended walking with the person who was "mother" at the restaurant and so mother and father walked home, barefoot, in the boiling hot sun.

Now let me explain, since the moment I took my shoes off in town, to the moment I got home, I did not wear any shoes or socks. You may be wondering why. Well the pain that my heel would have caused was nothing compared to the burns I received on the bottoms on my feet - but that's not to say that walking home barefoot didn't hurt.

Walking along the clifftop was fine for a while until we were met with pebbly cement. Why on earth would you make cement pebbly? It's not a good idea for grip, it just hurts. So mother and father hobbled along the pavement at about 1 mph complaining about how painful and cruel the world was but still refusing to put on their shoes as they were too terrified of the pain they would cause too. As mother left to go down her road to her house, father had to solider on to her home. I searched for every little piece of shade I could find on the road as a safe-haven that didn't work. The parts of path that were in the shade were hot enough but the parts in the sun gave 3rd degree burns to the soles of your feet. Walking like some kind of cowboy, I managed to shuffle my way towards home. When my feet touched the cold porch floor it was like heaven on my feet.

Shoving my feet into the bathtub of hot water and bubbles also helped with the pain. Somehow, I had managed to cut little bits of the top of my feet as well as get burn blisters on the bottom of my feet. I had to literally scrub my feet to get through the layer of dirt that covered them, quite disgusting actually.

Part Three: Chips and Rocky Road

It was time for another costume change before I brave walking outside again. This time it was leggings, a long shirt and a new purple cardigan with sensible and very very comfortable shoes - oh, and socks. Putting on my socks was the best feeling in the world. They instantly comforted my poor aching feet and protected them from anymore pain that I could possibly inflict on them. My poor feet.

After failing to meet up with the "mother" of this "mother and father" couple that had been created in the restaurant, I made my way down to the pier on my own arriving 10 minutes late but somehow just on time to see everyone else arrive. Everyone had changed and still all looked wonderful in their usual gear. It was back to normal on the outside but something was definitely different on the inside.

Once everyone had arrived we decided to make our way down to where everyone was supposedly meeting. As we came closer to a group that we thought was our lot, we decided to cook up a plan in case we didn't fancy joining them so we wouldn't have to make that embarrassing journey towards everyone from the promenade down to the beach to find out once your only a couple of metres away that you don't really want to be around the people who are there and then turn slowly and leave whilst everyone laughed. Our plan was that we would walk past and wave if we knew them but didn't really want to stay. This way we wouldn't seem rude by completely ignoring them but also it wouldn't cost us any embarrassment of the shameful walk. Strangely, the group we saw first were no way the people we were thinking of finding seeing as they were 20-odd so we just carried on.

After traipsing up and down for about half an hour, I admittedly began to get very annoyed. All the indecision's and walking was getting to me. All I wanted to do was sit down on the beach somewhere and enjoy the time with the people I actually care about. I certainly did not want to go round trying to find a so-called "party" when there was obviously no-one there and the people who were going to be at the party weren't exactly friends, so what was the point? Eventually we sat and refused to move anymore. People who had also been looking for this "party" came along and sat for a while but soon left thinking that they were close to the "real party". To be honest I was happy to stay were I was without the alcohol, loud music and chavvy people to make our gathering a party. I'm such an old woman. ("SHUT UP")

At around 8:30pm everyone was beginning to get a bit hungry again so mother and father went on a hunt for chips. We went of promising the group we'd be back in roughly half an hour with food and drinks and not to move. Oh, and tell anyone who we did not like to go away seeing as we could say that to them now that we've finished school.

The adventure to get chips began in Somerfield where we bought two 1.5L bottles for a pound (bargain!) and a tub of rocky road cakes. We then moved onto the chip shop to buy 3 portions of chips which we thought would feed the ten or more people who were there with us. Whilst waiting for the chips, we realised that we didn't want anyone who wasn't with our group to eat any of our food. Because of this we phoned the group and told them to move away from anyone and meet us by the loos as "we'd be there soon". After getting the chips, we had to make another dash into Somerfield to buy ketchup and salt. Two more bargains, the ketchup being just 45p for a bottle and the salt something silly like 14p. Brilliant.

Once we reached the beach again, we caught people just about to leave as they had to get home again. Bummer we thought, no way are we going to finish the chips with only 5 of us left. Oh how wrong we were. One of us (she will remain un-named like the rest of the lot) managed to eat a whole portion to herself whereas the other 2 portions were shared between 2 people. What a greedy animal (although "mother" had said in the chip shop that the beast counted as 3 people when food is concerned). Once the hungry one had finished she left explaining that she wanted to get home before it was dark. This left mother, father and their last two children to stay on the beach until it was dark - just so the father could cross it off her list of stuff to do in the summer. Once documenting this with a photograph, they made their way home again.

The two "children" were being picked up which went that the "mother and father" had to walk home in the dark together. This wasn't too bad as they had each other and were streetwise about the dangers of nighttime - this isn't to say they weren't terrified though. As they lived a few streets away from each other, the pair had to separate after the spine-chilling Woodland Walk. Father told mother to get her keys out and scratch anyone in the face who dared approach her and also to phone one another if they got scared.

And father neared her house, she got a phone call from mother as she was scared and wanted someone to talk to. Luckily both were perfectly fine and managed to reach their houses safely before 10pm which left enough time for "father" have another bath to soak her feet. Overall, a ridiculously fantastic day.

One day, three parts, two hundred and sixty-six photos and a life time supply of happy memories. Thank you everyone who made my time at Avonbourne so amazing. I love you all.

Avonbourne Leavers 04-09

Oh Such Torturous Things

2009-05-08T17:50:00.003+01:00

I'm so happy more people are blogging. It's such a revolution. Well probably not but I think it is. That makes no sense but I'm so tired I really don't give a damn. Oh, happy mood gone. Sorry.

I really really detest exams at the moment and we haven't even started them yet. I have a drama exam on Monday (obviously it's not just me but you get what I mean) and I really don't want it. It's really nerve-racking but perhaps that's because our drama is pretty much crap and it's too late to change it now. Shame. We could do so much better.

A guy just walked past my house with the most shocking red head I've ever seen. Now usually when you say that it's an exaggeration but I'm not kidding, it was literally like a tangerine. Poor bloke, I bet he gets bullied sometimes. I don't understand why, I mean personally I love ginger hair because usually the people are quite interesting but I'm contradicting myself now.

Awwh, there's a little old lady walking past now with a nice head of grey curly hair - sort of like you can tell she's just had it done. Her purple/grey floral coat looks rather cozy too. She looks like a proper granny. Oh how a love old people.

Pervert.

It's the weekend already, can you believe it? We only had 4 days working this week - good ol' bank holidays.

Sadly, I have to go now; my teeth need brushing. Yum yum.

I Just Want To Bottle The Sun

2009-05-05T21:08:00.005+01:00

Do you ever find that people re-use phrases just a little too much? There's two floating around at the moment. First, the opening to many people's letters of goodbye, "well what can I say?". I'm not saying it's wrong to say it but it's a bit of a silly question. Not only are you going to answer the question in the letter but you are going to do so in detail. Please do not write this in my leaver's book, it'll only upset me as I may think you have nothing to say to me. How sad.

The second phrase is one that gets used so much it has lost it's meaning; "that's hilarious". Fair enough if that situation is hilarious but when someone has lost their pen or similar and you announce to the class that it is "actually hilarious", well, it's not. Please shush.

I can see the moon again so I haven't closed the curtains; why on earth would I want to shut away such a pretty thing? It's a shame I can't see the stars. I need to go to a field in the forest for that. Maybe later, it's a little chilly right now.

I feel like singing I'm in such a good mood! I think it may have been from speaking online and the happiness has just leaked though the interwebs. Oh how I love it.

I need more summer songs, any suggestions?

In Silence

2009-05-04T18:02:00.004+01:00

I believe a congratulations is in order. Dearest Pinkie, I know you don't read this but congratulations on your subscriber count - I'm so happy for you! If you do not have a clue who I'm talking about, have a nosey at this: http://www.youtube.com/user/alexfralexmelonwax.

Revision must bee the most boring thing to pass the time with and I only started today. I now have parts of my walls absolutely covered in Judaism and biology notes in the hope that I'll remember them all. Fun times.

Business and drama exam next week. Then math, English lit, biology and business again the week after. Oh how exciting my life is becoming!

I think my current addiction to Pokemon Pearl (yeah, I have the less-popular one) has made everything else more technical. Let me explain, as I was falling asleep last night a thought came to me that I was not falling asleep but waiting for sleep to load. Also, when I was writing out revision notes with the felt tips I bought recently I imagined what it would be like to have to buy new ink similar to printer ink for pens instead rather then just buying new pens. Then I thought how expensive the pen ink would be. Or how cheap a printer could be if you reversed that though and you had to buy a new printer instead of new ink cartridges. You see what I mean? It's not a good sign.

Jitterbug.

2009-05-03T11:28:00.008+01:00

All aboard the fail boat. I forgot to blog - I mean, I remembered but didn't have enough time. I only got back at 3am this morning (of course this morning otherwise I wouldn't have written "am"). Babysitting is going to kill my exams but it pays well so I can't complain.

I have the words cosmic and cancer written faintly on my wrist. I love the word cosmic, it's a very sparkly word. I think we should all start saying it more often so instead of saying "yeah that was good" or "cool!" we could all start saying things like "that trip was cosmic" or "your new nose is cosmic". A all new word for something positive. It's very 70's though isn't it? But who cares, the 70's were fun, right?

Cancer on the other hand is the complete opposite of cosmic. It is the most un-cosmic word out there in my eyes. It's a haunting infection that takes over an innocent person. It's a cough after the "last" cigarette. It's a bullied child. It's the very model of the new-age plague. I also feel for those whose star sign is cancer. Not only is it a deathly word but the sign for it is a crab. For those with a twisted mind, this isn't a good symbol.

I have the line "The very model of a model of a mother" from Simon Armitage's Homecoming stuck in my head. This reminds me of Fight Club and how he describes insomnia as "a copy of a copy of a copy". I love repetition, it makes everything so much more believable.

Did you know that if you whisper a lie to someone they are more likely to believe it? Try it.

I Want To Get Away, Yeah.

2009-05-01T21:34:00.006+01:00

This tea doesn't taste very nice, I think there's full fat milk in it and it really does make a difference. I had such a good day today; it's been one of those times when everything just seems to be going your way and everything's positive. Plus the fact that I fangirled over Ron Weasley but let's not go into that.

It's the first of May today but too late to "pinch/punch" you. Instead, I've decided to make a commitment. Every day this month I'm going to blog. Every single day for 31 days; I doubt many people will read it but hey ho. I got the idea from YouTube, it's originally called VEDA (Vlog Every Day April) but seeing as I don't really vlog and I missed April, I'll blog in May instead. What a rebel.

I just had an idea fora photograph. Maybe I'll take it and put it up here for you to see. But probably not. Maybe I'll put it on deviantART...or maybe not.

Have you ever thought of what you would be like if you were the opposite of yourself? I would smoke, I would have a shaved head, I would be a boy, I would drink, I would party all night, I would hate most music, I would be tall, I would be known by everyone, I would wear black, baggy clothes, I would never laugh, I would be good at science, I wouldn't blog, I would have taken music for GCSE, I would be in a band. I know exactly who I would be like. Thank the holy cow I'm not the opposite of me. I would hate that. Or would I? I'm confusing myself.

I've watched Fight Club twice in twenty four hours. I love it and not because of Brad Pitt. The storyline is so clever and well thought out. And the twist at the end! Pure brilliance. It's gold wrapped up in a film reel.

Shopping, babysitting, no party, bed. My tomorrow will be a bright one...

What Did You Tell Them?

2009-04-29T16:43:00.008+01:00

Do you ever get the feeling that there are people in your life who are just better then you? Don't worry, I'm not going to go on about how I hate it and how jealous I am. No, fair from it.

I love it when those people who, I'll admit, I can be afraid of at time because they have so much power and influence over people, but when they just turn and smile at you kindly or agree with what you're saying or laugh at your joke. It not them being nasty, they're genuinely being kind to you. I love that, it makes me feel respected and even slightly privileged to be included in their happy, shiny life.

But moving on from that, I'm sure you don't really understand what I'm going on about - who knows, you might be one of those people yourself.

The sun was out today and it made me happy. The vitamin D shining down on my skin make my outlook happier; and I needed in too with the day I had. But I won't scare you off by going through it. Lets just say it wasn't one of the best days I've had.

I'm so excited for college; I just can't stop thinking about it. I seem to be relating everything to it. Want an example? How about whenever we have a conversation it always seems to be about similar things but at college there's a whole bucket load of new conversations to unfold with new people, new scenery, new everything.

A while back I was talking about how I wish everything would change and now that college is just 5 short months away I'll be able to get that change. To meet new people, see new things, experience new heights. I really cannot wait for that. I'm not saying that I won't miss my friends and "old life" but for a chance of change to finally happen is the happiest news I've heard in a long time.

Empty Pockets Tell A Story

2009-04-28T16:53:00.003+01:00

Clouds, rainbows, sugar drops, satellites, spell check, holding you at arms length and regrets. The most interesting things crop up in my mind just as I'm falling asleep. I'm glad I wrote them down. I can't explain most of them but I know exactly where the last two came from. Shall I explain? But promise me no names. I'm not allowed to embarrass you even if you embarrassed me. We're different you see, too different.

I'm sorry I made you lie. I'm sorry I irritated you. I'm sorry I'm not like those other girls you know who are interesting and real. I'm sorry you had to spend that month and a half with me when I know that as soon as it started you wanted out. Mostly I'm sorry that through all that time I held you away and ruined everything.

Let me explain but it won't be easy. I don't understand it, it's something completely out of my control. When you weren't around, all I wanted to do was find you, see you, smile with you, hold you close and never let go. But as soon as you appeared, as soon as you found me, saw me, smiled with me, all I wanted to do is hold you back, run away, hide from you like a child. I wanted to keep you at arms length so you couldn't hurt me. I wanted you to stay away but at the same time stay as close as possible. I was on a yo yo, near one second then in a blink of an eye I was rolling away, trying to break free.

I regret everything. From that moment I was with you to the moment I wasn't. But you have to know it's not my fault. I'm not blaming you for everything but for some things I am. You embarrassed me and it sounds silly and pointless but that is the one thing that will cause that massive gap that separated us to grow. I thought I'd forget about it, about those nine short words you said to me that afternoon but they still haunt me even seven months on. I can't sleep because of it. I find myself bolting awake thinking I'm reliving those 30 seconds. I hate it but I will never be able to explain it to you face to face. You won't get it and you'll get end up telling someone. Perhaps one of your friends - y'know, they ones that I now have nothing to do with because I can't stand to be reminded of those ugly times.

So you know what, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to realise how cold I can be. Thank you for showing how lonely I really am. Thank you for scaring me into being alone for fear that I'll do exactly the same thing to the next person. Thank you very much.

At least it's stopped raining now.

I Was Just In The Middle Of A Dream

2009-04-27T18:58:00.008+01:00

It's raining. Why does it have to rain? I want to run in the sun. I want to play under to moon in a cloudless sky. But I can't. Because it's raining. The wind picks up again; bending the trees and pushing the mist off the tops of the houses forming a breath of clean water.

The wind forced the clouds away but it still rains. The sun peeks out, careful as not to disturb the peace. Maybe there will be a rainbow. I hope so; there hasn't been one in such a long time. I can see blue skies over the sea but where I am hovers black clouds. Monstrous; dominating. A sign?

Perhaps it's telling me that once I get out of this dark cloud I'll be home free to somewhere happy. Somewhere calm. It's a shame I'm still in the cloud. It's brightening up though. Everything is getting better.

The rain just started again. The blue sky is fading. I jumped too soon and missed my landing. I moved too slowly and got hit by that bullet. No happy ending here, just an endless cloud of black.

So instead of playing under the moonlight and instead of running in the sun; I sit inside, cold, eating to make me fat. Chocolate, biscuits, cereal, unhealthy. Podgy, it's such a disgusting word. Fat: that word's even worse. Obese; I just don't understand how people manage to get like that.

Oh look, the rain's slowed down and the blue skies and peeking out; controlling, dictating. I hope they reach me, I'd prefer blue skies to rain. I can see a rainbow outside. It showed for us. Quick, make a wish before it disappears again. Optical illusion. Almost gone, the cloud ate it. At least the rain's gone now. Out comes the blue - it's so pretty.

Time to go, I have to run in the sunlight.

A New Angle

2009-04-12T17:55:00.009+01:00

So I'm fed up with blog the normal way. Y'know, writing down what I did, how it made me feel etc. Instead, I'm going to give you all a nice little tutorial on airbrushing in photoshop. Fun, right!?

Now with this tutorial I'm going to be using Photoshop CS3 but don't worry if you don't have this type of photoshop or you have a completely different photo editing program, you should still be able to apply the same step but the tools may be in different places. However this tutorial will not work for MS Paint, Paint.net or any other basic paint program - sorry!

First of you'll going to have to open up your photo in photoshop. My photo is one from Christmas but please just ignore this fact! Also, if you need to view the image larger just right click >> Properties >> copy and url >> paste in the address bar.

Next we are going to get the Healing Brush Tool which is the seventh icon down on the tools bar. If you cannot see this tool then right click on whichever tool is number 7 and it will appear in the dropdown menu.

With this tool we are going to get rid of any shineyness, spots or blemishes. To do so, alt-click on a piece of skin that is close to the area you are going to edit but is blemish free and your natural skin tone. Once you have selected the skin, click onto the blemish to heal it. Keep in mind that your brush size should be big enough to just fit over the blemish or smaller.

Once we have finished getting rid of any marks or "bad parts" on the skin, we can airbrush the image. For this step we have to reduse the noise of the photo. To reduse the noise go to: filter >> noise >> reduce noise. A pop-up box should then appear:

With this box open, I had my settings as the following:
Strength: 10
Preserve Details: 10%
Reduce Colour Noise: 0%
Sharpen Details: 69%
However, depending on the quality of your photo your settings may differ. Just mess around with the settings until you are happy.

To ultra-edit your photo you can also click on "Advanced" (show below) and change the settings per channel. For this photo I had all the advanced settings at:
Strength: 10
Preserve Details: 60%

Once you have finished with the settings, click "OK". And voila! You've successfully airbrushed your photo!

If you feel confident enough you could also try adding things such as eyelashes etc. But these types of things (e.g. brushes) have to be downloaded.

Hope this helped! Happy Easter everyone.

My Breath Fogged Up The Glass So I Drew A New Face And Laughed

2009-03-27T19:52:00.004Z

I've just discovered what I really dislike about our headteacher. Yes, she's irritating and pathetic but I'm finally realised what makes me so annoyed with her. It's the fact that she makes all these changes without giving us a reason or consulting anyone first. Sure, she has her "Headteacher meetings" but no-one pays any attention in them and she just assumes that because she's he headteacher, we'll be happy with whatever she decides to do. At least we've only got a few weeks left before we get to leave. That's quite shocking actually; only a few weeks to go. It's crazy, at the beginning of the year it felt like we still had years to go but once we got past Christmas the time is just flying by. And to think, by the end of next week I won't have to do any more coursework for school either. Sure, I'll get some in college but not in school. Never again. How strange.

I've recently been writing letters to friends. Friends who I see everyday but decided it would be nice to write to them. I've got three letters to write over the weekend, as well as finishing off all my coursework. I don't mind though, so long as they write back. But then, if they don't I won't mind either because at least I made them happy for a little while. What I mean by that is the fact that when you get mail as a teenagers you feel quite loved and proud because someone has taken the time to write. You appreciate it a little more then adults as they get them all the time...saying that, most of their letters are bills of some sort.

I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas last night. One of the funniest, if not strangest, films I've ever seen. Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro are brilliant in it. My two favourite lines of the whole film had to be: "We can't stop here, it's bat country!" and of course, "I've never missed a plane yet..." and then the actions that followed. Absolutely hilarious.

What is the deal with people saying "To be honest" after every sentence nowadays? Fair enough if it makes sense but what it's something such as: "I need a pen...to be honest". I just don't understand. I'm such an English Geek. I can't stand it when people use phrases incorrectly.

Oh I'm being so hypocritical. Here I am saying how I hate people who use phrases incorrectly when I am a criminal in my own eyes. I say "like" far to often and really want to stop but I just forget. Especially when I'm stressed or taking quickly as the word just slips out. I need help from someone to help me break the habit. No-one will take me seriously if I continually say "like" in every sentence.

Russian Roulette Is Not The Same Without A Gun

2009-03-24T18:19:00.004Z

I think my brain may have exploded...or imploded. Whichever. All I know is that the thought of having to concentrate on something makes me want to dig my claws into my scalp and rip my squishy brain out of my head and stamp on it. Exaggeration? Yeah, probably but you get the jist of it.

But why on earth is my brain so painful? Well that would be because of the RS homework I had to complete. Something about how festivals are all important and what's my opinion. The thing is I'm not exactly religious. Sure, I've been Christened and if I were to get married I'd probably have the service in a church. But an opinion on different Christian festivals? Okay, fair enough I like Easter and Christmas and I'm over half way though Lent now but Epiphany? Pentecost? Um, no thanks. Surely if you were to have an opinion on a subjects you would want to at least now about them in detail first? Oh well, it's done now.

Moving on from that, I find school isn't a very interesting subject. Now, I have a question for you, whoever you may be. If you could apologise to one part of your body, which part would you say sorry to? So for example you could say sorry to your skin for making it so dry or orange, you could apologise to your eyes for burning them with the sun or getting bits of make up on them, or even ask for forgiveness from your hair for damaging it so much with all your stylish products. Personally, I would apologise to my brain. Like I said, I would so much like to stamp on it right now but I suppose it's just It's way of making me pay for the times I've filled It with nonsense and dreams that will never happen and forcing It to learn things that I probably will not need. So Brain, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the stupid times I went with my feelings rather then listening to you. I'm sorry for the many times that I've made you ache because of stress or lack of sleep. I'm sorry for that time I cursed you for not being as good as other people's brains. I'm sorry for all the times you were right but I let others persuade me into thinking that you were wrong. But mostly I'm sorry for putting you under so much pressure recently. And yes, that pressure will continue for the next few weeks and maybe later on in my life too. However, to show you that I appriciate you (because I really, really do), I promise that I will never rot you. I promise I will never kills you with drugs. I promise I will not let you waste away to something useless. And I promise I will listen to you as much as I can so long as you promise me to behave and help me rather then lead me off on the wrong track. So finally, thank your Brain. Thank you for letting me think and imagine. And thank you for staying with me for the past sixteen years. Thank you for filling up with knowledge and thank you for being the right size.

Sorry and thank you.

He Said Girl You Better Try To Have Fun

2009-03-23T16:57:00.003Z

Mother's Day? What a disaster. It started out fine, my mum loved her gift and card, we had a nice relaxing morning. I made her tea and a hot cross bun and we generally had a nice morning. It all turned sour when if came to the walk in the forest. Again, everything was fine until Whizz (our dog) was let off the lead. At first it was fine, he'd go galloping about make friends with everyone. But then he ran right up to a horse. Now usually the horses are quite tame and are used to animal and people seeing as they're often surrounded by them. But for Whizz, not so much. Whizz went straight to the back of the horse and got kicked. Has anyone ever been kicked by a horse? I haven't but you can imagine the pain Whizz felt and boy did we hear it. Whizz jumped and ran crying as loud as he could away from the horse. We had to try and catch him and settle him down. He was hurt that was for sure but it was nothing major. He was limping for a little while but soon enough he was himself again. We're still keeping him in for a couple of days just to make sure nothing did happen that we didn't spot straight away. Now I know what you're saying, "why don't you take him to a vet?" Well our vet is away at the moment and yes we could find another but seeing as he can still walk and probably just has some bruising I'm sure he'll be fine. If he had broken something or really hurt himself he wouldn't have run away. He wouldn't have been about to.

Okay, enough about the dog. How was your mothers day? I hope it was better then mine. My mum got really upset because Whizz is practically her baby and in all fairness it was quite a shock.

I've been looking for dresses recently for ROA day - seeing as the only people who actually read my blog go to my school there's not really any point to explaining what this day is. However, if there is the slightest chance that someone else is reading my blog, ROA day is when all the year 11's (last year) leave the school and we all dress up smart to receive our Record of Achievement. Now, my search for a nice dress has sadly turned out to be a little hopeless seeing as there aren't many out yet. And yes, I know, ROA isn't until May but I just want to be prepared.

So instead of my of a dress I've been looking for skirts too. This has also wound up as a bad idea seeing as all of the skirts are below the knee and Lord knows short people can't wear skirts below the knee - it just makes you look short. Well in my case it does anyway. So does anyone have any ideas?

And If I Was Blessed, I'd Walk On The Water You're Breathing

2009-03-22T12:33:00.005Z

It's Mother's Day and we're going for a picnic in the forest to say hello to the ponies. How many horses are in the forest? Well none of course, they're all ponies. I made my mum happy today; unlike Dave Pelzer, author and traumatised child from A Boy Called It. It's a horrific tale and I'm not sure why I'm reading it, it's so depressing. But I quite like reading real life stories; not because I'm sick in the head and like to hear about the pain some people go though because of no fault of their own but because they make me appreciate my live and the people in it more. I realise how privileged I am and reminds me of the fact that I have nothing to complain about. So I get spots? So I don't look like I wished I looked like? So I have disagreements with people and get angry? They're such little problems compared to Dave Pelzer's or Anya Peter's.

I received the news that Jade Goody died today; on Mother's Day. It must be such an awful time for her family and friends, my heart goes out to them all, she was so brave. And truth be told, I never really like Jade Goody as I didn't understand why she was famous but no-one deserves to die at 27. Especially if that person has a loving family, had just been married and still had so much to live for. I'm happy that she managed to get married. I watched some of it on TV when it was on and it was so emotional. I feel so sorry for her mother, husband and children the most. They must be going through such a heartbreaking time. But I suppose it also gives them a sense of closure to know that she won't be suffering the immense pain anymore that she was feeling whilst she was in hospital. At least it's over in a sense even though it's such a terrible fate.

This blog started off so happy but ended so sad. I'm sorry, I'll try to brighten it up. How about so lyrics that have been making me smile for the past couple of days? Read the lyrics and you're smile too. Imagine someone singing them to you; someone who loves you.

And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.
And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest.
'Cause they chose you
As the model
For their empty little dreams.
With your new head
And your legs spread
Like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in.

And if I was brave
I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies.
And I'd slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission
To your eyes,
And I'd stand there
Like a soldier
With my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread
And my arms out
In my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you
Who you are...
Under their shell..

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you

And if they sent a whirlwind,
I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake,
I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you
In my weak arms like a first born.

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)

(through hell for you) without you
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)

Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do
But rest these feet at home with you.

If you're wondering which song it is, it's by Say Anything and is called A Walk Through Hell. I love it so much, it cheers me up immensely.

Have a beautiful day. :)

Don't Pretend To Not Love Me Anymore Because I Don't Believe You

2009-03-16T19:51:00.004Z

I can't stand it when people have 'bad times' in their lives. Like when they're depressed, upset or just everything around them is falling down but you can't do anything to help them. I mean, you can either try and cheer them up but just end up annoying or upsetting them even further; or you can try to make it so even though everything is going south in their lives you'll be there to make a steady rock so they can cling on if they need some support...but if you do that it may look like you don't care when you really really do. It's such an awful situation for both the person who needs cheering up and the person trying to cheer them up.

On a brighter note, I've almost finished my coursework. Yes, because school is a happy topic. All I've got to do now is finish painting my graphics, make a box for it, make a rule-book, finish off section D in business and complete section E. Oh, did I mention I only have roughly 2 weeks to do that in? On top of that I have to revise for all my other subjects, sort out Easter Revision, keep the house tidy to help mum out and finish off a friend's birthday present. Oh joyful days.

Only a few months left, just a few to go. Then it's over, just college to get through but that'll be fine. I won't have to mix with the people I don't like to mix with at school. Five years is quite enough, sorry guys. Oh and anyone reading thing who thinks it might be them, it isn't, trust me on that. The people I don't like are too cool to read my blog.

This is such a small blog for today. I have an urge to write one more word: FireFox.

I Used To Think Maybe You Liked Me

2009-03-13T18:02:00.005Z

Uh-oh, I'm in trouble. I abandoned my blog. Not on purpose, I've just be weighed down with things at the moment and blog updates just slipped my mind. Y'know how things just pile up and leave you completely swamped and you just can't keep everything in your brain and when you try to you end up getting a headache? Or migraine? It's not pleasant and it hurts. Nevermind, after this month everything will begin to float away and I can concentrate in more important things. Such as the sun and how I'm going to end up spending my EMA in the new academic year.

Really to get all cringey-deep-and-meaningful-but-truthful-at-the-same-time? I know I am. I've been watching the sky a lot more lately. I love it so much, I think it's my favourite part of nature and well probably the world. It's so pretty and different, you couldn't replicate it. Not probably anyway. It's always changing and moving and causing all sorts of problems but it doesn't mean to. It's just doing it's job.

Don't you love those mornings when everything is really crisp, fresh and bubbly. If you look carefully you can see all the separate different aspects of the leaves and trees and most of all, the sky. You can see everything really clearly and it's so beautiful.

Back to the sky, I love how it changes colour. All the blues, purple and turquoises and then to reds, pinks and bright oranges. Sometimes it's black with shining stars of silver but at other times it's pure white and looks like it needs colouring in. If I could colour the sky, I'd keep it bright blue just like in the summer when it's always blue. It makes people feels happy because there's no dark clouds to ruin the pretty sky. I really do love it.

I was surpised to see when I logged on that I had 2 followers. I mean, I know them but it makes me feel all warm and bubbly because people are actually reading this silly little thing. I'm so sorry I adandoned you little blog. I won't do it again.

I ripped out all of my old diary entries from months ago a couple of days ago. I've still got them; hidden in a draw so nobody else reads them. I think it's hilarious to read them back. I'm not going to destroy them as it's how I felt at the time but still, they are funny.

Happy Red Nose Day everyone.

How Did it Come to This

2009-02-14T13:15:00.002Z

My shift button is broken; well, one of them any way. And it happens to be the one I use mostly - annoying, oui.

Moving on, Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you have a beautiful day whatever you do. :) Hopefully it won't be as lonely as mine - I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. For once Val's Day is on a Saturday and guess what I'm doing? Yup, that's right, staying inside all day even though it's a lovely sunny day outside. Ah well. Nevermind!

Hang on, I did do something today. I ordered a Nintendo DS, Pokemon Pearl and Animal Crossing! All paid for with my own money. My first ever 'big' purchase. Yay! I'm so proud!

Wow, this whole shift-button-not-working thing is really quite annoying. I'm so used to pressing it that it puts my typing speed way down. Pah.

Y'know, I don't have a lot to say, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day. Have a great day!

I Just Can't Look It's Killing Me

2009-02-10T17:02:00.002Z

I'm going to complain now. Lots. So deal with it.

Does it ever annoy you when you find something really cool and that you love, say for example a book, and you think that no-one else will really read that one book because well, you just don't expect them to. But then jump forward a couple of months and that book is now a film and comes with a million fan girls screaming at the mere sight of one of the characters. Yeah, it's so stupid.

Twilight has been completely ruined for me because of that exact reason. Sure, at first I loved it like any new reader will. But when I read it, it wasn't nearly as popular as it is now. Admittedly, I definitely wasn't the first to read it but definitely one of the older readers. But now, all you get when you mention Twilight is fan girls screaming things like, "OMGBITEMEEDWARDCULLENBITEME!" or "OMGZMRSCULLENANDDON'TYOUFORGETIT". It annoys be so much. When will they calm down? He's fictional. Grow up.

Okay, okay, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite seeing as I am possibly in love with Ron Weasley but I'm not constantly going on about how amazing he is now am I? Yeah, I have a bit of an addiction but I don't exactly get hysterical every second Hazz Pott is mentioned.

So thank you all of you Twilight fan girls. Thank you for ruining a book for me. Thank you for making me despise an amazing story all because of your screaming and childish fascination. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.

Let's move on from that depressing topic. It's my mum's birthday today. Happy birthday mum! We're going out tonight to celebrate and whatnot. Oh I love birthdays, they're so happy-making. I feel really guilty though because I made her a really rubbish card. I know, I know, handmade cards are nice and all but when they look like something pulled out of the bin, yeah, not so good. And I already know she'll say she likes it but written over her face will be, "Good grief, what the hell is this?". Hopefully her present will sort of make up for it. I hope.

Speaking of cards, I still need to make my Valentine's Cards. I don't understand how people think Valentine's Day is pointless. Sure, it is commercialised and sometimes over-rated and yeah, you should really show your love to the one you care about the most everyday but it's such a lovely tradition. It gives others an excuse to be all gooey and bubbly just because they can get away with it. It gives you a chance to do something out of the ordinary if you are usually a quite person and want to show how much you care about someone. Honestly, I love Valentine's Day. It's adorable. And no, I've never had a proper Valentine but who cares? You don't need one to be happy on the 14th. Just keep smiley everyone, it's a beautiful day.

Stop, Stall and Make a Name For Yourself

2009-02-08T11:42:00.002Z

So I finally caved in. I went against all negative things I've been saying about it and finally joined Twitter. How sad am I? I used to think that I didn't want to join it because "everyone joins it". Well, yes, well done woman. But now I've fallen down from that high chair of mine and joined in with everyone. I've never exactly been unique so why start now, eh? Twitter could be fun; I once joined Plurk but it was crappy.

Whoa, I've only been on Twitter for 5 minutes and I've already got 2 followers. A little odd, don't you think? But then again, one is following around 500 others and the other is following over 100 so at least I'm not the only one being stalked.

It's nearly Valentine's Day! In just 6 days the whole world will be loved up. I adore Val's Day, it's so bubbly and happy-making. And to be honest, it really doesn't matter if you don't have another half to share it with, you still have friends right? Sure, it probably is a lot more fun with a partner but hey ho, what cha' gonna do? I really need to start making my cards soon - I'm making a load of my friends, just to show I love them. :)

Speaking of making things, I'm in such a creative mood lately. I bought canvas' and paint yesterday and started painting just because I felt like it. It was lovely! It's really relaxing so long as you know what you want to paint.

Oh! Another thing, I've recently found out the name of the cute Japanese drawings I seem to fall upon whilst browsing dA: kawaii! Go search it, they're adorable. ^.^ Although, I'm not sure how to pronounce it. Is it "Hawaii" but with a "k" or something else? If you know, please enlighten me.

So, I'm going to go paint some more. To sum up, please add me on Twitter and let's chat. :)

Have a lovely rest-of-weekend everyone.

Came To My Show Just To Hear About My Day

2009-02-03T19:54:00.002Z

In Bournemouth and other sunny, beachy, touristy places we hardly get snow. When we do it's usually really light and never settles. But not this time. We've had snow for two days! And it settled! We even had a snow day today for school - it's crazy! Who'd have thought I'd ever get a snow day?

So what did I do on my first (and possibly only) snow day? Well I played in the snow of course. And okay, it was only out in my back garden with my puppy but still. I made a snowman, he had a lopsided head and dodgy eyes but he was mine. I was invited to go for a snowball fight but...I had to dog sit.

(um) Madam Bipper. says:
Yes, I sat on my dog all day because it was a snow day

Oh how I love deranged conversations on msn.

Hopefully there'll be another day off school tomorrow because of the 'dangerous' roads. I doubt it but it would be good if it was. More time to catch up on sleep and get rid of these unsightly bags under my eyes.

Oh stop complaining woman.

Y'know, I've finally decided how I'm going to change. I'm going to be happier. I'm not going to draw attention to myself by acting all moody. No, instead I'm going to detatch myself from pessimistic people and be more optimistic. Look on the bright side of life. Follow in my fairy godmother's footsteps as it were.

Exercise more too, that's what I need to do. Recently I've been feeling a little...how can I put it..."anorexic"? Meaning I've been eating less then I should in the hope that I'll lose some weight. What I really should have been doing of course is eating healthily and exercising. I do know this, it's just difficult to trick my mind out of the thoughts it's tangled in at the moment. I will eventually but it might take a little time.

Moving on from that horrible topic, did you know that it's mine and Sammy's unbirthday's today? We're going to celebrate soon. Eat cake, drink tea and then pretend we're healthy by eating carrot sticks when we feel like it. Yay for unbirthdays! Happy unbirthday to you too if it happens to be your unbirthday. It most likely is so happy unbirthday to you. Have a wondrous day!

Which for some reason reminds me, I need to make Valentine's cards soon. Yeah, I'm making multiple because I'm a hooker in real life.

No, I'm only kidding! Don't worry! They're for my friends just because I appreciate how much they've done for me over the years.

"Oh sure, your 'friends'."

Don't believe me? Well you don't get one then do you smelly moo.

You Can Only Blame Your Problems On The World For So Long

2009-02-01T17:12:00.002Z

Isn't it strange how you find you can relate to songs so easily? For example, the song The (Shipped) Gold Standard by Fall Out Boy is the song I find I keep relating my life to. One of the lines is "I want to scream 'I love you' from the top of my lungs, but I'm afraid someone else will hear me." Every time I hear that I can just hear myself saying, "yeah, same."

Ugh. Stop being a girl.

Back to the usual ranting? Okay.
"You can only blame your problems on the world for so long". So basically, I need to stop. It just makes things depressing.

Complete change of topic now. You know what I think should come back into fashion? Words such as 'ace' and 'grand'. They're such brilliant words, why should we leave them to rot? And you know what else, if my blog was as popular as Perez Hilton's or someone of that sort, people would be using ace and grand all over the world as soon as I hit send. It's not going to happen but it's nice to think about how much influence people can have. Then again, I can guarantee that I would abuse the privilege just to get my own way. Watch out world, Bippie's taking over.

Oh stop day dreaming you fool.

Moving on, I have a question for everyone who reads this. If anyone.
If you could go back 10 years to 1999 and talk to yourself, what 10 things would you say to yourself? Now, don't go starting about how time travel is impossible/you can change anything/"Have you not seen Back to the Future!?". Firstly, yes I have seen Back to the Future and I love it, secondly, imagine it's just a warning not something to change the rest of your life. Kind of...

Want to know my 10 things?

Don't give up the violin, you'll just regret it.
The summer of 2006 is going to be very difficult for you but don't give up, you'll become a stronger person because of it.
You're not emo, get over yourself.
Stop biting your nails!
You will get more confident, don't worry.
Learn to read tabs so when you start to learn ukulele it'll be easier.
Don't get too upset about Busted breaking up. Yes it's sad but don't cry; you'll still have McFly.
Look after your skin, spots suck you just don't know it yet.
What ever you do, do not get your hair cut into a bob. It makes your face look fat and really doesn't suit you, no matter what your friends say.
Don't give away your Pokemon cards in year 4, again you'll just end up regretting it.

So what are your ten things? Please comment, I'd love to hear them.

Let's Have Some FUn This Beat Is Sick

2009-01-29T17:41:00.007Z

So it's official, this blog is just a place that I can vent about stupid teenage things. But hey, I don't care.

I don't care what you think,
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery

Yeah, Fall Out Boy. I'm rather loving their newish album Folie a Deux. But that's not the reason I'm blogging today.

I'm here to complain, again. Don't you hate it when you try really hard to look half-decent but when you turn up to where you're meeting everyone, they all look so much better then you? This might just be a girl thing seeing as we seem to have that whole "oh my god you're totally wearing the same thing as me" issue but you get what I mean.

Now I'm not saying that it's a crime for everyone to look amazing because let's be honest, it's quite nice to know you're accepted in a group that looks that good. But when you've tried your best to look good and no-one notices, it is a bit of a let down. Especially when there's a camera about and people are snapping photos. Great, not only do you feel like the ugly duckling compared to the people around you but now there's photo evidence of this heinous day.

Am I being incredibly shallow? I know I am. I can tell. I apologise for the "cringe worthy" blogging but this has happened to me so many times that it's hard to keep it in.

You know what else is one of the most awful put-downs ever? When you think of something that to you is quite brilliant but as soon as you tell someone they laugh. Can't they see the greatness behind it? Or when you have a test in school and as your marking it, the teacher tells you that your answer is a "stupid answer, why the hell did you write that?" It's so embarrassing and the way they say it makes you feel about 2mm tall.

Great, now I'm all depressed. How about we think about something more interesting then my pet peeves? How about that fact that I managed to get 3 tops for under £13? Pretty good I'd say.

Ugh, this has been such a girly blog. Let's stop here before I make your eyes bleed.

I Got Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

2009-01-27T20:19:00.002Z

Sick days; I hate them. They're so dull but you can't do anything about it as you feel to ill to do anything and can't summon the energy to. It sucks. Even more so when you realise that you have left over homework to do of the maths variety and you can't remember how to do the work. No matter how many times you look back at your old work from earlier lessons, you still don't understand. And then you find out you have double maths the next day. Oh life can be cruel.

I've been feeling so low lately; and not just because I'm not feeling 100%. I seem to have really low self-esteem for no reason at all. I mean, it's not like I have a bad life or anything, I'm not really enjoying it at the moment. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've become obsessed with changing but can't actually figure out how to. There are a few options I've thought of but have had to cross them off my list as they wouldn't be "suitable". Want me to run through a couple?

Dye my hair - a change in my hair colour could suddenly boost some confident and personality out of me. It might propel me into the type of person I want to be and sort everything out. On the other hand, last time I had a colour test I was allergic so I wouldn't even be able to dye it.
Lose weight - not a whole load, just a little bit so I would get the type of figure that everyone has on 90210. Personally, I'd love to look like that. Everyone says it's disgusting and no-one should look like that but deep down, I bet they would love to have a body like anyone on that TV show. But, know the people I know, they'll all just get angry at me for even thinking that. Sorry if I don't eat at school by the way, "I don't like eating at school."
Change my 'look'. But to do this I would have to buy new clothes, new make-up, new everything. And true that's exactly what I want but sadly, I don't have the money or the guts to revamp myself in such a short time. And I don't think many people would appreciate me changing what I am. They'll think I'm fake and a total loser and nobody want that.

So yeah, basically I'm screwed. I want to change, I really do, but I have no idea how to. I'm so desperate I've even looked on Wiki-How to see what kind of things other people do to change. But to be honest, it wasn't very helpful. Most of the time it was things like "Buy different clothes", "Change your hairstyle" or "See different people". Is it too much to ask to be able to completely change myself without upsetting or losing the people I hang out with?

Perhaps this whole saga goes down to the fact that it's January and a lot of people get what;s called "January Blues". I think it's just that. Oh yay, shoved back into the "toned down and normal" category of life. Isn't it fun!?

My answer: no. Definitely not fun.

Sleeping Through the Day 'Cause I Work All Night

2009-01-24T10:26:00.002Z

I've finally found out what I'm terrified of; and it's the most stupid thing ever. Losing my Internet connection petrifies me. I couldn't keep up with all the thing I usually do; YouTube, bebo, myspace, blogger, deviant ART. It was awful.

Y'know what's even more sad? It made me realise that I spend my Friday nights on the computer waiting for people to come online. How awful is that? It's certainly no life. But this Friday was slightly different seeing as I had no Internet, instead I did homework. On a Friday night. On my own. But wait for it, not only did I do homework, I also did Graphics coursework! Now that's what you call geek.

Oh look, I managed to turn this blog into yet another complaining post. I'm so British, all I seem to do is complain. REALLY time for a change now. It's shocking.

Oh! News! I'm getting my ears pierced today. I asked my friend to hold my hand seeing as when I got them pierced the first time when I was about 7 I almost passed out. What fun. I think it's a bit silly how I'm getting my ears pierced at sixteen when some people I know are talking about getting tattoos for their birthday or stretching their ears to 16mm or telling tongue piercings. But no, I get my ears pierced at sixteen. Nothing too adventurous for me, I'm not cool enough for that yet.

I really hope I don't throw up or pass out today. That would just ruin my day.

I Cast a Spell Over the West to Make You Think of Me

2009-01-22T17:18:00.003Z

I haven't had Internet connection for a day and I almost died. Does that make me a bad person or just addicted? Perhaps I need help. Y'know, it's probably just a seasonal thing. Winter can be increasingly boring and so without the Internet there's not a lot to do. It seems nowadays everything revolves around it.

I could have cried today in drama. We were told our grades for our coursework (that I performed on Tuesday) and turns out I got an A*. But what shocked me more was the fact that I got 98%. I never get that high a score. In fact, I think that's the highest grade I've ever got for anything. I'm still in shock. At lunch, I wanted to know what other people got just to make conversation but honestly didn't realise that it would sound boastful when I told them my score. Seriously, I didn't mean to sound as if I was better then anyone, I was just amazed and speechless that I got 98%. Like I said, I never get that.

Something else that happened today was during our mini-lesson that we have during lunch. Year 11 had an assembly about what the next few months were going to be like and Mr Hunt who was taking the assembly began talking about change. The whole way through I found myself agreeing with him. He kept saying things like "You have to change the way you do things to get different results" and I just thought "Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do". He was also going on about how we've changed over the years throughout our "school life". He asked us to think back to year 2, year 5, year 9 and so on. I couldn't help being reminded of how I was in year 8/9. It was horrendous. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I was such a greeb. How on earth did I think wearing my brother's hand-me-down hoodie and black skinnies could possibly make me interesting? I was incredibly fake and tried to fit in so much that it was just embarrassing. I wish now that someone had just taken me by the shoulders, shaken me and shouted "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" What a fool I was!

Things have changed now. I still see all the people I used to hang around with but to be honest, I'm glad I do. We can all laugh and cringe about how we were without explaining too much. We were all the same so none of us can complain. We're all such different people nowadays. I'm so happy I changed from what I was, but oddly, I still want to change. Does that make sense?

I Need You To Know That We'll Be Okay

2009-01-18T20:44:00.005Z

Photoshop is one of my favourite applications. In fact, I think it is my favourite. I would crumple to pieces without it. However, recently I found something quite frightening that you can do with Photoshop. Something that all the magazines do to make the celebrities pretty. Something the gossip columns use to make their gossip worth while. Want to know what I found? I found out how to make you skinny. As in, really skinny. Anorexic skinny.

I edited a photo of mine that I took a while ago. Please bear in mind that I don't actually want to look like the edited image. I'm just proving a point over how much images can be edited to make you believe in something that isn't real. You ready? Okay, let's go:

Above is the original, unedited version. I'm not being cocky but I think I look quite healthy in this photo. I'm not over/underweight so not exactly green. So let's see what can be achieved with a little photoshop magic:

Now, if you think this look healthym you need your eyes checked. It's frighteningly thin. Fair enough if you are naturally thin but when you force yourself to be thin, that's not nice.

Scary stuff, huh?

Why Do You Look At Me That Way?

2009-01-18T14:30:00.005Z

Sorry for the lack of updates. I just spent the last weekend in Brighton visiting the famfam and shopping. I love shopping in Brighton. There's so many different shops and people and the uniqueness of the whole this is really refreshing compared to all the chain shops you find in Bournemouth. The same H&M, the same TopShop, the same HMV. It's sickening. Whereas in Brighton you can take a trip down the Lanes or Bond Street and everything is just brilliant. I'm seriously thinking of moving back there when I'm old enough; just to get me out of Bournemouth and start again.

But before any of that can happen, I have college. And guess what? I got accepted on Friday to go to Brockenhurst! Whoop! I'll be studying Graphic Design, Media, Film and General Studies. I really can't wait. I'm so sick of school it's becoming unbearable. It's definitely time for something new. The great thing about Brock is that it's right in the middle of the forest. Sure, by the second month of being there I'll be sick of that too but who cares? It's right in the heart of the New Forest with friggin' ponies walking around the high street. I mean, c'mon, how cool is that!?

Whilst I was in Brighton I met up with one of my old friends. I haven't seen her in about 9 months which is crazy. I was surprised how much both of us seemed to have changed over the months. She's a year older then me but we never noticed it before. But now I sort of realised how much of a college girl she is. It's brilliant, she seems so happy! She hasn't changed so much that she's unrecognisable but you can tell she's changed.

I really want to redecorate my room soon. Perhaps not completely redecorate but repaint it. It's purple at the moment but because my room gets a lot of sun the paints sort of faded. I was thinking of painting it bright green or orange. I had it orange before and it was really nice. Well, I thought it was, my mother wasn't to pleased I don't think. Perhaps I'll go for yellow instead? I'm rather fond of yellow. It's such a happy colour. What'd'you think? Comment!

I'm Gonna Burn It Down, Down, Down.

2009-01-15T19:07:00.005Z

"At least you can relax now...sometime without exams."

I totally agree with the above statement! I finished my two exams that I had this week: business and science (chemistry). I failed epically at both I think. I figured I was more stressed about my mocks that I had a few weeks ago then these "real" exams. Silly, isn't it?

I have my college interview tomorrow - how exciting! Plus that means a day off school. There's not really much point going in if a) I've already done all my exams and b) I would have to leave at 10am anyway. Moving on, yay college! I went to the opening evening again yesterday and I can't wait to go. I'm so sick of school it's becoming unbearable. There's so many silly rules. For example; no eating in corridors, no hot drinks, etc. Pointless.

I'm sick of talking about school. Let's play a game. A game where we let our minds make up stories and distant lands. I do this when I can't sleep; make up my own land. I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you have to decided the answers. But none of them can be the same as how the earth is now. If that makes sense. You'll understand soon enough. I'll answer the questions with my answers as we go.

What colour's the sky?
Orange with streaks of pink clouds; the kind you get when the sun's setting and you know that tomorrow is going to be a lovely day.

What kind of land is it?
Fields. Lots of open fields with the perfectly green grass. But no mud. Mud ruins it. It's all gorgeous bright green grass with red and white picnic blankets scattered here and there.

Who lives in this land?
Me of course. And people I like. People that care. People that smile. People who don't talk about sex 24/7. People who keep people laughing. People that don't complain and appreciate what they have.

What's the weather like?
Warm; always warm. The sun shines but there's places of shade. Trees cast long shadows on the grass for people to sit.

What's there to eat and drink?
Anything you want. At the moment there are mountains of chocolate digestives and hot pockets. Kegs of not beer but tea. Hot tea made from Twinnings.

Is there t.v.? If so what programs are on?
Of course there's t.v. - and Stephen Fry presents the good episodes of QI along with Alan Davis. Nevermind the Buzzcocks is on in the afternoons and in the mornings, Whose Line is it Anyway previews. Scrubs can be caught at midday.

Where do people live?
In clouds or, if there's groups of people, in mansions in which every room holds at least one dressing-up box. If you want a holiday, go camping.

What do people wear?
Theatre clothes. Top hats and tailcoats. Masks and dresses. Shorts and waistcoats. Anything so long as they're comfortable.

When it rains, what does it rain?
It hardly ever rains but when it does, purple rain splashed down on people's cheekbones. People dance and sing in the rain. It's a happy time, not one to run inside and cry that your hair is going to frizz.

Anything paranormal?
There are no vampires here. Or wizards. Or unicorns. But there are ghosts. Ghosts that aren't your usual Casper. Ghosts that are troubled but find a happy place in my wonderland.

Did you make you own land? Was it fun? Do you like your land or just find this a waste of time? If it's a waste of time, why did you read it? Fools.

I think it's time to stop daydreaming. I've been in my own mind for the past week. It's time to climb back down again.

But I don't want to. I want to wander around in my wonderland. I want to dance in the purple rain and smile and laugh along with Ryan Stiles. I want to go camping and sit in the long shadows.

Take me away? Take me away to that wonderful place.

Hate Is A Strong Word But...

2009-01-13T20:32:00.002Z

Business exams suck. It would be so much better if they could take the highest score between your real and your mock exams. That way I could get an A* instead of the horrible D I'm going to get. Not saying that a D is a bad grade, I mean it could be worse. But when your predicted something higher, it's not too good. Why the hell did I choose Business as an option!? Bleugh.

Other then that, I have nothing to write about. :(
How about a myspace survey instead?

1.

Would you date someone who smokes?
Really doesn't bother me so long as they don't try to make me smoke.

2.

Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
Depends what drug? Caffine? Sure. Cocaine? Maybe not.

3.

Would you date the same sex?
Probably not :/ I'm not homophobic, just straight. ^.^

4.

Whats your biggest turn off?
Self-centred people. Or someone who was my complete opposite or complete double.

5.

Whats your biggest turn on, physically?
A really nice smile. :)

6.

Where would you go on the first date?
Rock climbing!

7.

Most hurtful relationship?
I haven't had a hurtful relationship...

8.

Ever regretted breaking up with someone?
I've never actually broken up with someone...

9.

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
Nopey.

10.

Do you miss any of your exes?
Not really. :)

11.

Whats your biggest turn on, NOT physically?
A sense of humor and being spontaneous are high up on that list. Along with general friendliness.

12.

Are you single now?
Single as the last unbroken crayon.

13.

What is the sweetest thing someone you dated did for you?
:| I don't know.

14.

Last time you got flowers?
Yeah, never. Valentine's Day anyone? ^.^

15.

Are you ready to get into a serious relationship right now?
No thank you! Not for a few years yet.

16.

Do you like cuddling?
Yeah! But I can't stand the word, makes me feel ill.

17.

Do you hold grudges?
Sometimes? But only for a few minutes.

18.

Do you regret dating anyone?
Nope. "Never regret something that once made you smile" and all the silly other stuff.

19.

Hugs or kisses?
Both.

20.

Missing someone?
Not at all. :)

21.

Most important lesson you have learned from dating?
Haha. Laugh more.

22.

What does it take to get you on a date?
A compliment and a smile.

23.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Surely that would depend how your relationship was going? But atm, single's okay I guess.
Ha. Don't believe me. Being single sucks, everyone knows that.

24.

Whats the most important thing in a relationship?
Communication! And actually liking the other person.

25. What would make you break up with someone...no questions asked?
Cheating.

26.

Have you ever loved someone who did not love you back?
Everyone has surely? So yeah. I have.

27.

Favorite ex?
SUCH a
stupid question. How can you have favourites over ex's!?

28.

How important are looks?
Everyone says they're not important but I'm going to say the truth. They very important. To everyone. Hate to break it to you but the first thing you notice in a person is the way they look; unless of course you're blind...
Moving on, if you think someone is freakishly good looking, you're going to be more likely to talk to them. There's nothing wrong with that so long as you don't go judging everyone straight away just over their looks. It's human nature to want to be around people who look good because it makes you feel good about yourself. So yeah, looks do count but only to a point.

29.

How do you know when you are in love?
Butterflies? The earth turns upside down? The sky rains those little candy hearts? Yeah, I have no idea.

30.

Do you consider yourself shy?
Haha, yeah. Around someone I like I am.

31.

Would you rather date someone who was SUPER-hot or someone who was SUPER-nice?
Both? Not at the same time but as one person?

32.

If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?
I don't know, I've never been in love. Probably? Maybe? Only one way to find out.

33.

Have you ever been ashamed of anyone you were dating?
Noo. If I was I wouldn't have agreed to go out with them.

34.

Do you currently want to date?
Yes please.

35.

Thing that made you the happiest today?
If I wrote the real answer it'll scare you away. So let's just go with the second best: Graphics lesson!

36.

Would you ever date anyone your parents disapproved of?
Yeah, I just wouldn't get them to meet. ^.^

37.

Do you stay friends with the people you date?
Urgh. difficult one.
Wish I could.

38.

Favorite memories?
On dating or in general?
Dating: being asked out for the first time.
Generally: having laughing fits with people.

39.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
Naah. Too much effort. Sorry. I'll move on.

40.

Do you kiss on the 1st date?
That would depend pn how much I liked them. :)

41.

Would you date someone A LOT older or younger than you?
No thanks. A couple of years maybe but not a lot older.

42.

Have you ever been lied to?
Everyone has.

43.

Ever been cheated on?
I really hope not. :/

44.

Do you think the word love is overused?
Nah. Love is a lovely thing.

45.

Ever been called a whore?
Maybe? I don't know.

Wasn't that fun? Now I feel sick. Great one.

That's Not The Way I Want My Story To End

2009-01-11T16:04:00.002Z

Warning: This post is not for the weak-stomach.

Firstly, that party I was talking about last time was brilliant. Much larking around and such. Twas a bit of a goodun'. That was until some point past midnight when we were all upstairs tucked into our make-shift beds slowly falling asleep one by one. Everything was perfectly fine until I heard the person next to me (I won't name names, that's harsh) suddenly gags. I opened my eyes to be greeted with splat on the side of my face. Yup, she'd been sick on me. Now, if you've never been puked up on, I don't recommend it. Half my face and part of my hair stunk of God know what and better yet, the bedding between us was covered in the rest of it. Strangely, the sick included whole - yes whole - peas. When questioned about it, the culprit explained that she doesn't chew peas. Very odd.

If feel so sorry for the poor friend of mine who was ill. It's awful throwing up at someone's house. Se felt so guilty bless her, although there wasn't a lot she could do at the time. I mean, you don't really plan to be sick, do you? Well, not in this case anyway. I feel bad for the people who had to clean it up too! Whilst I was in the bathroom washing off, a few people had gathered the remains of the bedding and when I came out again I found one person feeling ill themselves as they had to sit holding a wrapped up duvet and if they let go it would have gone everywhere.

You have to admit though, it was quite an eventful night. And even though at the time I was repulsed, thinking back it is actually very funny. Projectile vomited on by someone who had had too much to drink and doesn't chew their peas. Yummy.

Oh, and one last word from the culprit:
"You don't even know Steve!"

Let's Go Crazy, Oh No Let's Go.

2009-01-09T22:11:00.002Z

My uke's out of tune and it depresses me that my brother's lost his tuner. I'm going have have to wait until a) I go to numbers to get it tuned or b) Ted finds his tuner. It's so annoying because I want to show that I can actually play the uke and I'm not just talk. Blah. Oh dear, I'm complaining again...sorry.

On a brighter note, I have a party tomorrow! Happy Birthday Sophie (who's birthday was on Wednesday). Oh my lord, that reminds me, Sophie's house! It's incredible. All the rooms have really high ceilings and the rooms themselves are massive. Her whole house is just so homely and pretty. AND what I find the coolest part, she actually has a dressing up box. It's just one of those things that are always talked about but no-one seems to have but she does! It's such a Sophie-thing. -Big grin in Sophie's direction-

I have a question for anyone who read this blog of mine; if you could change your first name to anything, what would you change it to? Comment in the tag box. I've been asked this twice this week: once from my mum and once from Holly. I honestly have no idea what I would change mine to. Probably something like Isabelle or Kaitlin; something that couldn't be confused with anything else but can also be shortened. For example people often mix up my name with "Britney" when it's actually "Brittany". I don't mind, I just find it a bit silly. But honestly, if I had the choice I wouldn't change my name. I'd just start introducing myself with one of my nicknames. People would soon catch on.

I'm thinking of decorating one of my walls with a load of postcards, tickets and photos to make my room look a little more interesting. The thing is, I don't want it to look all messy. But then if it did look messy I could always take it all down again. I don't know, maybe I'll do it on Sunday.

Take These Words I Spill onto this Page

2009-01-08T21:18:00.002Z

I've managed to learn (roughly) two songs on my uke now! If I could sing I'd record them for people to hear but seeing as I can't it's not going to happen. But if you happen to pass my path one day and I have a uke in hand, feel free to ask me to play something. I'd be honored so long as you don't laugh at my failing voice and spikey uke playing.

I have so much revision to do I feel like it's eating me. I only have two exams to do but c'mon! It takes so much effort to do revision - or any work for that matter - right after the Christmas holidays. Sure, I'd prefer to take some of the exam load off for June by doing some of them in January but it's still...January!? You would have thought they would realize that no-one wants to do anything after Christmas for at least 2 -3 months.

I've noticed how my blog has slowly become just a place to let of steam. I'm sorry about that, it can't be very interesting listening to some random teenager from the UK blab on about how boring and horrible her life is and how she wants to change so badly. I'd say "I'll make it up to you by stopping all that rubbish" but it would be a lie. Sorry, my blog, my rules.

Oh I sound like such a spoilt brat when I say things like that. I am really sorry for all my pointless blabbing over pointless things. I would try to stop but it's too addictive to talk about...well let's face it...myself. What a heartless, self-absorbed little whats-it I am. Sorry sorry sorry. It's late and I'm getting cranky.

Excuses excuses.

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport

2009-01-07T20:25:00.002Z

Today I'm actually quite proud of myself. I'm back at the gym with the school so I can start toning up again and also - get ready for it - I can officially play a song on the ukulele! The song's "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" by Rolf Harris. Not my usual song of choice but seeing as it only have 3 chords to play I figured it would be an easy one to start with. And it was! I'm so happy I've actually managed to learn a song all by myself! I'm not exactly the most musical person so this is quite an achievement. My next challenge: "Keep Fishin" by Weezer. Wish me luck?

I haven't really got a lot to blog about today other then that so I'll keep it short and leave you with this:

Exlax :P :
Ohh yeess - we did colouring and everything!

Dr. Everything-Will-Be-Alright :
Awwh. ^.^

Exlax :P :
And danced around to ABBA but let's not go there.

Pet Peeves and Stomach Cramps

2009-01-06T22:04:00.003Z

Stomach cramps hurt so much. You'd think that by have a lovely hot bath that would get better but no, they're just worse now. Paain. Make it go away!?

Now that we've got a new dog, my mum & step dad are like new parents. They're so stressed that something would be done exactly how they do it that they tell everyone step-by-step how to feed, stroke, pet, etc. the poor pup. I was on dog-sitting duty this afternoon and to be honest it's really simple. You wait until he wakes up, take him outside for a poop, play with him for a bit and then put him back to bed. Now, seeing as I've never had a dog before, John (my step dad) thought I wouldn't have a clue what to do but c'mon, everyone knows that if it's dark outside it's easier to put a light on outside to see what's going on. Urgh, annoys me so much when people think you won't know how to do something when it's obviously easy.

^ My puppy ^

Another pet peeve of mine is when you're having an absolutely amazing dream but your alarm goes off just as you get to the best part. It's so frustrating because you know you'll never have the same dream again because it was so good. It's like if you forget to watch a certain t.v. show - for example the final of a series - and you also forget to record it so you have no way of watching it because none of your friends watch the same program and there's only parts of it on the Internet; it's such a let down.

Moving on from pet peeves now. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Time to tone up after Christmas. I go to the gym of Wednesdays or Fridays and go running on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays starting tomorrow. I'll be in shape in no time...hopefully...

I Just Need a Compass and a Willing Accomplice

2009-01-05T17:43:00.003Z

It surprises me when I find out people actually read what I write or watch what I vlog. I don't really expect it. I mean sure, I want people to read what I have to say and perhaps reply every so often but when someone I know tells me they like my blog I almost have a heart attack. Seeing as most the people I know don't blog/vlog, I didn't expect anyone to take any notice of the URL in my pm on MSN but someone did and for that thank you; it made my day.

Did I mention that I got a puppy on Saturday? An Irish wolfhound. Yeah, he's gonna be a biggun. His name's Whizz and my mum only realised after we'd named him that it was slang for Speed or Cocaine. Ha-ha. I found it quite hilarious seeing as my dear mother's quite against all of that. Oh well.

A downside of having a new pet: I now smell of dog. I have to keep changing my clothes say I can't stand the smell. It's not his fault, he's just a puppy after all but I notice and I'm really not used to it. Also my cats are really jealous of him getting all the attention. I have to keep making sure I make extra effort to hug them or give them that little bit of extra attention.

"Dr Everything-Will-Be-Alright. says:
Exactly XD It's so silly: I'm planning to be spontaneous"

I'm such an idiot. How can I possibly change if I plan to? If I want to become this person I dream of I'm not supposed to plan but it's in my nature. I need someone to take the lead for once but someone who will get things done. My ego's creeping out again. Want to know a secret? I often find it hard to let people take over as I prefer to do things myself. Say for example I'm working in a group of people; I get worried that whoever is "Team Leader" will forget to do something so I remind them constantly. I stress that if I don't tell them, we'll fail. But I never offer to be "Leader". I'm so self-centred and stressed that I freak out over the simplest things. I'd rather do the work by myself then have to work in a group. I'm not saying I can't work in a group, I can. I just find it easier to work individually. Now that's what you call ego. Sickening, isn't it?

How did we get so mean?

2009-01-04T19:25:00.002Z

Do you ever wish you could be someone completely different? Maybe because you don't like your appearance or your voice or you taste in music. Maybe the person you want to be is, in your opinion, perfect. A shiny star in a dull, cloudy night, the patch of green in a dead field, the kiss at the end of a letter, a smile when you're feeling low. You get what I mean.

I want to be different. I'm sick of the label I've managed to stick onto myself. I tired of people knowing exactly what to expect when they talk to me or meet me. People realising straight away the type of person I am. I wish I could go right back to before it all started and begin again. I'd change things; I'd make decisions for myself not let other people influence me. I'd laugh along rather then feeling embarrassed and I'd erase summer 2006 completely. That was such an awful time.

But then if I did that I wouldn't know the people I know now. I'd be some freaky girl who doesn't speak. Someone stuck in the same place with no choice which the way her life is going. But isn't that exactly how I feel now? Stuck as a stereotype with no choice.

I'm going to change and I don't want anyone to hold me back. I want to be pushed head first into a new me. A new start. College is too far away to wait for it to change me. I have to start now. Good bye old self, hello new person. Anyone willing to help? I need people to rely on, to help me on my way. Someone to say "Yeah, okay, great idea" not "You're insane, why do you want to change, I like you how you are!".

That’s part of the problem. People don't like change. I welcome it with open arms. Any change is good - even when it's bad. A break-up or a death, they change you. But you move on. I want a lot of change, a massive one. One that's unstoppable and alters everything. I want everything to change. Not everyone, just everything. New ideas, new laughs, new people. New and different and fun.

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-03T23:01:00.002Z

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you had a wonderful last few days of 2008 and let's hope 2009 is even better then last year, eh?

I've finally decided on my New Year's Resolution; even if it is a bit late - it beeing the 3rd of January and all. I've decided I want a change. I change in myself. I want to be more spontaneous and fun. I hate how at the moment I plan everything. I go through every detail to make sure it's all a-okay and analyse the parts I'm not too sure on. For example; the other day I had to get the bus to my friend's house and I'd never caught the bus to over where she lives before. Because of this I had my mum pront out a list of bus times for me so I would know when I had to be at the bus stop. I asked 3 different people which bus stop I had to go from - just to make sure I had the right one. And even when the bus did turn up I had to ask the driver if it went to where I wanted to go. Perhaps I have a little bit of OCD? I'm not sure. But one think I do know is that I'm going to try to stop. I want to be able to do something without planning every detail. I want to go somewhere just for the hell of it; not because I have to. I want people to realise that I am changing for the better and that I'm not some boring 16-going-on-47 year old who has to make sure everything is perfect before I even think of doing something.

When I saw my dad a few days ago, he said I was getting old too quickly because I told him I liked Michael Buble. Now I think he might be right; I'm growing old before my time! I'm not saying 47 is old but you get what I mean.

You know what else I want to be able to do? I want to go to a party without being the chaperone. I want to have fun not run around making sure no-one breaks anything or anyone. I don't even have partiesl I go to other peoples. You see how sad that is? I'm sixteen and I've never had a "proper" party.

Thinking about it properly, there's actually a few things I want to achieve this year. How about I list them? Spontaneously.

go on a rollercoaster
eat a strawberry
eat a kiwi
eat more fruit in general
party on down
stop analysing things
stop drawing attention to myself so much
volunteer
get a boyfriend?

Ignore the last one. That's my silly girly side rearing it's ugly head again. On a serious note (or maybe not so serious once you've read what I'm about to write), I've never eaten a strawberry, or a kiwi, or a melon, or a grape, or an orange. In fact the only fruits I've eaten are apples and bananas. Seriously. I'm so adventurous. :/

Okay, it's definiately time for a change. Starting from right now. I'm going to write a list of things I want to achieve this year and cross them off as I go; or add to it if need be. Wish me luck?