I haven't been keeping up with my subscriptions. I've been dreaming and fantasizing instead. I almost wrote about one of my little dreams the other day but when I tried to explain it just sounded silly and immature. But these little imaginings aren't rude or anything. They're just little things I wish could happen.
The thing is when I look back at what I've been dreaming of, I know it's never going to happen. It's all in my head and no boy is like that in the real world. Or maybe they are but not around me?
Then this thought makes me feel quite lonely. Really lonely. I see my friends finding people or meeting people new and interesting and all I'm seeing for myself is being stuck in a loop, not breaking out of the boundaries or stepping out of the same old thing. I'm terrified that I'm going to be that sad girl that everyone sees as their friend but never think of anything else.
And yet...
I'm too scared to let my shield down. Just as I'm getting used to everyone and everything around me, it get's shaken up again. I say I love change, and I do, I really really do, but this is time it's shaken my confidence so much I don't know what to do.
The thought of being with someone is so uplifting but at the same time is worries me. My last 'relationship' didn't exact go to plan and I know why. I'm too scared that I'll do the same things again and I'll ruin it all over again. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden to somebody.
The person I talk about this kind of stuff do is so happy and bubbly at the moment I don't want to dash her happiness. She's just got herself a boyfriend, see what I mean about people I know finding partners?
So what do I do? Do I ignore all this and hope the feelings will go away? Do I open up a little more and take the chance of getting hurt? Or do I bury myself in self pity and ruin my own life along with the people around me?
I wish I was like I was before. When I didn't care what people thought because I was happy with myself. But instead I'm angry at myself for letting these feelings over run. I'm annoyed I can't face the facts and get on with living. I'm furious with myself for being too scared to start living like normal teenagers do. I'm upset that rather then talking about this with someone I've started to turn against myself. I'm finding flaws in everything I do. A year ago my face was thinner, now I see how much weight I've put on over the summer. I'm disgusted by myself and feel as if the people I'm meeting are thinking the same things I am about myself.
Am I being selfish? Or conceited? Maybe I just need a slap to wake me up.
I wish I had someone here with me. Friends are amazing and the best things in the world, and yes, they would come first before any boyfriend I may have but they don't give off the same energy as a boyfriend does; that sense of protection and affection.
Maybe I will just bury these feelings, it's a lot easier then explaining.
27 September 2009
16 September 2009
You're A First Time Vegan And It's Nice To Meet Ya
College college college! Oh it's amazing but so so tiring.
I have such a strange timetable:
Monday:
Free, photography, break, photography, enrichment, lunch, double media.
Tuesday:
Film studies, graphics, break, graphics, free, lunch, photography, free.
Wednesday:
Graphics, film studies, break, film studies, media, lunch, free, free.
Thursday:
Photography, free, break, free, tutor, lunch, free, free.
Friday:
Media, free, break, free, free, lunch, film studies, graphics.
See what I mean? In total I have 12 free periods.
If I didn't have a tutor period lesson 4 on Thursday I could go home after first lesson, but no.
And I have a 3 hours on free time in a row on Friday's. I'm tempted to go home and come back again then, I mean, what am I going to do for 3 hours in the middle of the new forest?
And then there's the lessons themselves.
Graphics - I thought this was going to be amazing. So far I've failed at both lessons. First of all we had to draw from still life and mine turned out awful. I cannot draw to save my life. And secondly we had to edit these images in photoshop. Now, I can use photoshop and I'm pretty confident with it but when there's a hot nerd sat next to you who's about a million times better then you it's a little difficult to a) concentrate and b) actually do anything worthwhile. I'm so used to editing photos of people that I found editing my crap drawing of I-don't-know-what was really difficult! So far, graphics is a fail. But I refuse to give up!
Photography - I'm not too sure what to think so photography yet. My teacher for starters is skitzophrenic, one minute he'll be all teacher-mode and be saying things like "Don't be late to my class or I'll kick you off the course!" and then the next moment he'll be laughing and joking about random things. Plus I haven't finished my work from last lesson which I should probably do but I just don't know where to begin. Gah. Bad times. And we haven't even taken any photos yet.
Media - I am loving media at the moment. Our first task is to make a short film about a subject of our choice and although we haven't started this yet I can guarantee it'll be fun...if not a little stressful because after all, I can't do anything without stressing over it. Aha. Thanks to a friend, in my second lesson this random guy turns to me and asks "How's the swine?" with a grin. The cheek of it! I don't have swine! Just a bit of a cough. It was quite funny though, in our first media lesson the aforementioned friend managed to make me into a lesbian nun with swine flu. Fantastic. That's just the impression I want to give to all these new people. Naah, it's all good fun though and I love love love it.
Film Studies - yet another amazing subject! I think I may prefer this more then media, but only slightly. I have my form tutor and another tutor teaching me in this plus a few friends. The class is just generally laid back and fun and yes, it takes some concentration but it's really interesting. Apart from the fact that I was given homework for the first time today in film studies. Nevermind, it's only a page of A4 on mise en scene. Simple stuff really.
I have such a Lady Gaga craving.
I have such a strange timetable:
Monday:
Free, photography, break, photography, enrichment, lunch, double media.
Tuesday:
Film studies, graphics, break, graphics, free, lunch, photography, free.
Wednesday:
Graphics, film studies, break, film studies, media, lunch, free, free.
Thursday:
Photography, free, break, free, tutor, lunch, free, free.
Friday:
Media, free, break, free, free, lunch, film studies, graphics.
See what I mean? In total I have 12 free periods.
If I didn't have a tutor period lesson 4 on Thursday I could go home after first lesson, but no.
And I have a 3 hours on free time in a row on Friday's. I'm tempted to go home and come back again then, I mean, what am I going to do for 3 hours in the middle of the new forest?
And then there's the lessons themselves.
Graphics - I thought this was going to be amazing. So far I've failed at both lessons. First of all we had to draw from still life and mine turned out awful. I cannot draw to save my life. And secondly we had to edit these images in photoshop. Now, I can use photoshop and I'm pretty confident with it but when there's a hot nerd sat next to you who's about a million times better then you it's a little difficult to a) concentrate and b) actually do anything worthwhile. I'm so used to editing photos of people that I found editing my crap drawing of I-don't-know-what was really difficult! So far, graphics is a fail. But I refuse to give up!
Photography - I'm not too sure what to think so photography yet. My teacher for starters is skitzophrenic, one minute he'll be all teacher-mode and be saying things like "Don't be late to my class or I'll kick you off the course!" and then the next moment he'll be laughing and joking about random things. Plus I haven't finished my work from last lesson which I should probably do but I just don't know where to begin. Gah. Bad times. And we haven't even taken any photos yet.
Media - I am loving media at the moment. Our first task is to make a short film about a subject of our choice and although we haven't started this yet I can guarantee it'll be fun...if not a little stressful because after all, I can't do anything without stressing over it. Aha. Thanks to a friend, in my second lesson this random guy turns to me and asks "How's the swine?" with a grin. The cheek of it! I don't have swine! Just a bit of a cough. It was quite funny though, in our first media lesson the aforementioned friend managed to make me into a lesbian nun with swine flu. Fantastic. That's just the impression I want to give to all these new people. Naah, it's all good fun though and I love love love it.
Film Studies - yet another amazing subject! I think I may prefer this more then media, but only slightly. I have my form tutor and another tutor teaching me in this plus a few friends. The class is just generally laid back and fun and yes, it takes some concentration but it's really interesting. Apart from the fact that I was given homework for the first time today in film studies. Nevermind, it's only a page of A4 on mise en scene. Simple stuff really.
I have such a Lady Gaga craving.
9 September 2009
What Your Mouth Because Your Speech Is Slurred And I Bet You Might Just Swallow Your Tongue.
It's 09/09/09 and I couldn't resist posting on a date like today.
So since the 4th I've been to my college induction which was brilliant. I found out I have the most amazing form tutor ever - he's my brother's old media teacher and is one of those people who everyone seems to like. He looks like he's never actually left college, which, I suppose, he hasn't really.
I made a friend too! Her name's Beth and the only reason we started talking was because we were both too scared to go into the form room even though once we did we found people had already gone in and were sat down and ready. I was slightly embarrassed by this but hey ho.
I also found out that a girl from my old school is in my form which is nice to know although I've never really spoken to her and also a boy from my primary school who I haven't seen in years. The boy hasn't changed much facial-wise but he is a hell of a lot taller and also wears a lot more black. And I mean a LOT more black. It was nice to see him though.
I'm sure all the boys at college smell the same, lynx overkill I believe.
Derren Brown tonight. I can't wait. :3
So since the 4th I've been to my college induction which was brilliant. I found out I have the most amazing form tutor ever - he's my brother's old media teacher and is one of those people who everyone seems to like. He looks like he's never actually left college, which, I suppose, he hasn't really.
I made a friend too! Her name's Beth and the only reason we started talking was because we were both too scared to go into the form room even though once we did we found people had already gone in and were sat down and ready. I was slightly embarrassed by this but hey ho.
I also found out that a girl from my old school is in my form which is nice to know although I've never really spoken to her and also a boy from my primary school who I haven't seen in years. The boy hasn't changed much facial-wise but he is a hell of a lot taller and also wears a lot more black. And I mean a LOT more black. It was nice to see him though.
I'm sure all the boys at college smell the same, lynx overkill I believe.
Derren Brown tonight. I can't wait. :3
4 September 2009
Cause I Toss And I Turn And It Doesn't Feel Right.
So I've been trying to find different ways of making myself fall asleep and last night I was thinking about the next few days and what they'll bring. This got me thinking about how I could introduce myself to all the new people I'll meet and how they'll react. I then began to imagine the scene if one of my tutors made everyone introduce themselves in front of the class and if everyone had to talk about themselves for as long as possible. This then got me thinking about some people I know and how they could keep going and going and going. So then I thought "how long could I go on for?" as I don't really like to talk about me and just me for long periods of time. So I tried it and I ended up going on for 27 minutes (baring in mind this is me last night sat on my bed talking to myself). This is basically what I came up with:
I'm a harry potter junkie who is such a fangirl I spent 12 hours in London in the cold and the wet and the thunder just for a glimpse of the trio. I'm addicted to wonderland-themed things and would happily spend the rest of my days stuck at 5pm (tea-time) and be constantly have tea parties. I love formal wear including that sort of indie-kid-boy-band look with waistcoats and tophats and tail coats. I have an awful memory but I can sing every Panic at the Disco song word for word. Thanks to my dad I'm a fan of swing music and big band. I think the 1920's era was the most glamorous and beautiful and would like to have lived during that time. I love clocks and tophats and teacups and teapots and keys and little doors. I've always dreamt of having a secret door in my house; one that hidden in a bookcase and opens up to a much bigger room with whatever in. I talk to myself very often although it's more imagining what I would say in different situations. I don't function without tea. Crisps give me headaches. I have nosebleeds often. I can type fast then I can write with a Biro and piece of paper. I pretend I can draw when actually my people look more like turkey sprogs. I'm in love with Photoshop and Ronald Weasley. Oh, and Justin Long is pretty too. I have favourites. I don't hate people but I do dislike. I can't stand twilight fangirls, they ruined the series for me. Saying this, I'm a complete hypocrite as I used to be one before the films came out and the whole idea went crazy. Girls who say things along the likes of "Bite my Edward Cullen!" or "I have Cullenism!" should be shot in the head. Vampires. Don't. Sparkle. I've never seen Ghostbusters. I once did a free hugs campaign which is up on YouTube and was one of the best days of my life - I've never hugged so many half-naked, drunken stag parties. I like to volunteer. I'm originally from Shoreham-by-Sea which is near Brighton and I hope to move back to Brighton when I'm older. I say things just to shock people and draw attention to myself which annoys me to no end so if I do start saying things like "I'm dieting" or "look at my ribs" or "I'm going to cut all my hair off" just ignore me or tell me to shut up. I'm a closet goth who loves the whole grotesque side of things like photos of people bleeding or taking drugs. Saying this, I can't stand horror films. When I first watched Edward Scissorhands I had nightmares for 3 months. I paint my nails far too often. I read true-life-stories about child abuse but not because I'm some kind of sick and twisted adolescent but because when you read about a little boy who was abused by his mother and made into her slave and who had the skin on his arms burnt off with mixed bleaches it really brings you down to earth and makes you realise that your petty little problems really don't matter and there are more important things to worry about. I've met Grimmy, Annie Mac and Aled from Radio 1 and they're all lovely. The thought of childbirth makes me feel sick. I don't eat anything made out of pork because when I was younger I decided eating pigs was disgusting and cruel and now 3 or 4 years later I've figured I may as well continue not eating it. If I tried I think I could go veggie but not vegan. I love fairy tales and think Pan's Labyrinth is an amazing film. I love musicals for the simple reason that they make me happy. I'll give any genre of music a go but happy-silly-pop music is my favourite. I play ukulele but not very well. I can't sing. I've always been second-best next to my family and friends, never number one. I've always been the shorter-uglier friend compared to the people I know and I've come to accept it as second-best means no expectations. With hurtful things I say it doesn't bother me but it does, it really really does. I don't like confrontation and will be the first to walk away. I've never been drunk because I'm scared to let my guard down. I've only had one boyfriend which didn't last because I was an awful awful girlfriend. I get excited over the prospect of speaking to someone knew and if I had the choice I'd rather things chanced constantly rather they stayed the same day in day out. The moon makes me feel safe. I don't trust very easily. As soon as I find myself liking someone in a way that's counted as more-then-a-friend I find myself pushing them away for fear that I'll get hurt even though all I want to do is hold them close. But to be my friend all you need is decent conversation and to show a little interest. I love venetian masks. I like most animals but horses terrify me. Colours are pretty and my favourite changes with my mood. I get mood swings and I hate them. I've changed into so many things that I can't keep count. The latest being from a greeby-nobody in year nine to a geeky lass in year 10 to finally realising that I'd rather be someone pretty and happy in year 11 which is where I'm at now. I once planned to be spontaneous which was such an oxymoron. I stress a lot. I cried over my GCSE results for mixed reasons. I've left a lot out but now that I've said all this I feel quite selfish and would quite like to hear about who you are.
I'm a harry potter junkie who is such a fangirl I spent 12 hours in London in the cold and the wet and the thunder just for a glimpse of the trio. I'm addicted to wonderland-themed things and would happily spend the rest of my days stuck at 5pm (tea-time) and be constantly have tea parties. I love formal wear including that sort of indie-kid-boy-band look with waistcoats and tophats and tail coats. I have an awful memory but I can sing every Panic at the Disco song word for word. Thanks to my dad I'm a fan of swing music and big band. I think the 1920's era was the most glamorous and beautiful and would like to have lived during that time. I love clocks and tophats and teacups and teapots and keys and little doors. I've always dreamt of having a secret door in my house; one that hidden in a bookcase and opens up to a much bigger room with whatever in. I talk to myself very often although it's more imagining what I would say in different situations. I don't function without tea. Crisps give me headaches. I have nosebleeds often. I can type fast then I can write with a Biro and piece of paper. I pretend I can draw when actually my people look more like turkey sprogs. I'm in love with Photoshop and Ronald Weasley. Oh, and Justin Long is pretty too. I have favourites. I don't hate people but I do dislike. I can't stand twilight fangirls, they ruined the series for me. Saying this, I'm a complete hypocrite as I used to be one before the films came out and the whole idea went crazy. Girls who say things along the likes of "Bite my Edward Cullen!" or "I have Cullenism!" should be shot in the head. Vampires. Don't. Sparkle. I've never seen Ghostbusters. I once did a free hugs campaign which is up on YouTube and was one of the best days of my life - I've never hugged so many half-naked, drunken stag parties. I like to volunteer. I'm originally from Shoreham-by-Sea which is near Brighton and I hope to move back to Brighton when I'm older. I say things just to shock people and draw attention to myself which annoys me to no end so if I do start saying things like "I'm dieting" or "look at my ribs" or "I'm going to cut all my hair off" just ignore me or tell me to shut up. I'm a closet goth who loves the whole grotesque side of things like photos of people bleeding or taking drugs. Saying this, I can't stand horror films. When I first watched Edward Scissorhands I had nightmares for 3 months. I paint my nails far too often. I read true-life-stories about child abuse but not because I'm some kind of sick and twisted adolescent but because when you read about a little boy who was abused by his mother and made into her slave and who had the skin on his arms burnt off with mixed bleaches it really brings you down to earth and makes you realise that your petty little problems really don't matter and there are more important things to worry about. I've met Grimmy, Annie Mac and Aled from Radio 1 and they're all lovely. The thought of childbirth makes me feel sick. I don't eat anything made out of pork because when I was younger I decided eating pigs was disgusting and cruel and now 3 or 4 years later I've figured I may as well continue not eating it. If I tried I think I could go veggie but not vegan. I love fairy tales and think Pan's Labyrinth is an amazing film. I love musicals for the simple reason that they make me happy. I'll give any genre of music a go but happy-silly-pop music is my favourite. I play ukulele but not very well. I can't sing. I've always been second-best next to my family and friends, never number one. I've always been the shorter-uglier friend compared to the people I know and I've come to accept it as second-best means no expectations. With hurtful things I say it doesn't bother me but it does, it really really does. I don't like confrontation and will be the first to walk away. I've never been drunk because I'm scared to let my guard down. I've only had one boyfriend which didn't last because I was an awful awful girlfriend. I get excited over the prospect of speaking to someone knew and if I had the choice I'd rather things chanced constantly rather they stayed the same day in day out. The moon makes me feel safe. I don't trust very easily. As soon as I find myself liking someone in a way that's counted as more-then-a-friend I find myself pushing them away for fear that I'll get hurt even though all I want to do is hold them close. But to be my friend all you need is decent conversation and to show a little interest. I love venetian masks. I like most animals but horses terrify me. Colours are pretty and my favourite changes with my mood. I get mood swings and I hate them. I've changed into so many things that I can't keep count. The latest being from a greeby-nobody in year nine to a geeky lass in year 10 to finally realising that I'd rather be someone pretty and happy in year 11 which is where I'm at now. I once planned to be spontaneous which was such an oxymoron. I stress a lot. I cried over my GCSE results for mixed reasons. I've left a lot out but now that I've said all this I feel quite selfish and would quite like to hear about who you are.
3 September 2009
Takin' The B-A-T Out Of Basement, Homey
I've started listen to Bo Burnham more and it makes me happy. Go listen. It's not for the faint-hearted. But he is love. ♥
Wait.
What?
Start again.
Okay.
Hello hi!
I got my GCSE results last week. Although, I don't know why I said that. The only person that reads my blog goes to my school so what's the point really?
Stop being pessimistic. Pah.
This is a bad blog.
But I'm happy with my results! Well, most of them. I cried over my graphics result.
I'm tempted to delete that last sentence. Nobody needs to know about my sorry story. But I won't delete it now. I've moved on.
Oh, and the medieval festival I went to was brilliant too. I was lovely seeing my daddio for a while. Especially seeing as he's going on tour soon and I don't know when I'll see him next. Bummer.
But the festival. Yeah. First day, Friday. We turned up. And sorted stuff out. And looked around. And it was good! But not a lot happened seeing as the festival didn't start until the Saturday...
Speaking of Saturday, that was a fun day. We spent most of it wandering about watching the jousting and battles and canons and stuff. Good times.
Sunday was present day and I spent most of my money on things to decorate my room and gifts for the fam-fam. Yay Venetian masks and green leave men.
Monday was the last day. We went exploring. And it was gooood. The evening was funnier though. Seeing as it was the last day everyone who camps over (so basically the staff and the re-enactors) all congregate in the beer tent to have an almighty piss up. Me, Holly, my dad and people we were with were all at the bar when the falconer starts talking to us who had become quite good friends with my dad seeing as my dad's the sound guy who helps him out. As he's chatting, his son plus friend come over too. Now, this friend of the falconer's son (the son was named Josh but I ended up calling him bird-boy) has the most blood-shot eyes I've ever seen in that sort of "hey look how high I am" sort of way - it also didn't help that he was drunk out of his mind. Nice combination.
Anyway, bird-boy's friends begins to look at me and Holly in that so-called alluring way and my daddio sees (something I am most thankful for). My dad being the protective man that he is, turns around and says something along the lines of:
"If you ask what their ages are, I'll punch you."
This was all said with a laugh though, so it was a sort-of-joke-but-so-to-far-and-I-will-hit-you type of thing. Stoner boy looks at my dad like a scared rabbit and steps back asking
"What!? Why?"
So the falconer turns round and says
"Because with a son you only have to worry about one prick in town, but with a daughter you have to worry about every prick in town."
"And you're one of the pricks" my dad added. This worried the poor lad and my dad, seeing his advantage, decided to wind him up even more.
"Alright, I'll make you a deal. Guess which one of these girls is my daughter. It you're correct, I'll punch you. If you don't, I won't." he said laughing, holding his fist up in a mock-fighting pose.
"I don't know! I don't know!" Stoner boy said, going up a few decibels.
"Alright, you ready?" dad laughed as he geared up for the punch, only to drop his arm with a booming laugh as the boy skirted away to hide beside his friend.
All the while this was going on, bird-boy had managed to sly onto Holly and wrap his arm around her. I don't blame him either, she is very pretty. And Holly didn't seem to mind either. And although he was drunk, I'd rather it was him that Stoner boy. My dad, seeing this and being in his wind-up mode, decided to turn on them next. Not in a nasty way, just teasing them as most dads will.
The night ended up with Holly giving the guy her number then finding out that he wasn't 17 as he had told her but actually 22/23. How this was found out I have no idea so who knows how old he is...
It was a brilliant weekend though, thank you Holly for being made of awesome.
Wait.
What?
Start again.
Okay.
Hello hi!
I got my GCSE results last week. Although, I don't know why I said that. The only person that reads my blog goes to my school so what's the point really?
Stop being pessimistic. Pah.
This is a bad blog.
But I'm happy with my results! Well, most of them. I cried over my graphics result.
I'm tempted to delete that last sentence. Nobody needs to know about my sorry story. But I won't delete it now. I've moved on.
Oh, and the medieval festival I went to was brilliant too. I was lovely seeing my daddio for a while. Especially seeing as he's going on tour soon and I don't know when I'll see him next. Bummer.
But the festival. Yeah. First day, Friday. We turned up. And sorted stuff out. And looked around. And it was good! But not a lot happened seeing as the festival didn't start until the Saturday...
Speaking of Saturday, that was a fun day. We spent most of it wandering about watching the jousting and battles and canons and stuff. Good times.
Sunday was present day and I spent most of my money on things to decorate my room and gifts for the fam-fam. Yay Venetian masks and green leave men.
Monday was the last day. We went exploring. And it was gooood. The evening was funnier though. Seeing as it was the last day everyone who camps over (so basically the staff and the re-enactors) all congregate in the beer tent to have an almighty piss up. Me, Holly, my dad and people we were with were all at the bar when the falconer starts talking to us who had become quite good friends with my dad seeing as my dad's the sound guy who helps him out. As he's chatting, his son plus friend come over too. Now, this friend of the falconer's son (the son was named Josh but I ended up calling him bird-boy) has the most blood-shot eyes I've ever seen in that sort of "hey look how high I am" sort of way - it also didn't help that he was drunk out of his mind. Nice combination.
Anyway, bird-boy's friends begins to look at me and Holly in that so-called alluring way and my daddio sees (something I am most thankful for). My dad being the protective man that he is, turns around and says something along the lines of:
"If you ask what their ages are, I'll punch you."
This was all said with a laugh though, so it was a sort-of-joke-but-so-to-far-and-I-will-hit-you type of thing. Stoner boy looks at my dad like a scared rabbit and steps back asking
"What!? Why?"
So the falconer turns round and says
"Because with a son you only have to worry about one prick in town, but with a daughter you have to worry about every prick in town."
"And you're one of the pricks" my dad added. This worried the poor lad and my dad, seeing his advantage, decided to wind him up even more.
"Alright, I'll make you a deal. Guess which one of these girls is my daughter. It you're correct, I'll punch you. If you don't, I won't." he said laughing, holding his fist up in a mock-fighting pose.
"I don't know! I don't know!" Stoner boy said, going up a few decibels.
"Alright, you ready?" dad laughed as he geared up for the punch, only to drop his arm with a booming laugh as the boy skirted away to hide beside his friend.
All the while this was going on, bird-boy had managed to sly onto Holly and wrap his arm around her. I don't blame him either, she is very pretty. And Holly didn't seem to mind either. And although he was drunk, I'd rather it was him that Stoner boy. My dad, seeing this and being in his wind-up mode, decided to turn on them next. Not in a nasty way, just teasing them as most dads will.
The night ended up with Holly giving the guy her number then finding out that he wasn't 17 as he had told her but actually 22/23. How this was found out I have no idea so who knows how old he is...
It was a brilliant weekend though, thank you Holly for being made of awesome.
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