Empty Pockets Tell A Story

Clouds, rainbows, sugar drops, satellites, spell check, holding you at arms length and regrets. The most interesting things crop up in my mind just as I'm falling asleep. I'm glad I wrote them down. I can't explain most of them but I know exactly where the last two came from. Shall I explain? But promise me no names. I'm not allowed to embarrass you even if you embarrassed me. We're different you see, too different.

I'm sorry I made you lie. I'm sorry I irritated you. I'm sorry I'm not like those other girls you know who are interesting and real. I'm sorry you had to spend that month and a half with me when I know that as soon as it started you wanted out. Mostly I'm sorry that through all that time I held you away and ruined everything.

Let me explain but it won't be easy. I don't understand it, it's something completely out of my control. When you weren't around, all I wanted to do was find you, see you, smile with you, hold you close and never let go. But as soon as you appeared, as soon as you found me, saw me, smiled with me, all I wanted to do is hold you back, run away, hide from you like a child. I wanted to keep you at arms length so you couldn't hurt me. I wanted you to stay away but at the same time stay as close as possible. I was on a yo yo, near one second then in a blink of an eye I was rolling away, trying to break free.

I regret everything. From that moment I was with you to the moment I wasn't. But you have to know it's not my fault. I'm not blaming you for everything but for some things I am. You embarrassed me and it sounds silly and pointless but that is the one thing that will cause that massive gap that separated us to grow. I thought I'd forget about it, about those nine short words you said to me that afternoon but they still haunt me even seven months on. I can't sleep because of it. I find myself bolting awake thinking I'm reliving those 30 seconds. I hate it but I will never be able to explain it to you face to face. You won't get it and you'll get end up telling someone. Perhaps one of your friends - y'know, they ones that I now have nothing to do with because I can't stand to be reminded of those ugly times.

So you know what, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to realise how cold I can be. Thank you for showing how lonely I really am. Thank you for scaring me into being alone for fear that I'll do exactly the same thing to the next person. Thank you very much.

At least it's stopped raining now.