With Or Without You

I haven't been keeping up with my subscriptions. I've been dreaming and fantasizing instead. I almost wrote about one of my little dreams the other day but when I tried to explain it just sounded silly and immature. But these little imaginings aren't rude or anything. They're just little things I wish could happen.

The thing is when I look back at what I've been dreaming of, I know it's never going to happen. It's all in my head and no boy is like that in the real world. Or maybe they are but not around me?

Then this thought makes me feel quite lonely. Really lonely. I see my friends finding people or meeting people new and interesting and all I'm seeing for myself is being stuck in a loop, not breaking out of the boundaries or stepping out of the same old thing. I'm terrified that I'm going to be that sad girl that everyone sees as their friend but never think of anything else.

And yet...

I'm too scared to let my shield down. Just as I'm getting used to everyone and everything around me, it get's shaken up again. I say I love change, and I do, I really really do, but this is time it's shaken my confidence so much I don't know what to do.

The thought of being with someone is so uplifting but at the same time is worries me. My last 'relationship' didn't exact go to plan and I know why. I'm too scared that I'll do the same things again and I'll ruin it all over again. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden to somebody.

The person I talk about this kind of stuff do is so happy and bubbly at the moment I don't want to dash her happiness. She's just got herself a boyfriend, see what I mean about people I know finding partners?

So what do I do? Do I ignore all this and hope the feelings will go away? Do I open up a little more and take the chance of getting hurt? Or do I bury myself in self pity and ruin my own life along with the people around me?

I wish I was like I was before. When I didn't care what people thought because I was happy with myself. But instead I'm angry at myself for letting these feelings over run. I'm annoyed I can't face the facts and get on with living. I'm furious with myself for being too scared to start living like normal teenagers do. I'm upset that rather then talking about this with someone I've started to turn against myself. I'm finding flaws in everything I do. A year ago my face was thinner, now I see how much weight I've put on over the summer. I'm disgusted by myself and feel as if the people I'm meeting are thinking the same things I am about myself.

Am I being selfish? Or conceited? Maybe I just need a slap to wake me up.

I wish I had someone here with me. Friends are amazing and the best things in the world, and yes, they would come first before any boyfriend I may have but they don't give off the same energy as a boyfriend does; that sense of protection and affection.

Maybe I will just bury these feelings, it's a lot easier then explaining.