Do you ever get the feeling that there are people in your life who are just better then you? Don't worry, I'm not going to go on about how I hate it and how jealous I am. No, fair from it.
I love it when those people who, I'll admit, I can be afraid of at time because they have so much power and influence over people, but when they just turn and smile at you kindly or agree with what you're saying or laugh at your joke. It not them being nasty, they're genuinely being kind to you. I love that, it makes me feel respected and even slightly privileged to be included in their happy, shiny life.
But moving on from that, I'm sure you don't really understand what I'm going on about - who knows, you might be one of those people yourself.
The sun was out today and it made me happy. The vitamin D shining down on my skin make my outlook happier; and I needed in too with the day I had. But I won't scare you off by going through it. Lets just say it wasn't one of the best days I've had.
I'm so excited for college; I just can't stop thinking about it. I seem to be relating everything to it. Want an example? How about whenever we have a conversation it always seems to be about similar things but at college there's a whole bucket load of new conversations to unfold with new people, new scenery, new everything.
A while back I was talking about how I wish everything would change and now that college is just 5 short months away I'll be able to get that change. To meet new people, see new things, experience new heights. I really cannot wait for that. I'm not saying that I won't miss my friends and "old life" but for a chance of change to finally happen is the happiest news I've heard in a long time.
29 April 2009
28 April 2009
Empty Pockets Tell A Story
Clouds, rainbows, sugar drops, satellites, spell check, holding you at arms length and regrets. The most interesting things crop up in my mind just as I'm falling asleep. I'm glad I wrote them down. I can't explain most of them but I know exactly where the last two came from. Shall I explain? But promise me no names. I'm not allowed to embarrass you even if you embarrassed me. We're different you see, too different.
I'm sorry I made you lie. I'm sorry I irritated you. I'm sorry I'm not like those other girls you know who are interesting and real. I'm sorry you had to spend that month and a half with me when I know that as soon as it started you wanted out. Mostly I'm sorry that through all that time I held you away and ruined everything.
Let me explain but it won't be easy. I don't understand it, it's something completely out of my control. When you weren't around, all I wanted to do was find you, see you, smile with you, hold you close and never let go. But as soon as you appeared, as soon as you found me, saw me, smiled with me, all I wanted to do is hold you back, run away, hide from you like a child. I wanted to keep you at arms length so you couldn't hurt me. I wanted you to stay away but at the same time stay as close as possible. I was on a yo yo, near one second then in a blink of an eye I was rolling away, trying to break free.
I regret everything. From that moment I was with you to the moment I wasn't. But you have to know it's not my fault. I'm not blaming you for everything but for some things I am. You embarrassed me and it sounds silly and pointless but that is the one thing that will cause that massive gap that separated us to grow. I thought I'd forget about it, about those nine short words you said to me that afternoon but they still haunt me even seven months on. I can't sleep because of it. I find myself bolting awake thinking I'm reliving those 30 seconds. I hate it but I will never be able to explain it to you face to face. You won't get it and you'll get end up telling someone. Perhaps one of your friends - y'know, they ones that I now have nothing to do with because I can't stand to be reminded of those ugly times.
So you know what, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to realise how cold I can be. Thank you for showing how lonely I really am. Thank you for scaring me into being alone for fear that I'll do exactly the same thing to the next person. Thank you very much.
At least it's stopped raining now.
I'm sorry I made you lie. I'm sorry I irritated you. I'm sorry I'm not like those other girls you know who are interesting and real. I'm sorry you had to spend that month and a half with me when I know that as soon as it started you wanted out. Mostly I'm sorry that through all that time I held you away and ruined everything.
Let me explain but it won't be easy. I don't understand it, it's something completely out of my control. When you weren't around, all I wanted to do was find you, see you, smile with you, hold you close and never let go. But as soon as you appeared, as soon as you found me, saw me, smiled with me, all I wanted to do is hold you back, run away, hide from you like a child. I wanted to keep you at arms length so you couldn't hurt me. I wanted you to stay away but at the same time stay as close as possible. I was on a yo yo, near one second then in a blink of an eye I was rolling away, trying to break free.
I regret everything. From that moment I was with you to the moment I wasn't. But you have to know it's not my fault. I'm not blaming you for everything but for some things I am. You embarrassed me and it sounds silly and pointless but that is the one thing that will cause that massive gap that separated us to grow. I thought I'd forget about it, about those nine short words you said to me that afternoon but they still haunt me even seven months on. I can't sleep because of it. I find myself bolting awake thinking I'm reliving those 30 seconds. I hate it but I will never be able to explain it to you face to face. You won't get it and you'll get end up telling someone. Perhaps one of your friends - y'know, they ones that I now have nothing to do with because I can't stand to be reminded of those ugly times.
So you know what, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to realise how cold I can be. Thank you for showing how lonely I really am. Thank you for scaring me into being alone for fear that I'll do exactly the same thing to the next person. Thank you very much.
At least it's stopped raining now.
27 April 2009
I Was Just In The Middle Of A Dream
It's raining. Why does it have to rain? I want to run in the sun. I want to play under to moon in a cloudless sky. But I can't. Because it's raining. The wind picks up again; bending the trees and pushing the mist off the tops of the houses forming a breath of clean water.
The wind forced the clouds away but it still rains. The sun peeks out, careful as not to disturb the peace. Maybe there will be a rainbow. I hope so; there hasn't been one in such a long time. I can see blue skies over the sea but where I am hovers black clouds. Monstrous; dominating. A sign?
Perhaps it's telling me that once I get out of this dark cloud I'll be home free to somewhere happy. Somewhere calm. It's a shame I'm still in the cloud. It's brightening up though. Everything is getting better.
The rain just started again. The blue sky is fading. I jumped too soon and missed my landing. I moved too slowly and got hit by that bullet. No happy ending here, just an endless cloud of black.
So instead of playing under the moonlight and instead of running in the sun; I sit inside, cold, eating to make me fat. Chocolate, biscuits, cereal, unhealthy. Podgy, it's such a disgusting word. Fat: that word's even worse. Obese; I just don't understand how people manage to get like that.
Oh look, the rain's slowed down and the blue skies and peeking out; controlling, dictating. I hope they reach me, I'd prefer blue skies to rain. I can see a rainbow outside. It showed for us. Quick, make a wish before it disappears again. Optical illusion. Almost gone, the cloud ate it. At least the rain's gone now. Out comes the blue - it's so pretty.
Time to go, I have to run in the sunlight.
The wind forced the clouds away but it still rains. The sun peeks out, careful as not to disturb the peace. Maybe there will be a rainbow. I hope so; there hasn't been one in such a long time. I can see blue skies over the sea but where I am hovers black clouds. Monstrous; dominating. A sign?
Perhaps it's telling me that once I get out of this dark cloud I'll be home free to somewhere happy. Somewhere calm. It's a shame I'm still in the cloud. It's brightening up though. Everything is getting better.
The rain just started again. The blue sky is fading. I jumped too soon and missed my landing. I moved too slowly and got hit by that bullet. No happy ending here, just an endless cloud of black.
So instead of playing under the moonlight and instead of running in the sun; I sit inside, cold, eating to make me fat. Chocolate, biscuits, cereal, unhealthy. Podgy, it's such a disgusting word. Fat: that word's even worse. Obese; I just don't understand how people manage to get like that.
Oh look, the rain's slowed down and the blue skies and peeking out; controlling, dictating. I hope they reach me, I'd prefer blue skies to rain. I can see a rainbow outside. It showed for us. Quick, make a wish before it disappears again. Optical illusion. Almost gone, the cloud ate it. At least the rain's gone now. Out comes the blue - it's so pretty.
Time to go, I have to run in the sunlight.
12 April 2009
A New Angle
So I'm fed up with blog the normal way. Y'know, writing down what I did, how it made me feel etc. Instead, I'm going to give you all a nice little tutorial on airbrushing in photoshop. Fun, right!?
Now with this tutorial I'm going to be using Photoshop CS3 but don't worry if you don't have this type of photoshop or you have a completely different photo editing program, you should still be able to apply the same step but the tools may be in different places. However this tutorial will not work for MS Paint, Paint.net or any other basic paint program - sorry!
First of you'll going to have to open up your photo in photoshop. My photo is one from Christmas but please just ignore this fact! Also, if you need to view the image larger just right click >> Properties >> copy and url >> paste in the address bar.
Next we are going to get the Healing Brush Tool which is the seventh icon down on the tools bar. If you cannot see this tool then right click on whichever tool is number 7 and it will appear in the dropdown menu.
With this tool we are going to get rid of any shineyness, spots or blemishes. To do so, alt-click on a piece of skin that is close to the area you are going to edit but is blemish free and your natural skin tone. Once you have selected the skin, click onto the blemish to heal it. Keep in mind that your brush size should be big enough to just fit over the blemish or smaller.
Once we have finished getting rid of any marks or "bad parts" on the skin, we can airbrush the image. For this step we have to reduse the noise of the photo. To reduse the noise go to: filter >> noise >> reduce noise. A pop-up box should then appear:
With this box open, I had my settings as the following:
Strength: 10
Preserve Details: 10%
Reduce Colour Noise: 0%
Sharpen Details: 69%
However, depending on the quality of your photo your settings may differ. Just mess around with the settings until you are happy.
To ultra-edit your photo you can also click on "Advanced" (show below) and change the settings per channel. For this photo I had all the advanced settings at:
Strength: 10
Preserve Details: 60%
Once you have finished with the settings, click "OK". And voila! You've successfully airbrushed your photo!
If you feel confident enough you could also try adding things such as eyelashes etc. But these types of things (e.g. brushes) have to be downloaded.
Hope this helped! Happy Easter everyone.
Now with this tutorial I'm going to be using Photoshop CS3 but don't worry if you don't have this type of photoshop or you have a completely different photo editing program, you should still be able to apply the same step but the tools may be in different places. However this tutorial will not work for MS Paint, Paint.net or any other basic paint program - sorry!First of you'll going to have to open up your photo in photoshop. My photo is one from Christmas but please just ignore this fact! Also, if you need to view the image larger just right click >> Properties >> copy and url >> paste in the address bar.
Next we are going to get the Healing Brush Tool which is the seventh icon down on the tools bar. If you cannot see this tool then right click on whichever tool is number 7 and it will appear in the dropdown menu.
With this tool we are going to get rid of any shineyness, spots or blemishes. To do so, alt-click on a piece of skin that is close to the area you are going to edit but is blemish free and your natural skin tone. Once you have selected the skin, click onto the blemish to heal it. Keep in mind that your brush size should be big enough to just fit over the blemish or smaller.
Once we have finished getting rid of any marks or "bad parts" on the skin, we can airbrush the image. For this step we have to reduse the noise of the photo. To reduse the noise go to: filter >> noise >> reduce noise. A pop-up box should then appear:
With this box open, I had my settings as the following:
Strength: 10
Preserve Details: 10%
Reduce Colour Noise: 0%
Sharpen Details: 69%
However, depending on the quality of your photo your settings may differ. Just mess around with the settings until you are happy.
To ultra-edit your photo you can also click on "Advanced" (show below) and change the settings per channel. For this photo I had all the advanced settings at:
Strength: 10
Preserve Details: 60%
Once you have finished with the settings, click "OK". And voila! You've successfully airbrushed your photo!
If you feel confident enough you could also try adding things such as eyelashes etc. But these types of things (e.g. brushes) have to be downloaded.
Hope this helped! Happy Easter everyone.
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