Does The Pain Weigh Out The Pride?

I've had enough of walls and windows and cameras and numbers and notes and money and that crushing feeling of disappointment. I no longer yearn for the feeling of acceptance and I never want to rise to your expectations again. I want you to leave me alone. Accept that I'm not going to be like the person you like the most. I'm not that person who you knew 4 years ago. Let me be. Relish in the fact that I can do these things without it bothering me. Why should it worry you if you're not the one acting out these dramas?

Take a step back and allow me to run wild through the paths of your beautiful mind. Let me twist you and change you and shape you; just like you shaped me. Be open to the fact I'm moving on. I've had enough. I need something new. Go your own way if you must. Make sure you hold your own and everything will be fine. Stay strong. I'm not going to do everything.

Let me make my mistakes. Let me cry, let me laugh, let me watch, let me shut it out. I'm not like you were. You never experienced this. You stepped up to the line but I want to go running over it. I feel like you're holding me at my waist and wrestling me back whilst I kick and scream and plead for you to let me go.

I want to run. Run as far as I can. Cut that corner. Take that jump. Pretend I didn't hear you when you call my name. I want to dance under the stars with that one I dreamt about. I want to walk barefoot around the streets; feeling the hard pavement and the sharp, sharp glass. I want to smile with you and know that everything is going to be alright. I want to see you seeing me pushing the borders you told me not to push. I want to shock and surprise and make you angry. I want to make sure you hear me nice and clear.

Let's pretend for a minute that I didn't care. Let's pretend you were calm and didn't mind. That you looked at me like I was safe no matter what happened. What would you say then? How would your react? What would happen after? When all this is over? What if I had a list and you read it and said "Let's go"? Would I be okay with that? Would I be comfortable knowing what you knew? What would I say? Would I smile and laugh? Would you be proud of me when it was all over? Would you have had enough? Or would you make the list longer? As long as it could possibly be?

Truth be told, I'm jealous of you. Jealous that you've already had your chance. Jealous you've made your choices. Jealous you're happy with them and can stop thinking about them. Jealous of the endless amounts of possibilities you're left with. Jealous you know how I'll feel, what I'll think. Jealous you can tell me these things without thinking about what I'll think next. I'm jealous of you. Of everything thing about you.

And yet I don't want to be like you. I don't what to be like you are. I want to be the reverse of you. Someone different and opposite and myself. I can't stop thinking about how you act. I can't stop telling myself that I'm looking at exactly how I'll be soon. I can't stop thinking that the feelings I'm feeling will be the same as everyone else's when the time comes for me to change, morph, grow into you.

I can't stop thinking that I'm the only one to blame for this. I should have realised when I could have. Stopped myself before my chance was gone. Allowed myself to change before you changed me like you did.

I've had enough. I'm safe without you. I need you but not that close. I want to you show me how I can be without becoming that person yourself. I want you to see that I'm not going to be like this for much longer. I want to tell you. Whisper it to you so I can't see your reaction. Set you clues. Let you believe what you want to believe. Maybe you'll believe something different? Maybe you'll understand and blame it on something else? Maybe you'll just accept it and move on? Maybe you'll change too to fit with what's going to happen?

Or maybe you won't.

Loves Songs So Genuinely Cunning.

The past few days I seem to have been walking around in some kind of haze, catching snippets of other people's conversations whilst I try to focus on what's going on that directly affects me. Other people's conversations are so interesting; I found myself thinking that everyone else has much more interesting conversations than I seem to have. Not to say that the conversations I have are uninteresting - just that other people's are slightly more interesting.

Take for example one conversation I heard on the train - well, it may have been two, they sort of got mixed as I was concentrating on what someone was saying to me at the time. The people on the train, or one group of people, were talking about 2D and 3D shapes whilst another group of people were talking about people they know and how they seem to despise their very own friends. So that got me thinking about if you could get 2D and 3D people. Or rather, 2D and 3D personalities and beings because obviously everyone's 3D. But back to my point. What if everyone that are usually classed as 'shallow' or uninteresting' or just 'close-minded' were actually 2D? They have no volume to them; no interesting aspects. Squares maybe? I guess that may have been where that phase came from. There is nothing interesting about 2D people - they have sides and corners and that's about it. Nothing supporting them. Nothing that could ever amount to anything.

And then you have your 3D people. People who have volume and are interesting and are supported by their views. Or rather, they can support their views themselves. They're open-minded and have fun and are just all-round interesting people.

So what about the people who are bit of both? Some days they're interesting and sophisticated and fit in and are social but on other day's they're shallow and cold and unmotivated. I think most people would fit in this category as everyone has their ups and downs. But then we have this problem that there's nothing really between 2D and 3D. 2 and a half D? But that isn't really rolling-off-the-tongue very smoothing. It can't possible be 4D as that's above the 3D people; nor can it be 1D as that just don't make sense. So any suggestions?

"I blame you for what happened to Josh" was the next thing I heard in passing. I wonder who Josh is? And more importantly what happened to him? It'll be a headliner for the gossip mags I bet.

And you know what? I'm really sick of people who lie constantly. Again, on the train, I could hear this boy going on and on about his martial arts and how you could kill someone with it and how he was only an orange belt (which coincidentally matches his hair colour) but by the time he's a black belt he'll be able to use all the knifes and kill people with his amazing skills. Seriously, shut up. Martial arts is all about self-defence, not killing people. And no way would your teachers let you anywhere near a knife you poor, pathetic boy. Your compulsive lying has caused the truth to expand just a little too much. You don't count anymore. And I'm not sorry.

Poutle is such an amazing word. Thank you for introducing it too me.

You're A Cut Above All The Rest.

So we were sat on the train today after power-walking to the station to desperately try and get the early train when we met a lovely young man. Not a lovely young man as in I wish to make this poor boy my lover but rather he was very gentlemanly. He kindly gave up his seat to us explaining how he got off in two stops anyway. It was so kind of him, I absolutely adore people who are generally friendly.

Like the other day, when I was in town buying things, just as I was waiting for the bus it started heaving it down - much like it is right now in fact. Looking round at the people also waiting for the bus I noticed a woman who looked very prim and proper in that sort of "yes, I've made an effort today and I feel good about it" way not a "I'm better than you" way. MY heart went out to her that evening as she sheltered under her soggy umbrella desperately trying to cover he well-groomed head. So when the bus arrived I told her she could go before me simply because I don't mind the rain and she obviously uncomfortable in it. However, instead of taking up my offer she turned and smiled saying "No, no, you were here first." So not only was she looking incredibly lovely in her smart outfit and recently cut hair, she was also amazingly generous.

I really do appreciate a little kindness now and then. I try to be kind to everyone, to be friendly and helpful. Yet the other day I was told I give off the wring vibes? I was asked if I actually liked one of my friends from college. Jokingly I said no, I hated them with all my heart. So is that what they mean? By sarcasm hurts rather do whatever sarcasm is supposed to do? It's very unnerving when you get told you aren't the one thing you thought you were. I'd just like to apologise to anyone I upset, I really don't mean to, I'm just so used to people accepting the way that I am that I don't think that perhaps I'm upsetting all these new people I'm trying to be friends with.

I really don't want to end on a negative so perhaps a new idea to think about instead? Rather then laughing at that person sitting near you on the bus, or glaring at someone because maybe they're hanging out with the types of people you'd love to be friends with, why not give up your seat to someone? Or compliment someone just because you like what they're wearing or how their hair looks or just because you think they're pretty. It doesn't have to be in a flirty way, it could just be a friendly gesture. A nice "you look really good today" will suffice. It doesn't have to be something ridiculous, just make the effort, go out of your way to make someone else's day just that little bit better. It's easy really when you think about it. There's an endless list of things you could say to someone to cheer them up. Or you could buy them a gift? I'm not talking about Christmas gifts here, I talking about buying them a cup of tea simply because they look cold. Or buying them a flapjack because a few minutes ago they said they were hungry. Or share something? Share your food. Share your coat. Share your umbrella. It's all worth it in the end, right?

Alex I'm so proud of you. Don't worry about your exam, you'll be fine. ♥

Can You Help Me Find A Way To Carry On Again?

I've had enough of this graphics coursework. It's due in on Wednesday but I know if I don't do it now I won't do it at all. And then there's my photography that I'm ridiculously behind in. I just need a whole week of nothing to catch up on everything. The thing is, the next time I'll get a chance is the Christmas holidays but by then everything is due in and over with. Oh what am I do to?

A

ANY particular reason your taking this survey?
I'm desperately trying to find a way to distract myself away from the pain that is my coursework.

ARE you at school, work, or home?
At home currently seeing as it's a Sunday and hibernation day.

AGE at which you 1st drank alcohol?
Older than most people in my year group.

B

BOUGHT anything from Spencer's?
Marks and Spencer's? Food mostly. But it tends to give me stomach aches. "Sad smiley".

BRAVEST person you know?
Anyone who's had to have an all-body x-ray, people able to stand up for others as well as themselves, anyone willing to go skinny-dipping.

BLONDES or Brunettes?
I hate questions like this. I'd rather red heads. :)

C

CRAPPIEST band?
Any with bad lyrics.

CAN your dad beat you in a race?
Ahaa, I doubt it you smoker. :)

COULD you bungee jump?
I could I think. I think I could. I could if I tried. I'd try it I could.

D

DRAWING or painting?
Drawing, I fail at painting.

DOES your bedroom need cleaning?
Yes. Ohhh yess.

DO the drapes match the curtains?
-_- Sexually suggestive questions do not amuse me at the moment.

E

EVER swear at your parents?
No no no no.

EARN enough to pay the bills?
No. Just no.

EXORCIST or SAW movies?
I've only seen the first Saw film and hid from the part with the foot-sawing. And I've only part seen the Exorcist with dearest Ally Wally making jokes throughout so neither for me?

F

FLOWERS or chocolate?
Flowers, they last longer.

FUNNEL cake or Elephant Ears?
Funnel Cake every time.

FIRED from a job?
Not yet. ^_^

G

GIVING or receiving gifts?
Both are lovely.

GOING to the movies or a play?
That all depends on what is being shown.

GONE to the bathroom this hour?
Nope. But I need to now so thanks.

H

HAVING or adopting a baby?
Neither. Ever.

HORSES or cows?
Cows. Horses terrify me.

HEAVY or light-weight drinker?
I wouldn't know.

I

IS Michael Jackson in heaven?
I don't really believe in that kind of thing. I'm more of a it-depends-on-what-you-believe-in kind of person. so if he believed in heaven then maybe. If he believed in reincarnation then maybe not.

INSIDE or outside?
I'm inside at the moment but would like to be outside.

INSTANT or regular coffee?
Neither. Coffee would be flushed down the toilet.

J

JORDAN or Tiger Woods?
I have no idea. Tiger? Just because I don't know who Jordan Woods is?

JETTA or Saab?
Does it make a difference? Really?

JULY 4th or St. Patrick's Day?
St. Patrick's Day.

K

KOOL-AID or Crystal Lite?
Neither.

KANGAROO or Camel?
Spitting or kicking? I'll go with the kicking.

KETCHUP or mustard?
Ketchup but very rarely.

L

LIGHTS on or off during sex?
I wouldn't know, I've only been legal for a year.

LOTTERY scratch offs or Power Ball?
I don't play the lottery.

LIQUOR or beer?
Are they not the same thing?

M

MONTH of choice?
I love October simply because the weather is nice.

MEAL you cook best?
Toast? If that counts.

MISS the most:
Year 10 & 11 days at the moment.

N

NEVER would I:
Admit to someone how I felt about them.

NIGHT owl or early bird?
Night OWL! Just because owls are ♥

NOTE to self:
Your coursework is still incomplete.

O

OPEN your own jars?
Yes?

OFFER to help old people?
My gran :)

ONLY in America:
Will you find the world's largest elastic band ball.

P

PRESCRIPTIONS you have now or in the past?
Never. I'm healthy y'see.

PAPER or plastic?
Paper.

PRETTY Woman or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candles but only because it reminds me of the Fall Out Boy song. I've never seen either of the films...and I call myself a film studies student...

Q

QDOBA or Chipotle?
Yes. Same.

QUIT my job for:
Nothing. I've never quit.

QUANTITY or quality?
Depends what we're talking about here.

R

ROADTRIP or flying?
Roadtrip please.

RESPONSE to a sneeze?
"Bless you dearest child, may your lurgy be cured."

RIGHT or left handed?
Right handed.

S

SIT or stand all day?
A bit of both please. Sitting all day makes your bum flat. Standing all day just hurts.

SMELL you hate?
Petrol, sweat, rotting pumpkins.

SUSHI of choice?
I've only tried sushi once so...

T

THANK goodness it's:
Monday tomorrow, I get to have fun with camera's in media.

TELL me your middle name?
Ellen. :)

TODAY is:
A Sunday, hibernation day, stress over coursework day.

U

UNDER my bed is:
A load of pillows, blankets, duvets and plushies.

UNDERWEAR brand?
Topshop I suppose? Awh, that reminds me of the Mighty Boosh with the cavemen and their ties. "Topshop!"

USUALLY I sing:
Badly.

V

VITAMINS you take?
Iron sometimes? But that's not really a vitamin...

VERY much like?
A lot of things. See the previous entry.

VACCINES I've had:
Cervical cancer, TB, menigitus, others maybe?

W

WITHDRAWS from:
My bank account.

WEAPONS I own?
Hot straightners, hairspray and heeled shoes.

WAFFLES or pancakes?
Pancakes. I can eat hundreds of them.

X

X-RAY you've had?
One for my foot, one for my chest.

X-LOVER's Name?
Ahaa, I wouldn't exactly class him as a 'lover'.

X-TRA toppings of:
Extra*, you cheated.

Y

YEAR you were born?
Nineteen ninety two.

YARD sale or goodwill?
If I had a yard, I would have a sale on it.

YELLOW or green?
Both? Togther.

Z

ZOO you've been to?
London and does Longleat count? It's more of a safari park I suppose.

ZACK Morris or Slater?
I have no idea who these people are and I'm too lazy to look them up.

ZITS are:
Easy to get rid of them but should not be squeezed, that's vile. Just wash your face everyday and use teatree and witch-hazel should any make an appearence.

I really do dispise coursework. Especially seeing as it's taken me roughly 2 hours to do just the background, title and to back my images onto card. Not fun.

But Wait, Where Are You Now?

I always get nervous when I learn that someone reads my blogs. I have to explain that most of the time it's just me moaning about my average life and all round self-loathing.
I like the world loathing, it's a bit of onomatopoeic.
I must thank Alex for 'onomatopoeic'...I couldn't remember the word; thank her for telling me the word, not the actual existence of the word. I wonder who did create the word?
Every time I typed the word 'word' then I almost spelt 'world' instead.
So yes, I thank Alex for the world. Some form of illegitimate mother perhaps? That would be fun, having Al as a mum. I don't care what you say, I think it would be.

Stage one of the puff book is complete: actually buying the book for which we will include the puffs.
Stage 2: filling the book.
Stage 3: sending it to John in time for his birthday (August 24th - which happens to be dearest Tantan's birthday).

Can you tell it was this morning that I bathed? I seem to only think of ridiculous ponderings at night. I don't know why. It's a little silly.

I want something big to happen, something shocking. The other day I found myself hoping over and over again for a car crash. Not for the death but for the pure thrill. How depressing. I should move on from this.

I'm self-conscious now about my posts. Now that I know more people than I thought read my blogs. It's not fun times. I'm happy you do, and yes, I do mean you. It's just you probably didn't need to tell me. But if you want to continue reading you're more than welcome to. I'm not exactly going to stop you am I?

Or I could. Depending if you think my blogs becoming increasingly boring is me purposefully trying to stop you reading them, or if you think it's just your own being that is bored my mindless rabble.

Ugh, small paragraphs are a sign on my lack of creativity. I dislike this heartily.

Enough of the negativity. Let's make another list.

I love Julia Nunes. Her songs never fail to cheer me up.
I love how my stomach is rumbling - but it's a good hunger, not that "I'm going to die a painful death" kind of hunger.
I love how my rooms a mess.
I love how I just stopped with fear because a really loud firework went off.
I love how it's winter and everyone has to wrap up now so no-one has to have an excuse for wearing that unflattering hoodie or old, musky scarf.
I love how even though I've had them for years, my colouring pencils are still in rainbow order and not one of them has been lost.
I love the fact that it's only Saturday and we've still got the whole of Sunday to go.
I love how I enjoy my Mondays almost as much as my Saturdays.
I love Pomplamoose and their version of Mister Sandman.
I love how I can see the fireworks from my bedroom.
I love how I have new people to speak to after moaning about having no-one for months.
I love how spellcheck doesn't understand my blogs.
I love how my friend has one of my favourite songs in her 'pm' on msn.
I love how easy it is to change the subject.
I love how everything glitters when the fireworks explode. Especially as the ground is all wet.
I love how I can remember crying over something one bonfire night years ago but can't actually remember the thing that I was crying over.
I love how things become so insignificant over time.
I love how people over-react by in a good way, not with all the screaming and irritating girlyness.
I love how you're still reading this.
I love how my mum just brought me up a cup of tea before she went to bed.
I love how she's going to bed really early.
I love Bo Burnham and his inappropriate song lyrics.
I love how my friends write me little notes in my notebook or on scraps of paper.
I love how people often read things in the wrong way.
I love the fact that girls over react to such silly things.
I love how I don't over react to love interests.
Much.
I love that I'm a teenage and I can use this as an excuse.
I love that my friends have shaped and changed me into something so much better.
I love that I see someone almost everyday that I've hardly seen for the past 3/4 years.
I love how right this second I'm making a fool of myself but the person doesn't mind.
I love how this list is a lot longer than I thought it would be.
I love how my tongue still hurts from when I burnt it a few hours ago.
I love how I have to spell check the word tongue.
I love that I don't know my 6, 7 or 8 times tables and will never need to.
I love that I'm tired but not tired enough to sleep.
I love that I can understand the song Balloons completely yet get utterly confused with Northern Downpour.
I love Northern Downpour.
I love how I almost finished this list with the cliche "I love you" when truth is, I may not know you so no, I don't love you.
I love that I have no hobbies.
I love that the biscuits I ate will show.
I love how I'm finally getting comfortable with that idea.
I love how people make mistakes so often.
I love that I have to explain things to people because they don't understand how I'm describing something.
I love how describe and explain are two different things.
I love people who spell correctly on the Internet.
I love how I failed to spell 'correctly' when I first wrote it.
I love how quickly people move on.
I love that August can send me to sleep.
I love that the fireworks have stopped so that my mum can sleep peacefully.
I love that this list is comprised of things happening right now.
I love that my friend is enjoying her job.
I love book swaps.
I love how hair grows.
I love that things never stay the same for too long.
I love that even though this list is now too long, you're still reading.
I love that you've made it to the end.
Are you happy too?

The World Could Show Nothing To Me

I always seem to have the strangest thoughts when I'm in the bath. No, not illicit thoughts, more like pondering.

Thought 1
So imagine the world is made up of playing cards, what card would you be? Think about it carefully, it could mean a lot more than you think it does.
At first I thought I might be the 3 of hearts; fitting in with the rest of the pack, not standing out. Always in three different states: love, hate, imagination. But then I realised that no, I wasn't the three of hearts. The three of hearts is a very popular card - I mean, let's face it, the hearts are most people's favourites. And I'm not that popular. There are so many other people more worth of the three of hearts, those shiny types that make everything else in the room seem a little brighter when they walk in. I am not one of those people.
So this is when I looked up card meaning - yes, I am taking it this far. I am definitely a three, I have a good feeling about it; according to this list I have found it represents "creativity and communication" so perhaps? Or maybe not. For the sake of this idea I am going to stick with the three.
Now, just for the suit. I figured that I'm not a diamond either, diamonds are lucky and bold. Although second best to the heart (which I have found to be something I describe myself as quite often: second-best), they are still too popular for me. So I'm left with either a club or a spade. I looked up these two on my list, a three of clubs symbolises helpful people and events. Now, I have been told that I am helpful and I know I can be but with this idea of the playing cards I'm imagining it to be more about the person you see, not the person everyone else sees. I know myself better than most people and I am not helpful to myself, thus the three of clubs is out the window. So at last we come to the three of spades: "three's a crowd". Three's a crowd? Yes. This is what I've been feeling lately. Sort of apart of a group but still feeling like a complete outsider in every situation.

So there we have it. I am a three of spades.

Alex, to me you are the jack of hearts: "youthful, ambition without focus, lively youth" and how I wish I was like you. Ambition without focus to me just means you are impulsive and slightly erratic. all positive. Although, like I said, this cards thing is all about how you see yourself not how others see you.

Thought 2
I've found that all my friends, every single one of them has something interesting and different about them. Something that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that you would notice and single-out if they were in a crowd.
I don't want to use an example as I'm not sure people would really want to be written about in my blog if they won't know about it. But just take a look around and you'll soon start to see that everyone seems to have something spectacular about them.
The thing is, I've been trying to find something about me that makes me stand out, and I cannot find anything. Nothing about me makes me stand out of the crowd. There is always someone or something that overshadows me. Second-best. I shouldn't be upset at people for standing out, and I'm not, it's just I would like to stand out once in a while. Make myself heard without feeling like a total poser.

Self-loathing always springs up in the bath tub.

Take Your Bait Before I Play You Out

I'd like to apologise so Sammy, I admit, I haven't been reading you blogs and I feel terrible. And even worse that this, I probably won't catch up on them because I'm lazy and I can't think of a better excuse.
So yes, I'm sorry.

Molly Lewis is an actual doll, her rendition of Poker Face has been on repeat for the past hour now. Go listen, it's amazing. Thank you Mr Hank Green for leading me to her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mf7cQfhJSA

It's almost been a year since I got my ukulele and I still haven't learnt to strum it properly. I'm such a fail, a poser perhaps. Alex you said how you were a poser in your photo with the guitar and all, but at least you don't go round saying you play the damn thing. I need to learn and I need to learn now. It's no good be lying about it at Brock, people seem to be able to spot these kinds of things a mile off.

I just finished re-reading a book about a girl with cancer, a fiction this time, not another one of those true-life stories. She made lists in the book, lists of things she wanted to do and have. I was thinking of comprising one of these lists, just like I did in the summer but I figure that it would probably just end up being some kind of Christmas list and it's only November.

November 5th, Guy Fawkes Night, V for Vendetta. BCG first. Cup of tea. Bath. Bubbles. Conditioner. Jumper. Pyjamas. Warmth. Owls.

I have such an obsession with owls at the moment, I've started drawing them and thinking of making one but I fail at textiles so perhaps not. Alex I blame you for this. The owl thing, not the textiles thing.

I don't want my injection. I'm scared to have it. I feel like such a pin cushion, first the second cancer jab, then the six needles skin test, now the BCG jab. It isn't fun times. At least I get to miss form today I suppose.

P-P-P poker face, P-P-P poker face. ♥