Can You Help Me Find A Way To Carry On Again?

I've had enough of this graphics coursework. It's due in on Wednesday but I know if I don't do it now I won't do it at all. And then there's my photography that I'm ridiculously behind in. I just need a whole week of nothing to catch up on everything. The thing is, the next time I'll get a chance is the Christmas holidays but by then everything is due in and over with. Oh what am I do to?

A

ANY particular reason your taking this survey?
I'm desperately trying to find a way to distract myself away from the pain that is my coursework.

ARE you at school, work, or home?
At home currently seeing as it's a Sunday and hibernation day.

AGE at which you 1st drank alcohol?
Older than most people in my year group.

B

BOUGHT anything from Spencer's?
Marks and Spencer's? Food mostly. But it tends to give me stomach aches. "Sad smiley".

BRAVEST person you know?
Anyone who's had to have an all-body x-ray, people able to stand up for others as well as themselves, anyone willing to go skinny-dipping.

BLONDES or Brunettes?
I hate questions like this. I'd rather red heads. :)

C

CRAPPIEST band?
Any with bad lyrics.

CAN your dad beat you in a race?
Ahaa, I doubt it you smoker. :)

COULD you bungee jump?
I could I think. I think I could. I could if I tried. I'd try it I could.

D

DRAWING or painting?
Drawing, I fail at painting.

DOES your bedroom need cleaning?
Yes. Ohhh yess.

DO the drapes match the curtains?
-_- Sexually suggestive questions do not amuse me at the moment.

E

EVER swear at your parents?
No no no no.

EARN enough to pay the bills?
No. Just no.

EXORCIST or SAW movies?
I've only seen the first Saw film and hid from the part with the foot-sawing. And I've only part seen the Exorcist with dearest Ally Wally making jokes throughout so neither for me?

F

FLOWERS or chocolate?
Flowers, they last longer.

FUNNEL cake or Elephant Ears?
Funnel Cake every time.

FIRED from a job?
Not yet. ^_^

G

GIVING or receiving gifts?
Both are lovely.

GOING to the movies or a play?
That all depends on what is being shown.

GONE to the bathroom this hour?
Nope. But I need to now so thanks.

H

HAVING or adopting a baby?
Neither. Ever.

HORSES or cows?
Cows. Horses terrify me.

HEAVY or light-weight drinker?
I wouldn't know.

I

IS Michael Jackson in heaven?
I don't really believe in that kind of thing. I'm more of a it-depends-on-what-you-believe-in kind of person. so if he believed in heaven then maybe. If he believed in reincarnation then maybe not.

INSIDE or outside?
I'm inside at the moment but would like to be outside.

INSTANT or regular coffee?
Neither. Coffee would be flushed down the toilet.

J

JORDAN or Tiger Woods?
I have no idea. Tiger? Just because I don't know who Jordan Woods is?

JETTA or Saab?
Does it make a difference? Really?

JULY 4th or St. Patrick's Day?
St. Patrick's Day.

K

KOOL-AID or Crystal Lite?
Neither.

KANGAROO or Camel?
Spitting or kicking? I'll go with the kicking.

KETCHUP or mustard?
Ketchup but very rarely.

L

LIGHTS on or off during sex?
I wouldn't know, I've only been legal for a year.

LOTTERY scratch offs or Power Ball?
I don't play the lottery.

LIQUOR or beer?
Are they not the same thing?

M

MONTH of choice?
I love October simply because the weather is nice.

MEAL you cook best?
Toast? If that counts.

MISS the most:
Year 10 & 11 days at the moment.

N

NEVER would I:
Admit to someone how I felt about them.

NIGHT owl or early bird?
Night OWL! Just because owls are ♥

NOTE to self:
Your coursework is still incomplete.

O

OPEN your own jars?
Yes?

OFFER to help old people?
My gran :)

ONLY in America:
Will you find the world's largest elastic band ball.

P

PRESCRIPTIONS you have now or in the past?
Never. I'm healthy y'see.

PAPER or plastic?
Paper.

PRETTY Woman or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candles but only because it reminds me of the Fall Out Boy song. I've never seen either of the films...and I call myself a film studies student...

Q

QDOBA or Chipotle?
Yes. Same.

QUIT my job for:
Nothing. I've never quit.

QUANTITY or quality?
Depends what we're talking about here.

R

ROADTRIP or flying?
Roadtrip please.

RESPONSE to a sneeze?
"Bless you dearest child, may your lurgy be cured."

RIGHT or left handed?
Right handed.

S

SIT or stand all day?
A bit of both please. Sitting all day makes your bum flat. Standing all day just hurts.

SMELL you hate?
Petrol, sweat, rotting pumpkins.

SUSHI of choice?
I've only tried sushi once so...

T

THANK goodness it's:
Monday tomorrow, I get to have fun with camera's in media.

TELL me your middle name?
Ellen. :)

TODAY is:
A Sunday, hibernation day, stress over coursework day.

U

UNDER my bed is:
A load of pillows, blankets, duvets and plushies.

UNDERWEAR brand?
Topshop I suppose? Awh, that reminds me of the Mighty Boosh with the cavemen and their ties. "Topshop!"

USUALLY I sing:
Badly.

V

VITAMINS you take?
Iron sometimes? But that's not really a vitamin...

VERY much like?
A lot of things. See the previous entry.

VACCINES I've had:
Cervical cancer, TB, menigitus, others maybe?

W

WITHDRAWS from:
My bank account.

WEAPONS I own?
Hot straightners, hairspray and heeled shoes.

WAFFLES or pancakes?
Pancakes. I can eat hundreds of them.

X

X-RAY you've had?
One for my foot, one for my chest.

X-LOVER's Name?
Ahaa, I wouldn't exactly class him as a 'lover'.

X-TRA toppings of:
Extra*, you cheated.

Y

YEAR you were born?
Nineteen ninety two.

YARD sale or goodwill?
If I had a yard, I would have a sale on it.

YELLOW or green?
Both? Togther.

Z

ZOO you've been to?
London and does Longleat count? It's more of a safari park I suppose.

ZACK Morris or Slater?
I have no idea who these people are and I'm too lazy to look them up.

ZITS are:
Easy to get rid of them but should not be squeezed, that's vile. Just wash your face everyday and use teatree and witch-hazel should any make an appearence.

I really do dispise coursework. Especially seeing as it's taken me roughly 2 hours to do just the background, title and to back my images onto card. Not fun.

But Wait, Where Are You Now?

I always get nervous when I learn that someone reads my blogs. I have to explain that most of the time it's just me moaning about my average life and all round self-loathing.
I like the world loathing, it's a bit of onomatopoeic.
I must thank Alex for 'onomatopoeic'...I couldn't remember the word; thank her for telling me the word, not the actual existence of the word. I wonder who did create the word?
Every time I typed the word 'word' then I almost spelt 'world' instead.
So yes, I thank Alex for the world. Some form of illegitimate mother perhaps? That would be fun, having Al as a mum. I don't care what you say, I think it would be.

Stage one of the puff book is complete: actually buying the book for which we will include the puffs.
Stage 2: filling the book.
Stage 3: sending it to John in time for his birthday (August 24th - which happens to be dearest Tantan's birthday).

Can you tell it was this morning that I bathed? I seem to only think of ridiculous ponderings at night. I don't know why. It's a little silly.

I want something big to happen, something shocking. The other day I found myself hoping over and over again for a car crash. Not for the death but for the pure thrill. How depressing. I should move on from this.

I'm self-conscious now about my posts. Now that I know more people than I thought read my blogs. It's not fun times. I'm happy you do, and yes, I do mean you. It's just you probably didn't need to tell me. But if you want to continue reading you're more than welcome to. I'm not exactly going to stop you am I?

Or I could. Depending if you think my blogs becoming increasingly boring is me purposefully trying to stop you reading them, or if you think it's just your own being that is bored my mindless rabble.

Ugh, small paragraphs are a sign on my lack of creativity. I dislike this heartily.

Enough of the negativity. Let's make another list.

I love Julia Nunes. Her songs never fail to cheer me up.
I love how my stomach is rumbling - but it's a good hunger, not that "I'm going to die a painful death" kind of hunger.
I love how my rooms a mess.
I love how I just stopped with fear because a really loud firework went off.
I love how it's winter and everyone has to wrap up now so no-one has to have an excuse for wearing that unflattering hoodie or old, musky scarf.
I love how even though I've had them for years, my colouring pencils are still in rainbow order and not one of them has been lost.
I love the fact that it's only Saturday and we've still got the whole of Sunday to go.
I love how I enjoy my Mondays almost as much as my Saturdays.
I love Pomplamoose and their version of Mister Sandman.
I love how I can see the fireworks from my bedroom.
I love how I have new people to speak to after moaning about having no-one for months.
I love how spellcheck doesn't understand my blogs.
I love how my friend has one of my favourite songs in her 'pm' on msn.
I love how easy it is to change the subject.
I love how everything glitters when the fireworks explode. Especially as the ground is all wet.
I love how I can remember crying over something one bonfire night years ago but can't actually remember the thing that I was crying over.
I love how things become so insignificant over time.
I love how people over-react by in a good way, not with all the screaming and irritating girlyness.
I love how you're still reading this.
I love how my mum just brought me up a cup of tea before she went to bed.
I love how she's going to bed really early.
I love Bo Burnham and his inappropriate song lyrics.
I love how my friends write me little notes in my notebook or on scraps of paper.
I love how people often read things in the wrong way.
I love the fact that girls over react to such silly things.
I love how I don't over react to love interests.
Much.
I love that I'm a teenage and I can use this as an excuse.
I love that my friends have shaped and changed me into something so much better.
I love that I see someone almost everyday that I've hardly seen for the past 3/4 years.
I love how right this second I'm making a fool of myself but the person doesn't mind.
I love how this list is a lot longer than I thought it would be.
I love how my tongue still hurts from when I burnt it a few hours ago.
I love how I have to spell check the word tongue.
I love that I don't know my 6, 7 or 8 times tables and will never need to.
I love that I'm tired but not tired enough to sleep.
I love that I can understand the song Balloons completely yet get utterly confused with Northern Downpour.
I love Northern Downpour.
I love how I almost finished this list with the cliche "I love you" when truth is, I may not know you so no, I don't love you.
I love that I have no hobbies.
I love that the biscuits I ate will show.
I love how I'm finally getting comfortable with that idea.
I love how people make mistakes so often.
I love that I have to explain things to people because they don't understand how I'm describing something.
I love how describe and explain are two different things.
I love people who spell correctly on the Internet.
I love how I failed to spell 'correctly' when I first wrote it.
I love how quickly people move on.
I love that August can send me to sleep.
I love that the fireworks have stopped so that my mum can sleep peacefully.
I love that this list is comprised of things happening right now.
I love that my friend is enjoying her job.
I love book swaps.
I love how hair grows.
I love that things never stay the same for too long.
I love that even though this list is now too long, you're still reading.
I love that you've made it to the end.
Are you happy too?

The World Could Show Nothing To Me

I always seem to have the strangest thoughts when I'm in the bath. No, not illicit thoughts, more like pondering.

Thought 1
So imagine the world is made up of playing cards, what card would you be? Think about it carefully, it could mean a lot more than you think it does.
At first I thought I might be the 3 of hearts; fitting in with the rest of the pack, not standing out. Always in three different states: love, hate, imagination. But then I realised that no, I wasn't the three of hearts. The three of hearts is a very popular card - I mean, let's face it, the hearts are most people's favourites. And I'm not that popular. There are so many other people more worth of the three of hearts, those shiny types that make everything else in the room seem a little brighter when they walk in. I am not one of those people.
So this is when I looked up card meaning - yes, I am taking it this far. I am definitely a three, I have a good feeling about it; according to this list I have found it represents "creativity and communication" so perhaps? Or maybe not. For the sake of this idea I am going to stick with the three.
Now, just for the suit. I figured that I'm not a diamond either, diamonds are lucky and bold. Although second best to the heart (which I have found to be something I describe myself as quite often: second-best), they are still too popular for me. So I'm left with either a club or a spade. I looked up these two on my list, a three of clubs symbolises helpful people and events. Now, I have been told that I am helpful and I know I can be but with this idea of the playing cards I'm imagining it to be more about the person you see, not the person everyone else sees. I know myself better than most people and I am not helpful to myself, thus the three of clubs is out the window. So at last we come to the three of spades: "three's a crowd". Three's a crowd? Yes. This is what I've been feeling lately. Sort of apart of a group but still feeling like a complete outsider in every situation.

So there we have it. I am a three of spades.

Alex, to me you are the jack of hearts: "youthful, ambition without focus, lively youth" and how I wish I was like you. Ambition without focus to me just means you are impulsive and slightly erratic. all positive. Although, like I said, this cards thing is all about how you see yourself not how others see you.

Thought 2
I've found that all my friends, every single one of them has something interesting and different about them. Something that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that you would notice and single-out if they were in a crowd.
I don't want to use an example as I'm not sure people would really want to be written about in my blog if they won't know about it. But just take a look around and you'll soon start to see that everyone seems to have something spectacular about them.
The thing is, I've been trying to find something about me that makes me stand out, and I cannot find anything. Nothing about me makes me stand out of the crowd. There is always someone or something that overshadows me. Second-best. I shouldn't be upset at people for standing out, and I'm not, it's just I would like to stand out once in a while. Make myself heard without feeling like a total poser.

Self-loathing always springs up in the bath tub.

Take Your Bait Before I Play You Out

I'd like to apologise so Sammy, I admit, I haven't been reading you blogs and I feel terrible. And even worse that this, I probably won't catch up on them because I'm lazy and I can't think of a better excuse.
So yes, I'm sorry.

Molly Lewis is an actual doll, her rendition of Poker Face has been on repeat for the past hour now. Go listen, it's amazing. Thank you Mr Hank Green for leading me to her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mf7cQfhJSA

It's almost been a year since I got my ukulele and I still haven't learnt to strum it properly. I'm such a fail, a poser perhaps. Alex you said how you were a poser in your photo with the guitar and all, but at least you don't go round saying you play the damn thing. I need to learn and I need to learn now. It's no good be lying about it at Brock, people seem to be able to spot these kinds of things a mile off.

I just finished re-reading a book about a girl with cancer, a fiction this time, not another one of those true-life stories. She made lists in the book, lists of things she wanted to do and have. I was thinking of comprising one of these lists, just like I did in the summer but I figure that it would probably just end up being some kind of Christmas list and it's only November.

November 5th, Guy Fawkes Night, V for Vendetta. BCG first. Cup of tea. Bath. Bubbles. Conditioner. Jumper. Pyjamas. Warmth. Owls.

I have such an obsession with owls at the moment, I've started drawing them and thinking of making one but I fail at textiles so perhaps not. Alex I blame you for this. The owl thing, not the textiles thing.

I don't want my injection. I'm scared to have it. I feel like such a pin cushion, first the second cancer jab, then the six needles skin test, now the BCG jab. It isn't fun times. At least I get to miss form today I suppose.

P-P-P poker face, P-P-P poker face. ♥

Born Under A Bad Sign, But You Saved My Life.

I haven't written in my blog for almost a month now; if I had left it two more days it would have been exactly one full month. It sad but I was starting to feel a little disconnected from the blogging world yet if it had not been for Alexandra Scarlett I wouldn't have started writing again. See, she told me about her new post which I have just finished reading and that sort of spurred me on. And now I have a heck of a lot of reading to be catching up with. I feel like I've become a bit of a let-down; I used to read everyone's blogs and now I just don't. How depressing. Nevermind.

It's been nice though, y'know, actually having something to do. I used to be this girl who sat blogging about increasingly dull things that, lets be honest, no-one cares about. And now I'm a girl that blogs about still increasingly dull things that nobody cares about but actually happened! Oh the improvements I'm making!

But seriously, I actually have plans this half term, not just a "yeah whatever happens is cool" holiday like usual. Plus two Halloween parties to go to - one of which I don't actually know the person hosting it, I'm just tagging along. What a rebel.

You can tell I've been busy too; I haven't blogged about the evil x factor twins or the whole Steven Gately saga. What a disappointment on the blogging side. But seriously, Steven Gately!? Of all people!? Why? Why couldn't it have been the twins instead?

I don't actually have that much to say now that I've ranted about disappointments for a bit. I'm going to go back to deviantART and read through kinkei's character meme's now...

With Or Without You

I haven't been keeping up with my subscriptions. I've been dreaming and fantasizing instead. I almost wrote about one of my little dreams the other day but when I tried to explain it just sounded silly and immature. But these little imaginings aren't rude or anything. They're just little things I wish could happen.

The thing is when I look back at what I've been dreaming of, I know it's never going to happen. It's all in my head and no boy is like that in the real world. Or maybe they are but not around me?

Then this thought makes me feel quite lonely. Really lonely. I see my friends finding people or meeting people new and interesting and all I'm seeing for myself is being stuck in a loop, not breaking out of the boundaries or stepping out of the same old thing. I'm terrified that I'm going to be that sad girl that everyone sees as their friend but never think of anything else.

And yet...

I'm too scared to let my shield down. Just as I'm getting used to everyone and everything around me, it get's shaken up again. I say I love change, and I do, I really really do, but this is time it's shaken my confidence so much I don't know what to do.

The thought of being with someone is so uplifting but at the same time is worries me. My last 'relationship' didn't exact go to plan and I know why. I'm too scared that I'll do the same things again and I'll ruin it all over again. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden to somebody.

The person I talk about this kind of stuff do is so happy and bubbly at the moment I don't want to dash her happiness. She's just got herself a boyfriend, see what I mean about people I know finding partners?

So what do I do? Do I ignore all this and hope the feelings will go away? Do I open up a little more and take the chance of getting hurt? Or do I bury myself in self pity and ruin my own life along with the people around me?

I wish I was like I was before. When I didn't care what people thought because I was happy with myself. But instead I'm angry at myself for letting these feelings over run. I'm annoyed I can't face the facts and get on with living. I'm furious with myself for being too scared to start living like normal teenagers do. I'm upset that rather then talking about this with someone I've started to turn against myself. I'm finding flaws in everything I do. A year ago my face was thinner, now I see how much weight I've put on over the summer. I'm disgusted by myself and feel as if the people I'm meeting are thinking the same things I am about myself.

Am I being selfish? Or conceited? Maybe I just need a slap to wake me up.

I wish I had someone here with me. Friends are amazing and the best things in the world, and yes, they would come first before any boyfriend I may have but they don't give off the same energy as a boyfriend does; that sense of protection and affection.

Maybe I will just bury these feelings, it's a lot easier then explaining.

You're A First Time Vegan And It's Nice To Meet Ya

College college college! Oh it's amazing but so so tiring.
I have such a strange timetable:

Monday:
Free, photography, break, photography, enrichment, lunch, double media.

Tuesday:
Film studies, graphics, break, graphics, free, lunch, photography, free.

Wednesday:
Graphics, film studies, break, film studies, media, lunch, free, free.

Thursday:
Photography, free, break, free, tutor, lunch, free, free.

Friday:
Media, free, break, free, free, lunch, film studies, graphics.

See what I mean? In total I have 12 free periods.
If I didn't have a tutor period lesson 4 on Thursday I could go home after first lesson, but no.
And I have a 3 hours on free time in a row on Friday's. I'm tempted to go home and come back again then, I mean, what am I going to do for 3 hours in the middle of the new forest?

And then there's the lessons themselves.

Graphics - I thought this was going to be amazing. So far I've failed at both lessons. First of all we had to draw from still life and mine turned out awful. I cannot draw to save my life. And secondly we had to edit these images in photoshop. Now, I can use photoshop and I'm pretty confident with it but when there's a hot nerd sat next to you who's about a million times better then you it's a little difficult to a) concentrate and b) actually do anything worthwhile. I'm so used to editing photos of people that I found editing my crap drawing of I-don't-know-what was really difficult! So far, graphics is a fail. But I refuse to give up!

Photography - I'm not too sure what to think so photography yet. My teacher for starters is skitzophrenic, one minute he'll be all teacher-mode and be saying things like "Don't be late to my class or I'll kick you off the course!" and then the next moment he'll be laughing and joking about random things. Plus I haven't finished my work from last lesson which I should probably do but I just don't know where to begin. Gah. Bad times. And we haven't even taken any photos yet.

Media - I am loving media at the moment. Our first task is to make a short film about a subject of our choice and although we haven't started this yet I can guarantee it'll be fun...if not a little stressful because after all, I can't do anything without stressing over it. Aha. Thanks to a friend, in my second lesson this random guy turns to me and asks "How's the swine?" with a grin. The cheek of it! I don't have swine! Just a bit of a cough. It was quite funny though, in our first media lesson the aforementioned friend managed to make me into a lesbian nun with swine flu. Fantastic. That's just the impression I want to give to all these new people. Naah, it's all good fun though and I love love love it.

Film Studies - yet another amazing subject! I think I may prefer this more then media, but only slightly. I have my form tutor and another tutor teaching me in this plus a few friends. The class is just generally laid back and fun and yes, it takes some concentration but it's really interesting. Apart from the fact that I was given homework for the first time today in film studies. Nevermind, it's only a page of A4 on mise en scene. Simple stuff really.

I have such a Lady Gaga craving.

What Your Mouth Because Your Speech Is Slurred And I Bet You Might Just Swallow Your Tongue.

It's 09/09/09 and I couldn't resist posting on a date like today.

So since the 4th I've been to my college induction which was brilliant. I found out I have the most amazing form tutor ever - he's my brother's old media teacher and is one of those people who everyone seems to like. He looks like he's never actually left college, which, I suppose, he hasn't really.

I made a friend too! Her name's Beth and the only reason we started talking was because we were both too scared to go into the form room even though once we did we found people had already gone in and were sat down and ready. I was slightly embarrassed by this but hey ho.

I also found out that a girl from my old school is in my form which is nice to know although I've never really spoken to her and also a boy from my primary school who I haven't seen in years. The boy hasn't changed much facial-wise but he is a hell of a lot taller and also wears a lot more black. And I mean a LOT more black. It was nice to see him though.

I'm sure all the boys at college smell the same, lynx overkill I believe.

Derren Brown tonight. I can't wait. :3

Cause I Toss And I Turn And It Doesn't Feel Right.

So I've been trying to find different ways of making myself fall asleep and last night I was thinking about the next few days and what they'll bring. This got me thinking about how I could introduce myself to all the new people I'll meet and how they'll react. I then began to imagine the scene if one of my tutors made everyone introduce themselves in front of the class and if everyone had to talk about themselves for as long as possible. This then got me thinking about some people I know and how they could keep going and going and going. So then I thought "how long could I go on for?" as I don't really like to talk about me and just me for long periods of time. So I tried it and I ended up going on for 27 minutes (baring in mind this is me last night sat on my bed talking to myself). This is basically what I came up with:

I'm a harry potter junkie who is such a fangirl I spent 12 hours in London in the cold and the wet and the thunder just for a glimpse of the trio. I'm addicted to wonderland-themed things and would happily spend the rest of my days stuck at 5pm (tea-time) and be constantly have tea parties. I love formal wear including that sort of indie-kid-boy-band look with waistcoats and tophats and tail coats. I have an awful memory but I can sing every Panic at the Disco song word for word. Thanks to my dad I'm a fan of swing music and big band. I think the 1920's era was the most glamorous and beautiful and would like to have lived during that time. I love clocks and tophats and teacups and teapots and keys and little doors. I've always dreamt of having a secret door in my house; one that hidden in a bookcase and opens up to a much bigger room with whatever in. I talk to myself very often although it's more imagining what I would say in different situations. I don't function without tea. Crisps give me headaches. I have nosebleeds often. I can type fast then I can write with a Biro and piece of paper. I pretend I can draw when actually my people look more like turkey sprogs. I'm in love with Photoshop and Ronald Weasley. Oh, and Justin Long is pretty too. I have favourites. I don't hate people but I do dislike. I can't stand twilight fangirls, they ruined the series for me. Saying this, I'm a complete hypocrite as I used to be one before the films came out and the whole idea went crazy. Girls who say things along the likes of "Bite my Edward Cullen!" or "I have Cullenism!" should be shot in the head. Vampires. Don't. Sparkle. I've never seen Ghostbusters. I once did a free hugs campaign which is up on YouTube and was one of the best days of my life - I've never hugged so many half-naked, drunken stag parties. I like to volunteer. I'm originally from Shoreham-by-Sea which is near Brighton and I hope to move back to Brighton when I'm older. I say things just to shock people and draw attention to myself which annoys me to no end so if I do start saying things like "I'm dieting" or "look at my ribs" or "I'm going to cut all my hair off" just ignore me or tell me to shut up. I'm a closet goth who loves the whole grotesque side of things like photos of people bleeding or taking drugs. Saying this, I can't stand horror films. When I first watched Edward Scissorhands I had nightmares for 3 months. I paint my nails far too often. I read true-life-stories about child abuse but not because I'm some kind of sick and twisted adolescent but because when you read about a little boy who was abused by his mother and made into her slave and who had the skin on his arms burnt off with mixed bleaches it really brings you down to earth and makes you realise that your petty little problems really don't matter and there are more important things to worry about. I've met Grimmy, Annie Mac and Aled from Radio 1 and they're all lovely. The thought of childbirth makes me feel sick. I don't eat anything made out of pork because when I was younger I decided eating pigs was disgusting and cruel and now 3 or 4 years later I've figured I may as well continue not eating it. If I tried I think I could go veggie but not vegan. I love fairy tales and think Pan's Labyrinth is an amazing film. I love musicals for the simple reason that they make me happy. I'll give any genre of music a go but happy-silly-pop music is my favourite. I play ukulele but not very well. I can't sing. I've always been second-best next to my family and friends, never number one. I've always been the shorter-uglier friend compared to the people I know and I've come to accept it as second-best means no expectations. With hurtful things I say it doesn't bother me but it does, it really really does. I don't like confrontation and will be the first to walk away. I've never been drunk because I'm scared to let my guard down. I've only had one boyfriend which didn't last because I was an awful awful girlfriend. I get excited over the prospect of speaking to someone knew and if I had the choice I'd rather things chanced constantly rather they stayed the same day in day out. The moon makes me feel safe. I don't trust very easily. As soon as I find myself liking someone in a way that's counted as more-then-a-friend I find myself pushing them away for fear that I'll get hurt even though all I want to do is hold them close. But to be my friend all you need is decent conversation and to show a little interest. I love venetian masks. I like most animals but horses terrify me. Colours are pretty and my favourite changes with my mood. I get mood swings and I hate them. I've changed into so many things that I can't keep count. The latest being from a greeby-nobody in year nine to a geeky lass in year 10 to finally realising that I'd rather be someone pretty and happy in year 11 which is where I'm at now. I once planned to be spontaneous which was such an oxymoron. I stress a lot. I cried over my GCSE results for mixed reasons. I've left a lot out but now that I've said all this I feel quite selfish and would quite like to hear about who you are.

Takin' The B-A-T Out Of Basement, Homey

I've started listen to Bo Burnham more and it makes me happy. Go listen. It's not for the faint-hearted. But he is love. ♥

Wait.
What?
Start again.
Okay.
Hello hi!

I got my GCSE results last week. Although, I don't know why I said that. The only person that reads my blog goes to my school so what's the point really?

Stop being pessimistic. Pah.
This is a bad blog.

But I'm happy with my results! Well, most of them. I cried over my graphics result.

I'm tempted to delete that last sentence. Nobody needs to know about my sorry story. But I won't delete it now. I've moved on.

Oh, and the medieval festival I went to was brilliant too. I was lovely seeing my daddio for a while. Especially seeing as he's going on tour soon and I don't know when I'll see him next. Bummer.

But the festival. Yeah. First day, Friday. We turned up. And sorted stuff out. And looked around. And it was good! But not a lot happened seeing as the festival didn't start until the Saturday...

Speaking of Saturday, that was a fun day. We spent most of it wandering about watching the jousting and battles and canons and stuff. Good times.

Sunday was present day and I spent most of my money on things to decorate my room and gifts for the fam-fam. Yay Venetian masks and green leave men.

Monday was the last day. We went exploring. And it was gooood. The evening was funnier though. Seeing as it was the last day everyone who camps over (so basically the staff and the re-enactors) all congregate in the beer tent to have an almighty piss up. Me, Holly, my dad and people we were with were all at the bar when the falconer starts talking to us who had become quite good friends with my dad seeing as my dad's the sound guy who helps him out. As he's chatting, his son plus friend come over too. Now, this friend of the falconer's son (the son was named Josh but I ended up calling him bird-boy) has the most blood-shot eyes I've ever seen in that sort of "hey look how high I am" sort of way - it also didn't help that he was drunk out of his mind. Nice combination.

Anyway, bird-boy's friends begins to look at me and Holly in that so-called alluring way and my daddio sees (something I am most thankful for). My dad being the protective man that he is, turns around and says something along the lines of:
"If you ask what their ages are, I'll punch you."
This was all said with a laugh though, so it was a sort-of-joke-but-so-to-far-and-I-will-hit-you type of thing. Stoner boy looks at my dad like a scared rabbit and steps back asking
"What!? Why?"
So the falconer turns round and says
"Because with a son you only have to worry about one prick in town, but with a daughter you have to worry about every prick in town."
"And you're one of the pricks" my dad added. This worried the poor lad and my dad, seeing his advantage, decided to wind him up even more.
"Alright, I'll make you a deal. Guess which one of these girls is my daughter. It you're correct, I'll punch you. If you don't, I won't." he said laughing, holding his fist up in a mock-fighting pose.
"I don't know! I don't know!" Stoner boy said, going up a few decibels.
"Alright, you ready?" dad laughed as he geared up for the punch, only to drop his arm with a booming laugh as the boy skirted away to hide beside his friend.

All the while this was going on, bird-boy had managed to sly onto Holly and wrap his arm around her. I don't blame him either, she is very pretty. And Holly didn't seem to mind either. And although he was drunk, I'd rather it was him that Stoner boy. My dad, seeing this and being in his wind-up mode, decided to turn on them next. Not in a nasty way, just teasing them as most dads will.

The night ended up with Holly giving the guy her number then finding out that he wasn't 17 as he had told her but actually 22/23. How this was found out I have no idea so who knows how old he is...

It was a brilliant weekend though, thank you Holly for being made of awesome.