Let's Have Some FUn This Beat Is Sick

So it's official, this blog is just a place that I can vent about stupid teenage things. But hey, I don't care.

I don't care what you think,
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery

Yeah, Fall Out Boy. I'm rather loving their newish album Folie a Deux. But that's not the reason I'm blogging today.

I'm here to complain, again. Don't you hate it when you try really hard to look half-decent but when you turn up to where you're meeting everyone, they all look so much better then you? This might just be a girl thing seeing as we seem to have that whole "oh my god you're totally wearing the same thing as me" issue but you get what I mean.

Now I'm not saying that it's a crime for everyone to look amazing because let's be honest, it's quite nice to know you're accepted in a group that looks that good. But when you've tried your best to look good and no-one notices, it is a bit of a let down. Especially when there's a camera about and people are snapping photos. Great, not only do you feel like the ugly duckling compared to the people around you but now there's photo evidence of this heinous day.

Am I being incredibly shallow? I know I am. I can tell. I apologise for the "cringe worthy" blogging but this has happened to me so many times that it's hard to keep it in.

You know what else is one of the most awful put-downs ever? When you think of something that to you is quite brilliant but as soon as you tell someone they laugh. Can't they see the greatness behind it? Or when you have a test in school and as your marking it, the teacher tells you that your answer is a "stupid answer, why the hell did you write that?" It's so embarrassing and the way they say it makes you feel about 2mm tall.

Great, now I'm all depressed. How about we think about something more interesting then my pet peeves? How about that fact that I managed to get 3 tops for under £13? Pretty good I'd say.

Ugh, this has been such a girly blog. Let's stop here before I make your eyes bleed.

I Got Troubled Thoughts and the Self-Esteem to Match

Sick days; I hate them. They're so dull but you can't do anything about it as you feel to ill to do anything and can't summon the energy to. It sucks. Even more so when you realise that you have left over homework to do of the maths variety and you can't remember how to do the work. No matter how many times you look back at your old work from earlier lessons, you still don't understand. And then you find out you have double maths the next day. Oh life can be cruel.

I've been feeling so low lately; and not just because I'm not feeling 100%. I seem to have really low self-esteem for no reason at all. I mean, it's not like I have a bad life or anything, I'm not really enjoying it at the moment. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've become obsessed with changing but can't actually figure out how to. There are a few options I've thought of but have had to cross them off my list as they wouldn't be "suitable". Want me to run through a couple?

1. Dye my hair - a change in my hair colour could suddenly boost some confident and personality out of me. It might propel me into the type of person I want to be and sort everything out. On the other hand, last time I had a colour test I was allergic so I wouldn't even be able to dye it.
2. Lose weight - not a whole load, just a little bit so I would get the type of figure that everyone has on 90210. Personally, I'd love to look like that. Everyone says it's disgusting and no-one should look like that but deep down, I bet they would love to have a body like anyone on that TV show. But, know the people I know, they'll all just get angry at me for even thinking that. Sorry if I don't eat at school by the way, "I don't like eating at school."
3. Change my 'look'. But to do this I would have to buy new clothes, new make-up, new everything. And true that's exactly what I want but sadly, I don't have the money or the guts to revamp myself in such a short time. And I don't think many people would appreciate me changing what I am. They'll think I'm fake and a total loser and nobody want that.

So yeah, basically I'm screwed. I want to change, I really do, but I have no idea how to. I'm so desperate I've even looked on Wiki-How to see what kind of things other people do to change. But to be honest, it wasn't very helpful. Most of the time it was things like "Buy different clothes", "Change your hairstyle" or "See different people". Is it too much to ask to be able to completely change myself without upsetting or losing the people I hang out with?

Perhaps this whole saga goes down to the fact that it's January and a lot of people get what;s called "January Blues". I think it's just that. Oh yay, shoved back into the "toned down and normal" category of life. Isn't it fun!?

My answer: no. Definitely not fun.

Sleeping Through the Day 'Cause I Work All Night

I've finally found out what I'm terrified of; and it's the most stupid thing ever. Losing my Internet connection petrifies me. I couldn't keep up with all the thing I usually do; YouTube, bebo, myspace, blogger, deviant ART. It was awful.

Y'know what's even more sad? It made me realise that I spend my Friday nights on the computer waiting for people to come online. How awful is that? It's certainly no life. But this Friday was slightly different seeing as I had no Internet, instead I did homework. On a Friday night. On my own. But wait for it, not only did I do homework, I also did Graphics coursework! Now that's what you call geek.

Oh look, I managed to turn this blog into yet another complaining post. I'm so British, all I seem to do is complain. REALLY time for a change now. It's shocking.

Oh! News! I'm getting my ears pierced today. I asked my friend to hold my hand seeing as when I got them pierced the first time when I was about 7 I almost passed out. What fun. I think it's a bit silly how I'm getting my ears pierced at sixteen when some people I know are talking about getting tattoos for their birthday or stretching their ears to 16mm or telling tongue piercings. But no, I get my ears pierced at sixteen. Nothing too adventurous for me, I'm not cool enough for that yet.

I really hope I don't throw up or pass out today. That would just ruin my day.

I Cast a Spell Over the West to Make You Think of Me

I haven't had Internet connection for a day and I almost died. Does that make me a bad person or just addicted? Perhaps I need help. Y'know, it's probably just a seasonal thing. Winter can be increasingly boring and so without the Internet there's not a lot to do. It seems nowadays everything revolves around it.

I could have cried today in drama. We were told our grades for our coursework (that I performed on Tuesday) and turns out I got an A*. But what shocked me more was the fact that I got 98%. I never get that high a score. In fact, I think that's the highest grade I've ever got for anything. I'm still in shock. At lunch, I wanted to know what other people got just to make conversation but honestly didn't realise that it would sound boastful when I told them my score. Seriously, I didn't mean to sound as if I was better then anyone, I was just amazed and speechless that I got 98%. Like I said, I never get that.

Something else that happened today was during our mini-lesson that we have during lunch. Year 11 had an assembly about what the next few months were going to be like and Mr Hunt who was taking the assembly began talking about change. The whole way through I found myself agreeing with him. He kept saying things like "You have to change the way you do things to get different results" and I just thought "Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do". He was also going on about how we've changed over the years throughout our "school life". He asked us to think back to year 2, year 5, year 9 and so on. I couldn't help being reminded of how I was in year 8/9. It was horrendous. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I was such a greeb. How on earth did I think wearing my brother's hand-me-down hoodie and black skinnies could possibly make me interesting? I was incredibly fake and tried to fit in so much that it was just embarrassing. I wish now that someone had just taken me by the shoulders, shaken me and shouted "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" What a fool I was!

Things have changed now. I still see all the people I used to hang around with but to be honest, I'm glad I do. We can all laugh and cringe about how we were without explaining too much. We were all the same so none of us can complain. We're all such different people nowadays. I'm so happy I changed from what I was, but oddly, I still want to change. Does that make sense?

I Need You To Know That We'll Be Okay

Photoshop is one of my favourite applications. In fact, I think it is my favourite. I would crumple to pieces without it. However, recently I found something quite frightening that you can do with Photoshop. Something that all the magazines do to make the celebrities pretty. Something the gossip columns use to make their gossip worth while. Want to know what I found? I found out how to make you skinny. As in, really skinny. Anorexic skinny.

I edited a photo of mine that I took a while ago. Please bear in mind that I don't actually want to look like the edited image. I'm just proving a point over how much images can be edited to make you believe in something that isn't real. You ready? Okay, let's go:

Above is the original, unedited version. I'm not being cocky but I think I look quite healthy in this photo. I'm not over/underweight so not exactly green. So let's see what can be achieved with a little photoshop magic:

Now, if you think this look healthym you need your eyes checked. It's frighteningly thin. Fair enough if you are naturally thin but when you force yourself to be thin, that's not nice.

Scary stuff, huh?

Why Do You Look At Me That Way?

Sorry for the lack of updates. I just spent the last weekend in Brighton visiting the famfam and shopping. I love shopping in Brighton. There's so many different shops and people and the uniqueness of the whole this is really refreshing compared to all the chain shops you find in Bournemouth. The same H&M, the same TopShop, the same HMV. It's sickening. Whereas in Brighton you can take a trip down the Lanes or Bond Street and everything is just brilliant. I'm seriously thinking of moving back there when I'm old enough; just to get me out of Bournemouth and start again.

But before any of that can happen, I have college. And guess what? I got accepted on Friday to go to Brockenhurst! Whoop! I'll be studying Graphic Design, Media, Film and General Studies. I really can't wait. I'm so sick of school it's becoming unbearable. It's definitely time for something new. The great thing about Brock is that it's right in the middle of the forest. Sure, by the second month of being there I'll be sick of that too but who cares? It's right in the heart of the New Forest with friggin' ponies walking around the high street. I mean, c'mon, how cool is that!?

Whilst I was in Brighton I met up with one of my old friends. I haven't seen her in about 9 months which is crazy. I was surprised how much both of us seemed to have changed over the months. She's a year older then me but we never noticed it before. But now I sort of realised how much of a college girl she is. It's brilliant, she seems so happy! She hasn't changed so much that she's unrecognisable but you can tell she's changed.

I really want to redecorate my room soon. Perhaps not completely redecorate but repaint it. It's purple at the moment but because my room gets a lot of sun the paints sort of faded. I was thinking of painting it bright green or orange. I had it orange before and it was really nice. Well, I thought it was, my mother wasn't to pleased I don't think. Perhaps I'll go for yellow instead? I'm rather fond of yellow. It's such a happy colour. What'd'you think? Comment!

I'm Gonna Burn It Down, Down, Down.

"At least you can relax now...sometime without exams."

I totally agree with the above statement! I finished my two exams that I had this week: business and science (chemistry). I failed epically at both I think. I figured I was more stressed about my mocks that I had a few weeks ago then these "real" exams. Silly, isn't it?

I have my college interview tomorrow - how exciting! Plus that means a day off school. There's not really much point going in if a) I've already done all my exams and b) I would have to leave at 10am anyway. Moving on, yay college! I went to the opening evening again yesterday and I can't wait to go. I'm so sick of school it's becoming unbearable. There's so many silly rules. For example; no eating in corridors, no hot drinks, etc. Pointless.

I'm sick of talking about school. Let's play a game. A game where we let our minds make up stories and distant lands. I do this when I can't sleep; make up my own land. I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you have to decided the answers. But none of them can be the same as how the earth is now. If that makes sense. You'll understand soon enough. I'll answer the questions with my answers as we go.

What colour's the sky?
Orange with streaks of pink clouds; the kind you get when the sun's setting and you know that tomorrow is going to be a lovely day.

What kind of land is it?
Fields. Lots of open fields with the perfectly green grass. But no mud. Mud ruins it. It's all gorgeous bright green grass with red and white picnic blankets scattered here and there.

Who lives in this land?
Me of course. And people I like. People that care. People that smile. People who don't talk about sex 24/7. People who keep people laughing. People that don't complain and appreciate what they have.

What's the weather like?
Warm; always warm. The sun shines but there's places of shade. Trees cast long shadows on the grass for people to sit.

What's there to eat and drink?
Anything you want. At the moment there are mountains of chocolate digestives and hot pockets. Kegs of not beer but tea. Hot tea made from Twinnings.

Is there t.v.? If so what programs are on?
Of course there's t.v. - and Stephen Fry presents the good episodes of QI along with Alan Davis. Nevermind the Buzzcocks is on in the afternoons and in the mornings, Whose Line is it Anyway previews. Scrubs can be caught at midday.

Where do people live?
In clouds or, if there's groups of people, in mansions in which every room holds at least one dressing-up box. If you want a holiday, go camping.

What do people wear?
Theatre clothes. Top hats and tailcoats. Masks and dresses. Shorts and waistcoats. Anything so long as they're comfortable.

When it rains, what does it rain?
It hardly ever rains but when it does, purple rain splashed down on people's cheekbones. People dance and sing in the rain. It's a happy time, not one to run inside and cry that your hair is going to frizz.

Anything paranormal?
There are no vampires here. Or wizards. Or unicorns. But there are ghosts. Ghosts that aren't your usual Casper. Ghosts that are troubled but find a happy place in my wonderland.

Did you make you own land? Was it fun? Do you like your land or just find this a waste of time? If it's a waste of time, why did you read it? Fools.

I think it's time to stop daydreaming. I've been in my own mind for the past week. It's time to climb back down again.

But I don't want to. I want to wander around in my wonderland. I want to dance in the purple rain and smile and laugh along with Ryan Stiles. I want to go camping and sit in the long shadows.

Take me away? Take me away to that wonderful place.

Hate Is A Strong Word But...

Business exams suck. It would be so much better if they could take the highest score between your real and your mock exams. That way I could get an A* instead of the horrible D I'm going to get. Not saying that a D is a bad grade, I mean it could be worse. But when your predicted something higher, it's not too good. Why the hell did I choose Business as an option!? Bleugh.

Other then that, I have nothing to write about. :(
How about a myspace survey instead?

1.

Would you date someone who smokes?
Really doesn't bother me so long as they don't try to make me smoke.

2.

Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
Depends what drug? Caffine? Sure. Cocaine? Maybe not.


3.

Would you date the same sex?
Probably not :/ I'm not homophobic, just straight. ^.^

4.

Whats your biggest turn off?
Self-centred people. Or someone who was my complete opposite or complete double.

5.

Whats your biggest turn on, physically?
A really nice smile. :)


6.

Where would you go on the first date?
Rock climbing!


7.

Most hurtful relationship?
I haven't had a hurtful relationship...


8.

Ever regretted breaking up with someone?
I've never actually broken up with someone...

9.

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
Nopey.

10.

Do you miss any of your exes?
Not really. :)

11.

Whats your biggest turn on, NOT physically?
A sense of humor and being spontaneous are high up on that list. Along with general friendliness.

12.

Are you single now?
Single as the last unbroken crayon.


13.

What is the sweetest thing someone you dated did for you?
:| I don't know.

14.

Last time you got flowers?
Yeah, never. Valentine's Day anyone? ^.^


15.

Are you ready to get into a serious relationship right now?
No thank you! Not for a few years yet.


16.

Do you like cuddling?
Yeah! But I can't stand the word, makes me feel ill.

17.

Do you hold grudges?
Sometimes? But only for a few minutes.



18.

Do you regret dating anyone?
Nope. "Never regret something that once made you smile" and all the silly other stuff.

19.

Hugs or kisses?
Both.

20.

Missing someone?
Not at all. :)


21.

Most important lesson you have learned from dating?
Haha. Laugh more.


22.

What does it take to get you on a date?
A compliment and a smile.

23.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Surely that would depend how your relationship was going? But atm, single's okay I guess.
Ha. Don't believe me. Being single sucks, everyone knows that.

24.

Whats the most important thing in a relationship?
Communication! And actually liking the other person.

25. What would make you break up with someone...no questions asked?
Cheating.


26.

Have you ever loved someone who did not love you back?
Everyone has surely? So yeah. I have.

27.

Favorite ex?
SUCH a
stupid question. How can you have favourites over ex's!?

28.

How important are looks?
Everyone says they're not important but I'm going to say the truth. They very important. To everyone. Hate to break it to you but the first thing you notice in a person is the way they look; unless of course you're blind...
Moving on, if you think someone is freakishly good looking, you're going to be more likely to talk to them. There's nothing wrong with that so long as you don't go judging everyone straight away just over their looks. It's human nature to want to be around people who look good because it makes you feel good about yourself. So yeah, looks do count but only to a point.

29.

How do you know when you are in love?
Butterflies? The earth turns upside down? The sky rains those little candy hearts? Yeah, I have no idea.

30.

Do you consider yourself shy?
Haha, yeah. Around someone I like I am.


31.

Would you rather date someone who was SUPER-hot or someone who was SUPER-nice?
Both? Not at the same time but as one person?

32.

If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?
I don't know, I've never been in love. Probably? Maybe? Only one way to find out.


33.

Have you ever been ashamed of anyone you were dating?
Noo. If I was I wouldn't have agreed to go out with them.

34.

Do you currently want to date?
Yes please.


35.

Thing that made you the happiest today?
If I wrote the real answer it'll scare you away. So let's just go with the second best: Graphics lesson!

36.

Would you ever date anyone your parents disapproved of?
Yeah, I just wouldn't get them to meet. ^.^

37.

Do you stay friends with the people you date?
Urgh. difficult one.
Wish I could.

38.

Favorite memories?
On dating or in general?
Dating: being asked out for the first time.
Generally: having laughing fits with people.

39.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
Naah. Too much effort. Sorry. I'll move on.

40.

Do you kiss on the 1st date?
That would depend pn how much I liked them. :)


41.

Would you date someone A LOT older or younger than you?
No thanks. A couple of years maybe but not a lot older.


42.

Have you ever been lied to?
Everyone has.

43.

Ever been cheated on?
I really hope not. :/

44.

Do you think the word love is overused?
Nah. Love is a lovely thing.

45.

Ever been called a whore?
Maybe? I don't know.

Wasn't that fun? Now I feel sick. Great one.

That's Not The Way I Want My Story To End

Warning: This post is not for the weak-stomach.

Firstly, that party I was talking about last time was brilliant. Much larking around and such. Twas a bit of a goodun'. That was until some point past midnight when we were all upstairs tucked into our make-shift beds slowly falling asleep one by one. Everything was perfectly fine until I heard the person next to me (I won't name names, that's harsh) suddenly gags. I opened my eyes to be greeted with splat on the side of my face. Yup, she'd been sick on me. Now, if you've never been puked up on, I don't recommend it. Half my face and part of my hair stunk of God know what and better yet, the bedding between us was covered in the rest of it. Strangely, the sick included whole - yes whole - peas. When questioned about it, the culprit explained that she doesn't chew peas. Very odd.

If feel so sorry for the poor friend of mine who was ill. It's awful throwing up at someone's house. Se felt so guilty bless her, although there wasn't a lot she could do at the time. I mean, you don't really plan to be sick, do you? Well, not in this case anyway. I feel bad for the people who had to clean it up too! Whilst I was in the bathroom washing off, a few people had gathered the remains of the bedding and when I came out again I found one person feeling ill themselves as they had to sit holding a wrapped up duvet and if they let go it would have gone everywhere.

You have to admit though, it was quite an eventful night. And even though at the time I was repulsed, thinking back it is actually very funny. Projectile vomited on by someone who had had too much to drink and doesn't chew their peas. Yummy.

Oh, and one last word from the culprit:
"You don't even know Steve!"

Let's Go Crazy, Oh No Let's Go.

My uke's out of tune and it depresses me that my brother's lost his tuner. I'm going have have to wait until a) I go to numbers to get it tuned or b) Ted finds his tuner. It's so annoying because I want to show that I can actually play the uke and I'm not just talk. Blah. Oh dear, I'm complaining again...sorry.

On a brighter note, I have a party tomorrow! Happy Birthday Sophie (who's birthday was on Wednesday). Oh my lord, that reminds me, Sophie's house! It's incredible. All the rooms have really high ceilings and the rooms themselves are massive. Her whole house is just so homely and pretty. AND what I find the coolest part, she actually has a dressing up box. It's just one of those things that are always talked about but no-one seems to have but she does! It's such a Sophie-thing. -Big grin in Sophie's direction-

I have a question for anyone who read this blog of mine; if you could change your first name to anything, what would you change it to? Comment in the tag box. I've been asked this twice this week: once from my mum and once from Holly. I honestly have no idea what I would change mine to. Probably something like Isabelle or Kaitlin; something that couldn't be confused with anything else but can also be shortened. For example people often mix up my name with "Britney" when it's actually "Brittany". I don't mind, I just find it a bit silly. But honestly, if I had the choice I wouldn't change my name. I'd just start introducing myself with one of my nicknames. People would soon catch on.

I'm thinking of decorating one of my walls with a load of postcards, tickets and photos to make my room look a little more interesting. The thing is, I don't want it to look all messy. But then if it did look messy I could always take it all down again. I don't know, maybe I'll do it on Sunday.

Take These Words I Spill onto this Page

I've managed to learn (roughly) two songs on my uke now! If I could sing I'd record them for people to hear but seeing as I can't it's not going to happen. But if you happen to pass my path one day and I have a uke in hand, feel free to ask me to play something. I'd be honored so long as you don't laugh at my failing voice and spikey uke playing.

I have so much revision to do I feel like it's eating me. I only have two exams to do but c'mon! It takes so much effort to do revision - or any work for that matter - right after the Christmas holidays. Sure, I'd prefer to take some of the exam load off for June by doing some of them in January but it's still...January!? You would have thought they would realize that no-one wants to do anything after Christmas for at least 2 -3 months.

I've noticed how my blog has slowly become just a place to let of steam. I'm sorry about that, it can't be very interesting listening to some random teenager from the UK blab on about how boring and horrible her life is and how she wants to change so badly. I'd say "I'll make it up to you by stopping all that rubbish" but it would be a lie. Sorry, my blog, my rules.

Oh I sound like such a spoilt brat when I say things like that. I am really sorry for all my pointless blabbing over pointless things. I would try to stop but it's too addictive to talk about...well let's face it...myself. What a heartless, self-absorbed little whats-it I am. Sorry sorry sorry. It's late and I'm getting cranky.

Excuses excuses.

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport

Today I'm actually quite proud of myself. I'm back at the gym with the school so I can start toning up again and also - get ready for it - I can officially play a song on the ukulele! The song's "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" by Rolf Harris. Not my usual song of choice but seeing as it only have 3 chords to play I figured it would be an easy one to start with. And it was! I'm so happy I've actually managed to learn a song all by myself! I'm not exactly the most musical person so this is quite an achievement. My next challenge: "Keep Fishin" by Weezer. Wish me luck?

I haven't really got a lot to blog about today other then that so I'll keep it short and leave you with this:

Exlax :P :
Ohh yeess - we did colouring and everything!

Dr. Everything-Will-Be-Alright :
Awwh. ^.^

Exlax :P :
And danced around to ABBA but let's not go there.

Pet Peeves and Stomach Cramps

Stomach cramps hurt so much. You'd think that by have a lovely hot bath that would get better but no, they're just worse now. Paain. Make it go away!?

Now that we've got a new dog, my mum & step dad are like new parents. They're so stressed that something would be done exactly how they do it that they tell everyone step-by-step how to feed, stroke, pet, etc. the poor pup. I was on dog-sitting duty this afternoon and to be honest it's really simple. You wait until he wakes up, take him outside for a poop, play with him for a bit and then put him back to bed. Now, seeing as I've never had a dog before, John (my step dad) thought I wouldn't have a clue what to do but c'mon, everyone knows that if it's dark outside it's easier to put a light on outside to see what's going on. Urgh, annoys me so much when people think you won't know how to do something when it's obviously easy.

^ My puppy ^

Another pet peeve of mine is when you're having an absolutely amazing dream but your alarm goes off just as you get to the best part. It's so frustrating because you know you'll never have the same dream again because it was so good. It's like if you forget to watch a certain t.v. show - for example the final of a series - and you also forget to record it so you have no way of watching it because none of your friends watch the same program and there's only parts of it on the Internet; it's such a let down.

Moving on from pet peeves now. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Time to tone up after Christmas. I go to the gym of Wednesdays or Fridays and go running on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays starting tomorrow. I'll be in shape in no time...hopefully...

I Just Need a Compass and a Willing Accomplice

It surprises me when I find out people actually read what I write or watch what I vlog. I don't really expect it. I mean sure, I want people to read what I have to say and perhaps reply every so often but when someone I know tells me they like my blog I almost have a heart attack. Seeing as most the people I know don't blog/vlog, I didn't expect anyone to take any notice of the URL in my pm on MSN but someone did and for that thank you; it made my day.

Did I mention that I got a puppy on Saturday? An Irish wolfhound. Yeah, he's gonna be a biggun. His name's Whizz and my mum only realised after we'd named him that it was slang for Speed or Cocaine. Ha-ha. I found it quite hilarious seeing as my dear mother's quite against all of that. Oh well.

A downside of having a new pet: I now smell of dog. I have to keep changing my clothes say I can't stand the smell. It's not his fault, he's just a puppy after all but I notice and I'm really not used to it. Also my cats are really jealous of him getting all the attention. I have to keep making sure I make extra effort to hug them or give them that little bit of extra attention.

"Dr Everything-Will-Be-Alright. says:
Exactly XD It's so silly: I'm planning to be spontaneous"

I'm such an idiot. How can I possibly change if I plan to? If I want to become this person I dream of I'm not supposed to plan but it's in my nature. I need someone to take the lead for once but someone who will get things done. My ego's creeping out again. Want to know a secret? I often find it hard to let people take over as I prefer to do things myself. Say for example I'm working in a group of people; I get worried that whoever is "Team Leader" will forget to do something so I remind them constantly. I stress that if I don't tell them, we'll fail. But I never offer to be "Leader". I'm so self-centred and stressed that I freak out over the simplest things. I'd rather do the work by myself then have to work in a group. I'm not saying I can't work in a group, I can. I just find it easier to work individually. Now that's what you call ego. Sickening, isn't it?

How did we get so mean?

Do you ever wish you could be someone completely different? Maybe because you don't like your appearance or your voice or you taste in music. Maybe the person you want to be is, in your opinion, perfect. A shiny star in a dull, cloudy night, the patch of green in a dead field, the kiss at the end of a letter, a smile when you're feeling low. You get what I mean.

I want to be different. I'm sick of the label I've managed to stick onto myself. I tired of people knowing exactly what to expect when they talk to me or meet me. People realising straight away the type of person I am. I wish I could go right back to before it all started and begin again. I'd change things; I'd make decisions for myself not let other people influence me. I'd laugh along rather then feeling embarrassed and I'd erase summer 2006 completely. That was such an awful time.

But then if I did that I wouldn't know the people I know now. I'd be some freaky girl who doesn't speak. Someone stuck in the same place with no choice which the way her life is going. But isn't that exactly how I feel now? Stuck as a stereotype with no choice.

I'm going to change and I don't want anyone to hold me back. I want to be pushed head first into a new me. A new start. College is too far away to wait for it to change me. I have to start now. Good bye old self, hello new person. Anyone willing to help? I need people to rely on, to help me on my way. Someone to say "Yeah, okay, great idea" not "You're insane, why do you want to change, I like you how you are!".

That’s part of the problem. People don't like change. I welcome it with open arms. Any change is good - even when it's bad. A break-up or a death, they change you. But you move on. I want a lot of change, a massive one. One that's unstoppable and alters everything. I want everything to change. Not everyone, just everything. New ideas, new laughs, new people. New and different and fun.

New Year's Resolution

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you had a wonderful last few days of 2008 and let's hope 2009 is even better then last year, eh?

I've finally decided on my New Year's Resolution; even if it is a bit late - it beeing the 3rd of January and all. I've decided I want a change. I change in myself. I want to be more spontaneous and fun. I hate how at the moment I plan everything. I go through every detail to make sure it's all a-okay and analyse the parts I'm not too sure on. For example; the other day I had to get the bus to my friend's house and I'd never caught the bus to over where she lives before. Because of this I had my mum pront out a list of bus times for me so I would know when I had to be at the bus stop. I asked 3 different people which bus stop I had to go from - just to make sure I had the right one. And even when the bus did turn up I had to ask the driver if it went to where I wanted to go. Perhaps I have a little bit of OCD? I'm not sure. But one think I do know is that I'm going to try to stop. I want to be able to do something without planning every detail. I want to go somewhere just for the hell of it; not because I have to. I want people to realise that I am changing for the better and that I'm not some boring 16-going-on-47 year old who has to make sure everything is perfect before I even think of doing something.

When I saw my dad a few days ago, he said I was getting old too quickly because I told him I liked Michael Buble. Now I think he might be right; I'm growing old before my time! I'm not saying 47 is old but you get what I mean.

You know what else I want to be able to do? I want to go to a party without being the chaperone. I want to have fun not run around making sure no-one breaks anything or anyone. I don't even have partiesl I go to other peoples. You see how sad that is? I'm sixteen and I've never had a "proper" party.

Thinking about it properly, there's actually a few things I want to achieve this year. How about I list them? Spontaneously.

• go on a rollercoaster
• eat a strawberry
• eat a kiwi
• eat more fruit in general
• party on down
• stop analysing things
• stop drawing attention to myself so much
• volunteer
• get a boyfriend?

Ignore the last one. That's my silly girly side rearing it's ugly head again. On a serious note (or maybe not so serious once you've read what I'm about to write), I've never eaten a strawberry, or a kiwi, or a melon, or a grape, or an orange. In fact the only fruits I've eaten are apples and bananas. Seriously. I'm so adventurous. :/

Okay, it's definiately time for a change. Starting from right now. I'm going to write a list of things I want to achieve this year and cross them off as I go; or add to it if need be. Wish me luck?