Do Not Read Beauty Magazines...

...they will only make you feel ugly. Difficult though isn't it? How else will we know how to fit in?

I've only got two days left of being sixteen and I've had such an amazing year of it. So my birthday last year, it wasn't the greatest, it wasn't the worst. It was quite and small and I liked it I suppose. This year I've done so many things. Well maybe not loads but more than I imagined I would.

I finished school.
I passed my exams.
I met new people.
I made new friends.
I started college.
I went to a premiere.
I met Aled, Annie and Grimmy.
I spent far too much time down the beach.
I grew to love more people.
I changed ever so slightly.
I said goodbye to a lot of people.
I got a dog.
I redecorated.
I decided what I want to be like.
I went through a lot of glue.
I cried over laughable things.
I laughed about the upsetting.
I broke habits.
I began adjusting.
I grew.
I learnt to appreciate.
And I missed a lot of people.

A good year for me which I will miss very very much. I hope 17 is going to be just as lovely; if not better. Even if my birthday is crappy.

Dear Mum.

You just said that you don't like seeing me hurt. You said you hate seeing me thing upset. You said you haven't seen me this upset in years. But what if you're the reason that I'm hurt? What if you're why I'm upset? What if you're the whole reason for everything. Everything I've been hiding from you. Everything I've kept locked up and hidden away from your prying eyes? Because I'll tell you, you are the reason and the sole purpose for me crying right now. You're why I hide so much from everyone I meet. You're why I can't tell you why or what or when or how.

It's not that I don't trust you or love you because I do. I trust you. And I love you. Very much. But that doesn't mean I want to tell you everything. I don't tell you because I love you. I don't want to hurt you just like you don't want to hurt me. That's why it's so difficult to tell you these things when the time comes simply because I love you and I trust you and I would hate to see you in any kind of pain.

I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for the emotions I feeling. For the words that I've said and the many more that are to come. I'm not sorry at all for anything I'm going to do. And I'm not sorry for the fact that I don't want to talk tonight. I just want you to leave me alone for now. Let me sort this out the way I always sort it out. Let me toss and turn and cry and hurt as much as I can because then I know I won't be so hurtful to you. I would have inflicted it all onto myself rather than hurt you in any way.

I'm sorry I'm so much like you and I hate it. I know I'm going to be exactly the same as you and in some ways I already am. I don't drink or do drugs or lose control because I know I'm going o be exactly like you if I do and I hate it. I hate it. Hate hate hate it. I wish I wasn't so much like you. I wish I was my own person and could grow up not knowing what was to come but I can't. I will always be like you. I can't stop or change this no matter how much I wish I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could change this but I can't. I'm trying to learn to live with it but it's hard. It's hard knowing what I'm going to be like. Hard knowing that one day I will be in the exact same position that you are in tonight. I don't want to know.

I'm not sorry and I loved you.

Open Up A Little Happiness Today.

I've figured that at some point in either the near or distant future I'd quite like to give speed dating a go. It seems quite the 'hip' thing to do at the moment; according to Rev Run's two daughters. I thank MTV for this enlightenment.

Plus, with speed dating you don't get stuck with some random at a bar or where ever talking into your ear with their stinking beer breath about things you don't want to hear. You have an excuse to walk away to a more suitable person and everyone in the room will be in the same position as you. And even if you don't end up finding someone you like, at least you know you won't be the only one - there will always be one other person. Unless of course, everyone gives out their numbers apart from you but then, that it's very likely, is it?

But like I said, I don't exactly plan to do this just yet. I'd like to wait until I'm at least at a suitable age before trying this out.

I'd also quite like to give skydiving a go, just for kicks. And maybe for charity - that way there's no way of getting out of it what with people relying on you to raise money for less fortunate people and all. I just want to have that feeling of euphoria and relief and excitement after landing and see if it's as great as everyone else says it is. And if it takes jumping out a plane at 2500ft then what the hell?

Thinking about it I'd probably have to do it for charity, I think I'd chicken out at the last minute otherwise.

I wonder if I can get to my 100th blog post before the end of 2009? I doubt it but it would be fun to see.

It's Time For Us To Take A Chance.

In 7 days my best friend will be 17. In 14 days it'll be Christmas. On the 27th of December I would have had this blog for a year. In 21 days I'll be a whole year older. Numbers numbers numbers. Count count down.

Twenty one. That's almost a month. I've got ages.
But then the winter holidays will be here.
And Christmas will have been.
So I'll have no time at all.

I want a clock for my birthday. An old one that you have to wind up.
And shoelaces. A barbie doll. A packet of tissues. Night nurse. A cup of tea in a proper cup and saucer. A notebook filled with signatures. Albums dedicated to the day. Family and friends. Truths. The moon. A lollipop. More hangers. A good day. Patterns and signs. Books unveiling secrets. A diary that's not mine. Sellotape. Nice wrapping paper. Good health. A rabbit. Feathers. Contact lens. A packet of digestive biscuits. A proper hug. Tissue paper. For my cat to be healthy. Someone new to talk to. A compliment. Handmade birthday cards. A drawing of a person I know. Spoons with the right amount of curve. Badges. A teddy bear. Thrills. A masquerade. A pretty dress. Beautiful people. A haircut. A Christmas jumper complete with reindeer on the front. Class. Hide and seek. Pin the tail on the donkey. A dressing up box. Indie kids. An elephant. Silence. Drums. A banjo player. A new blanket. Gold. Silver. Scarves. Material. A bow tie. A letter. A love.

Tripping Eyes And Flooded Lungs.

I'm never too sure how to start something like this without sounding too cliche but then again, I am very so I shouldn't worry.

What's in a world full of people? Well of course there's animals and plants and plastic and wood and glass and outside and inside and curtains and rain and wind and lights and coffee and misspellings and handwriting and clouds and behaviour and attitudes and bi-polar. But what's in everyone's individual worlds?

My world seems to be made up entirely of other peoples. I laugh because of you, I cry because of you, I sing because of you, I imagine because of you, I change and shape because of you. I could list forever the things that make me because of you but the question still stands; what's individual? I've given up trying by now. It take far too much time to think about.

So what about you? Are you make up completely of what you think is individual about yourself or are you made up of other people's ideas and impressions? And are you helping to mould and create other people's world as yours is shaped also? Do your reactions stay individual or could they also be changed because of the people around you?

I'm sixteen. I'm not excited for my birthday. I think I'm meaningful. I know I'm not. I've been influenced and pushed by you all my life. I speak in this accent because of you. I laugh this way because of you. I smell the glue on my hand because of you. I can't taste because of you. I'm sick because of you.

I want college back and I want a project. I need my taste buds back and I need to be better. I have to finish what I started and I have to tell you something.

Does The Pain Weigh Out The Pride?

I've had enough of walls and windows and cameras and numbers and notes and money and that crushing feeling of disappointment. I no longer yearn for the feeling of acceptance and I never want to rise to your expectations again. I want you to leave me alone. Accept that I'm not going to be like the person you like the most. I'm not that person who you knew 4 years ago. Let me be. Relish in the fact that I can do these things without it bothering me. Why should it worry you if you're not the one acting out these dramas?

Take a step back and allow me to run wild through the paths of your beautiful mind. Let me twist you and change you and shape you; just like you shaped me. Be open to the fact I'm moving on. I've had enough. I need something new. Go your own way if you must. Make sure you hold your own and everything will be fine. Stay strong. I'm not going to do everything.

Let me make my mistakes. Let me cry, let me laugh, let me watch, let me shut it out. I'm not like you were. You never experienced this. You stepped up to the line but I want to go running over it. I feel like you're holding me at my waist and wrestling me back whilst I kick and scream and plead for you to let me go.

I want to run. Run as far as I can. Cut that corner. Take that jump. Pretend I didn't hear you when you call my name. I want to dance under the stars with that one I dreamt about. I want to walk barefoot around the streets; feeling the hard pavement and the sharp, sharp glass. I want to smile with you and know that everything is going to be alright. I want to see you seeing me pushing the borders you told me not to push. I want to shock and surprise and make you angry. I want to make sure you hear me nice and clear.

Let's pretend for a minute that I didn't care. Let's pretend you were calm and didn't mind. That you looked at me like I was safe no matter what happened. What would you say then? How would your react? What would happen after? When all this is over? What if I had a list and you read it and said "Let's go"? Would I be okay with that? Would I be comfortable knowing what you knew? What would I say? Would I smile and laugh? Would you be proud of me when it was all over? Would you have had enough? Or would you make the list longer? As long as it could possibly be?

Truth be told, I'm jealous of you. Jealous that you've already had your chance. Jealous you've made your choices. Jealous you're happy with them and can stop thinking about them. Jealous of the endless amounts of possibilities you're left with. Jealous you know how I'll feel, what I'll think. Jealous you can tell me these things without thinking about what I'll think next. I'm jealous of you. Of everything thing about you.

And yet I don't want to be like you. I don't what to be like you are. I want to be the reverse of you. Someone different and opposite and myself. I can't stop thinking about how you act. I can't stop telling myself that I'm looking at exactly how I'll be soon. I can't stop thinking that the feelings I'm feeling will be the same as everyone else's when the time comes for me to change, morph, grow into you.

I can't stop thinking that I'm the only one to blame for this. I should have realised when I could have. Stopped myself before my chance was gone. Allowed myself to change before you changed me like you did.

I've had enough. I'm safe without you. I need you but not that close. I want to you show me how I can be without becoming that person yourself. I want you to see that I'm not going to be like this for much longer. I want to tell you. Whisper it to you so I can't see your reaction. Set you clues. Let you believe what you want to believe. Maybe you'll believe something different? Maybe you'll understand and blame it on something else? Maybe you'll just accept it and move on? Maybe you'll change too to fit with what's going to happen?

Or maybe you won't.

Loves Songs So Genuinely Cunning.

The past few days I seem to have been walking around in some kind of haze, catching snippets of other people's conversations whilst I try to focus on what's going on that directly affects me. Other people's conversations are so interesting; I found myself thinking that everyone else has much more interesting conversations than I seem to have. Not to say that the conversations I have are uninteresting - just that other people's are slightly more interesting.

Take for example one conversation I heard on the train - well, it may have been two, they sort of got mixed as I was concentrating on what someone was saying to me at the time. The people on the train, or one group of people, were talking about 2D and 3D shapes whilst another group of people were talking about people they know and how they seem to despise their very own friends. So that got me thinking about if you could get 2D and 3D people. Or rather, 2D and 3D personalities and beings because obviously everyone's 3D. But back to my point. What if everyone that are usually classed as 'shallow' or uninteresting' or just 'close-minded' were actually 2D? They have no volume to them; no interesting aspects. Squares maybe? I guess that may have been where that phase came from. There is nothing interesting about 2D people - they have sides and corners and that's about it. Nothing supporting them. Nothing that could ever amount to anything.

And then you have your 3D people. People who have volume and are interesting and are supported by their views. Or rather, they can support their views themselves. They're open-minded and have fun and are just all-round interesting people.

So what about the people who are bit of both? Some days they're interesting and sophisticated and fit in and are social but on other day's they're shallow and cold and unmotivated. I think most people would fit in this category as everyone has their ups and downs. But then we have this problem that there's nothing really between 2D and 3D. 2 and a half D? But that isn't really rolling-off-the-tongue very smoothing. It can't possible be 4D as that's above the 3D people; nor can it be 1D as that just don't make sense. So any suggestions?

"I blame you for what happened to Josh" was the next thing I heard in passing. I wonder who Josh is? And more importantly what happened to him? It'll be a headliner for the gossip mags I bet.

And you know what? I'm really sick of people who lie constantly. Again, on the train, I could hear this boy going on and on about his martial arts and how you could kill someone with it and how he was only an orange belt (which coincidentally matches his hair colour) but by the time he's a black belt he'll be able to use all the knifes and kill people with his amazing skills. Seriously, shut up. Martial arts is all about self-defence, not killing people. And no way would your teachers let you anywhere near a knife you poor, pathetic boy. Your compulsive lying has caused the truth to expand just a little too much. You don't count anymore. And I'm not sorry.

Poutle is such an amazing word. Thank you for introducing it too me.

You're A Cut Above All The Rest.

So we were sat on the train today after power-walking to the station to desperately try and get the early train when we met a lovely young man. Not a lovely young man as in I wish to make this poor boy my lover but rather he was very gentlemanly. He kindly gave up his seat to us explaining how he got off in two stops anyway. It was so kind of him, I absolutely adore people who are generally friendly.

Like the other day, when I was in town buying things, just as I was waiting for the bus it started heaving it down - much like it is right now in fact. Looking round at the people also waiting for the bus I noticed a woman who looked very prim and proper in that sort of "yes, I've made an effort today and I feel good about it" way not a "I'm better than you" way. MY heart went out to her that evening as she sheltered under her soggy umbrella desperately trying to cover he well-groomed head. So when the bus arrived I told her she could go before me simply because I don't mind the rain and she obviously uncomfortable in it. However, instead of taking up my offer she turned and smiled saying "No, no, you were here first." So not only was she looking incredibly lovely in her smart outfit and recently cut hair, she was also amazingly generous.

I really do appreciate a little kindness now and then. I try to be kind to everyone, to be friendly and helpful. Yet the other day I was told I give off the wring vibes? I was asked if I actually liked one of my friends from college. Jokingly I said no, I hated them with all my heart. So is that what they mean? By sarcasm hurts rather do whatever sarcasm is supposed to do? It's very unnerving when you get told you aren't the one thing you thought you were. I'd just like to apologise to anyone I upset, I really don't mean to, I'm just so used to people accepting the way that I am that I don't think that perhaps I'm upsetting all these new people I'm trying to be friends with.

I really don't want to end on a negative so perhaps a new idea to think about instead? Rather then laughing at that person sitting near you on the bus, or glaring at someone because maybe they're hanging out with the types of people you'd love to be friends with, why not give up your seat to someone? Or compliment someone just because you like what they're wearing or how their hair looks or just because you think they're pretty. It doesn't have to be in a flirty way, it could just be a friendly gesture. A nice "you look really good today" will suffice. It doesn't have to be something ridiculous, just make the effort, go out of your way to make someone else's day just that little bit better. It's easy really when you think about it. There's an endless list of things you could say to someone to cheer them up. Or you could buy them a gift? I'm not talking about Christmas gifts here, I talking about buying them a cup of tea simply because they look cold. Or buying them a flapjack because a few minutes ago they said they were hungry. Or share something? Share your food. Share your coat. Share your umbrella. It's all worth it in the end, right?

Alex I'm so proud of you. Don't worry about your exam, you'll be fine. ♥

Can You Help Me Find A Way To Carry On Again?

I've had enough of this graphics coursework. It's due in on Wednesday but I know if I don't do it now I won't do it at all. And then there's my photography that I'm ridiculously behind in. I just need a whole week of nothing to catch up on everything. The thing is, the next time I'll get a chance is the Christmas holidays but by then everything is due in and over with. Oh what am I do to?

A

ANY particular reason your taking this survey?
I'm desperately trying to find a way to distract myself away from the pain that is my coursework.

ARE you at school, work, or home?
At home currently seeing as it's a Sunday and hibernation day.

AGE at which you 1st drank alcohol?
Older than most people in my year group.

B

BOUGHT anything from Spencer's?
Marks and Spencer's? Food mostly. But it tends to give me stomach aches. "Sad smiley".

BRAVEST person you know?
Anyone who's had to have an all-body x-ray, people able to stand up for others as well as themselves, anyone willing to go skinny-dipping.

BLONDES or Brunettes?
I hate questions like this. I'd rather red heads. :)

C

CRAPPIEST band?
Any with bad lyrics.

CAN your dad beat you in a race?
Ahaa, I doubt it you smoker. :)

COULD you bungee jump?
I could I think. I think I could. I could if I tried. I'd try it I could.

D

DRAWING or painting?
Drawing, I fail at painting.

DOES your bedroom need cleaning?
Yes. Ohhh yess.

DO the drapes match the curtains?
-_- Sexually suggestive questions do not amuse me at the moment.

E

EVER swear at your parents?
No no no no.

EARN enough to pay the bills?
No. Just no.

EXORCIST or SAW movies?
I've only seen the first Saw film and hid from the part with the foot-sawing. And I've only part seen the Exorcist with dearest Ally Wally making jokes throughout so neither for me?

F

FLOWERS or chocolate?
Flowers, they last longer.

FUNNEL cake or Elephant Ears?
Funnel Cake every time.

FIRED from a job?
Not yet. ^_^

G

GIVING or receiving gifts?
Both are lovely.

GOING to the movies or a play?
That all depends on what is being shown.

GONE to the bathroom this hour?
Nope. But I need to now so thanks.

H

HAVING or adopting a baby?
Neither. Ever.

HORSES or cows?
Cows. Horses terrify me.

HEAVY or light-weight drinker?
I wouldn't know.

I

IS Michael Jackson in heaven?
I don't really believe in that kind of thing. I'm more of a it-depends-on-what-you-believe-in kind of person. so if he believed in heaven then maybe. If he believed in reincarnation then maybe not.

INSIDE or outside?
I'm inside at the moment but would like to be outside.

INSTANT or regular coffee?
Neither. Coffee would be flushed down the toilet.

J

JORDAN or Tiger Woods?
I have no idea. Tiger? Just because I don't know who Jordan Woods is?

JETTA or Saab?
Does it make a difference? Really?

JULY 4th or St. Patrick's Day?
St. Patrick's Day.

K

KOOL-AID or Crystal Lite?
Neither.

KANGAROO or Camel?
Spitting or kicking? I'll go with the kicking.

KETCHUP or mustard?
Ketchup but very rarely.

L

LIGHTS on or off during sex?
I wouldn't know, I've only been legal for a year.

LOTTERY scratch offs or Power Ball?
I don't play the lottery.

LIQUOR or beer?
Are they not the same thing?

M

MONTH of choice?
I love October simply because the weather is nice.

MEAL you cook best?
Toast? If that counts.

MISS the most:
Year 10 & 11 days at the moment.

N

NEVER would I:
Admit to someone how I felt about them.

NIGHT owl or early bird?
Night OWL! Just because owls are ♥

NOTE to self:
Your coursework is still incomplete.

O

OPEN your own jars?
Yes?

OFFER to help old people?
My gran :)

ONLY in America:
Will you find the world's largest elastic band ball.

P

PRESCRIPTIONS you have now or in the past?
Never. I'm healthy y'see.

PAPER or plastic?
Paper.

PRETTY Woman or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candles but only because it reminds me of the Fall Out Boy song. I've never seen either of the films...and I call myself a film studies student...

Q

QDOBA or Chipotle?
Yes. Same.

QUIT my job for:
Nothing. I've never quit.

QUANTITY or quality?
Depends what we're talking about here.

R

ROADTRIP or flying?
Roadtrip please.

RESPONSE to a sneeze?
"Bless you dearest child, may your lurgy be cured."

RIGHT or left handed?
Right handed.

S

SIT or stand all day?
A bit of both please. Sitting all day makes your bum flat. Standing all day just hurts.

SMELL you hate?
Petrol, sweat, rotting pumpkins.

SUSHI of choice?
I've only tried sushi once so...

T

THANK goodness it's:
Monday tomorrow, I get to have fun with camera's in media.

TELL me your middle name?
Ellen. :)

TODAY is:
A Sunday, hibernation day, stress over coursework day.

U

UNDER my bed is:
A load of pillows, blankets, duvets and plushies.

UNDERWEAR brand?
Topshop I suppose? Awh, that reminds me of the Mighty Boosh with the cavemen and their ties. "Topshop!"

USUALLY I sing:
Badly.

V

VITAMINS you take?
Iron sometimes? But that's not really a vitamin...

VERY much like?
A lot of things. See the previous entry.

VACCINES I've had:
Cervical cancer, TB, menigitus, others maybe?

W

WITHDRAWS from:
My bank account.

WEAPONS I own?
Hot straightners, hairspray and heeled shoes.

WAFFLES or pancakes?
Pancakes. I can eat hundreds of them.

X

X-RAY you've had?
One for my foot, one for my chest.

X-LOVER's Name?
Ahaa, I wouldn't exactly class him as a 'lover'.

X-TRA toppings of:
Extra*, you cheated.

Y

YEAR you were born?
Nineteen ninety two.

YARD sale or goodwill?
If I had a yard, I would have a sale on it.

YELLOW or green?
Both? Togther.

Z

ZOO you've been to?
London and does Longleat count? It's more of a safari park I suppose.

ZACK Morris or Slater?
I have no idea who these people are and I'm too lazy to look them up.

ZITS are:
Easy to get rid of them but should not be squeezed, that's vile. Just wash your face everyday and use teatree and witch-hazel should any make an appearence.

I really do dispise coursework. Especially seeing as it's taken me roughly 2 hours to do just the background, title and to back my images onto card. Not fun.

But Wait, Where Are You Now?

I always get nervous when I learn that someone reads my blogs. I have to explain that most of the time it's just me moaning about my average life and all round self-loathing.
I like the world loathing, it's a bit of onomatopoeic.
I must thank Alex for 'onomatopoeic'...I couldn't remember the word; thank her for telling me the word, not the actual existence of the word. I wonder who did create the word?
Every time I typed the word 'word' then I almost spelt 'world' instead.
So yes, I thank Alex for the world. Some form of illegitimate mother perhaps? That would be fun, having Al as a mum. I don't care what you say, I think it would be.

Stage one of the puff book is complete: actually buying the book for which we will include the puffs.
Stage 2: filling the book.
Stage 3: sending it to John in time for his birthday (August 24th - which happens to be dearest Tantan's birthday).

Can you tell it was this morning that I bathed? I seem to only think of ridiculous ponderings at night. I don't know why. It's a little silly.

I want something big to happen, something shocking. The other day I found myself hoping over and over again for a car crash. Not for the death but for the pure thrill. How depressing. I should move on from this.

I'm self-conscious now about my posts. Now that I know more people than I thought read my blogs. It's not fun times. I'm happy you do, and yes, I do mean you. It's just you probably didn't need to tell me. But if you want to continue reading you're more than welcome to. I'm not exactly going to stop you am I?

Or I could. Depending if you think my blogs becoming increasingly boring is me purposefully trying to stop you reading them, or if you think it's just your own being that is bored my mindless rabble.

Ugh, small paragraphs are a sign on my lack of creativity. I dislike this heartily.

Enough of the negativity. Let's make another list.

I love Julia Nunes. Her songs never fail to cheer me up.
I love how my stomach is rumbling - but it's a good hunger, not that "I'm going to die a painful death" kind of hunger.
I love how my rooms a mess.
I love how I just stopped with fear because a really loud firework went off.
I love how it's winter and everyone has to wrap up now so no-one has to have an excuse for wearing that unflattering hoodie or old, musky scarf.
I love how even though I've had them for years, my colouring pencils are still in rainbow order and not one of them has been lost.
I love the fact that it's only Saturday and we've still got the whole of Sunday to go.
I love how I enjoy my Mondays almost as much as my Saturdays.
I love Pomplamoose and their version of Mister Sandman.
I love how I can see the fireworks from my bedroom.
I love how I have new people to speak to after moaning about having no-one for months.
I love how spellcheck doesn't understand my blogs.
I love how my friend has one of my favourite songs in her 'pm' on msn.
I love how easy it is to change the subject.
I love how everything glitters when the fireworks explode. Especially as the ground is all wet.
I love how I can remember crying over something one bonfire night years ago but can't actually remember the thing that I was crying over.
I love how things become so insignificant over time.
I love how people over-react by in a good way, not with all the screaming and irritating girlyness.
I love how you're still reading this.
I love how my mum just brought me up a cup of tea before she went to bed.
I love how she's going to bed really early.
I love Bo Burnham and his inappropriate song lyrics.
I love how my friends write me little notes in my notebook or on scraps of paper.
I love how people often read things in the wrong way.
I love the fact that girls over react to such silly things.
I love how I don't over react to love interests.
Much.
I love that I'm a teenage and I can use this as an excuse.
I love that my friends have shaped and changed me into something so much better.
I love that I see someone almost everyday that I've hardly seen for the past 3/4 years.
I love how right this second I'm making a fool of myself but the person doesn't mind.
I love how this list is a lot longer than I thought it would be.
I love how my tongue still hurts from when I burnt it a few hours ago.
I love how I have to spell check the word tongue.
I love that I don't know my 6, 7 or 8 times tables and will never need to.
I love that I'm tired but not tired enough to sleep.
I love that I can understand the song Balloons completely yet get utterly confused with Northern Downpour.
I love Northern Downpour.
I love how I almost finished this list with the cliche "I love you" when truth is, I may not know you so no, I don't love you.
I love that I have no hobbies.
I love that the biscuits I ate will show.
I love how I'm finally getting comfortable with that idea.
I love how people make mistakes so often.
I love that I have to explain things to people because they don't understand how I'm describing something.
I love how describe and explain are two different things.
I love people who spell correctly on the Internet.
I love how I failed to spell 'correctly' when I first wrote it.
I love how quickly people move on.
I love that August can send me to sleep.
I love that the fireworks have stopped so that my mum can sleep peacefully.
I love that this list is comprised of things happening right now.
I love that my friend is enjoying her job.
I love book swaps.
I love how hair grows.
I love that things never stay the same for too long.
I love that even though this list is now too long, you're still reading.
I love that you've made it to the end.
Are you happy too?

The World Could Show Nothing To Me

I always seem to have the strangest thoughts when I'm in the bath. No, not illicit thoughts, more like pondering.

Thought 1
So imagine the world is made up of playing cards, what card would you be? Think about it carefully, it could mean a lot more than you think it does.
At first I thought I might be the 3 of hearts; fitting in with the rest of the pack, not standing out. Always in three different states: love, hate, imagination. But then I realised that no, I wasn't the three of hearts. The three of hearts is a very popular card - I mean, let's face it, the hearts are most people's favourites. And I'm not that popular. There are so many other people more worth of the three of hearts, those shiny types that make everything else in the room seem a little brighter when they walk in. I am not one of those people.
So this is when I looked up card meaning - yes, I am taking it this far. I am definitely a three, I have a good feeling about it; according to this list I have found it represents "creativity and communication" so perhaps? Or maybe not. For the sake of this idea I am going to stick with the three.
Now, just for the suit. I figured that I'm not a diamond either, diamonds are lucky and bold. Although second best to the heart (which I have found to be something I describe myself as quite often: second-best), they are still too popular for me. So I'm left with either a club or a spade. I looked up these two on my list, a three of clubs symbolises helpful people and events. Now, I have been told that I am helpful and I know I can be but with this idea of the playing cards I'm imagining it to be more about the person you see, not the person everyone else sees. I know myself better than most people and I am not helpful to myself, thus the three of clubs is out the window. So at last we come to the three of spades: "three's a crowd". Three's a crowd? Yes. This is what I've been feeling lately. Sort of apart of a group but still feeling like a complete outsider in every situation.

So there we have it. I am a three of spades.

Alex, to me you are the jack of hearts: "youthful, ambition without focus, lively youth" and how I wish I was like you. Ambition without focus to me just means you are impulsive and slightly erratic. all positive. Although, like I said, this cards thing is all about how you see yourself not how others see you.

Thought 2
I've found that all my friends, every single one of them has something interesting and different about them. Something that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that you would notice and single-out if they were in a crowd.
I don't want to use an example as I'm not sure people would really want to be written about in my blog if they won't know about it. But just take a look around and you'll soon start to see that everyone seems to have something spectacular about them.
The thing is, I've been trying to find something about me that makes me stand out, and I cannot find anything. Nothing about me makes me stand out of the crowd. There is always someone or something that overshadows me. Second-best. I shouldn't be upset at people for standing out, and I'm not, it's just I would like to stand out once in a while. Make myself heard without feeling like a total poser.

Self-loathing always springs up in the bath tub.

Take Your Bait Before I Play You Out

I'd like to apologise so Sammy, I admit, I haven't been reading you blogs and I feel terrible. And even worse that this, I probably won't catch up on them because I'm lazy and I can't think of a better excuse.
So yes, I'm sorry.

Molly Lewis is an actual doll, her rendition of Poker Face has been on repeat for the past hour now. Go listen, it's amazing. Thank you Mr Hank Green for leading me to her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mf7cQfhJSA

It's almost been a year since I got my ukulele and I still haven't learnt to strum it properly. I'm such a fail, a poser perhaps. Alex you said how you were a poser in your photo with the guitar and all, but at least you don't go round saying you play the damn thing. I need to learn and I need to learn now. It's no good be lying about it at Brock, people seem to be able to spot these kinds of things a mile off.

I just finished re-reading a book about a girl with cancer, a fiction this time, not another one of those true-life stories. She made lists in the book, lists of things she wanted to do and have. I was thinking of comprising one of these lists, just like I did in the summer but I figure that it would probably just end up being some kind of Christmas list and it's only November.

November 5th, Guy Fawkes Night, V for Vendetta. BCG first. Cup of tea. Bath. Bubbles. Conditioner. Jumper. Pyjamas. Warmth. Owls.

I have such an obsession with owls at the moment, I've started drawing them and thinking of making one but I fail at textiles so perhaps not. Alex I blame you for this. The owl thing, not the textiles thing.

I don't want my injection. I'm scared to have it. I feel like such a pin cushion, first the second cancer jab, then the six needles skin test, now the BCG jab. It isn't fun times. At least I get to miss form today I suppose.

P-P-P poker face, P-P-P poker face. ♥

Born Under A Bad Sign, But You Saved My Life.

I haven't written in my blog for almost a month now; if I had left it two more days it would have been exactly one full month. It sad but I was starting to feel a little disconnected from the blogging world yet if it had not been for Alexandra Scarlett I wouldn't have started writing again. See, she told me about her new post which I have just finished reading and that sort of spurred me on. And now I have a heck of a lot of reading to be catching up with. I feel like I've become a bit of a let-down; I used to read everyone's blogs and now I just don't. How depressing. Nevermind.

It's been nice though, y'know, actually having something to do. I used to be this girl who sat blogging about increasingly dull things that, lets be honest, no-one cares about. And now I'm a girl that blogs about still increasingly dull things that nobody cares about but actually happened! Oh the improvements I'm making!

But seriously, I actually have plans this half term, not just a "yeah whatever happens is cool" holiday like usual. Plus two Halloween parties to go to - one of which I don't actually know the person hosting it, I'm just tagging along. What a rebel.

You can tell I've been busy too; I haven't blogged about the evil x factor twins or the whole Steven Gately saga. What a disappointment on the blogging side. But seriously, Steven Gately!? Of all people!? Why? Why couldn't it have been the twins instead?

I don't actually have that much to say now that I've ranted about disappointments for a bit. I'm going to go back to deviantART and read through kinkei's character meme's now...

With Or Without You

I haven't been keeping up with my subscriptions. I've been dreaming and fantasizing instead. I almost wrote about one of my little dreams the other day but when I tried to explain it just sounded silly and immature. But these little imaginings aren't rude or anything. They're just little things I wish could happen.

The thing is when I look back at what I've been dreaming of, I know it's never going to happen. It's all in my head and no boy is like that in the real world. Or maybe they are but not around me?

Then this thought makes me feel quite lonely. Really lonely. I see my friends finding people or meeting people new and interesting and all I'm seeing for myself is being stuck in a loop, not breaking out of the boundaries or stepping out of the same old thing. I'm terrified that I'm going to be that sad girl that everyone sees as their friend but never think of anything else.

And yet...

I'm too scared to let my shield down. Just as I'm getting used to everyone and everything around me, it get's shaken up again. I say I love change, and I do, I really really do, but this is time it's shaken my confidence so much I don't know what to do.

The thought of being with someone is so uplifting but at the same time is worries me. My last 'relationship' didn't exact go to plan and I know why. I'm too scared that I'll do the same things again and I'll ruin it all over again. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden to somebody.

The person I talk about this kind of stuff do is so happy and bubbly at the moment I don't want to dash her happiness. She's just got herself a boyfriend, see what I mean about people I know finding partners?

So what do I do? Do I ignore all this and hope the feelings will go away? Do I open up a little more and take the chance of getting hurt? Or do I bury myself in self pity and ruin my own life along with the people around me?

I wish I was like I was before. When I didn't care what people thought because I was happy with myself. But instead I'm angry at myself for letting these feelings over run. I'm annoyed I can't face the facts and get on with living. I'm furious with myself for being too scared to start living like normal teenagers do. I'm upset that rather then talking about this with someone I've started to turn against myself. I'm finding flaws in everything I do. A year ago my face was thinner, now I see how much weight I've put on over the summer. I'm disgusted by myself and feel as if the people I'm meeting are thinking the same things I am about myself.

Am I being selfish? Or conceited? Maybe I just need a slap to wake me up.

I wish I had someone here with me. Friends are amazing and the best things in the world, and yes, they would come first before any boyfriend I may have but they don't give off the same energy as a boyfriend does; that sense of protection and affection.

Maybe I will just bury these feelings, it's a lot easier then explaining.

You're A First Time Vegan And It's Nice To Meet Ya

College college college! Oh it's amazing but so so tiring.
I have such a strange timetable:

Monday:
Free, photography, break, photography, enrichment, lunch, double media.

Tuesday:
Film studies, graphics, break, graphics, free, lunch, photography, free.

Wednesday:
Graphics, film studies, break, film studies, media, lunch, free, free.

Thursday:
Photography, free, break, free, tutor, lunch, free, free.

Friday:
Media, free, break, free, free, lunch, film studies, graphics.

See what I mean? In total I have 12 free periods.
If I didn't have a tutor period lesson 4 on Thursday I could go home after first lesson, but no.
And I have a 3 hours on free time in a row on Friday's. I'm tempted to go home and come back again then, I mean, what am I going to do for 3 hours in the middle of the new forest?

And then there's the lessons themselves.

Graphics - I thought this was going to be amazing. So far I've failed at both lessons. First of all we had to draw from still life and mine turned out awful. I cannot draw to save my life. And secondly we had to edit these images in photoshop. Now, I can use photoshop and I'm pretty confident with it but when there's a hot nerd sat next to you who's about a million times better then you it's a little difficult to a) concentrate and b) actually do anything worthwhile. I'm so used to editing photos of people that I found editing my crap drawing of I-don't-know-what was really difficult! So far, graphics is a fail. But I refuse to give up!

Photography - I'm not too sure what to think so photography yet. My teacher for starters is skitzophrenic, one minute he'll be all teacher-mode and be saying things like "Don't be late to my class or I'll kick you off the course!" and then the next moment he'll be laughing and joking about random things. Plus I haven't finished my work from last lesson which I should probably do but I just don't know where to begin. Gah. Bad times. And we haven't even taken any photos yet.

Media - I am loving media at the moment. Our first task is to make a short film about a subject of our choice and although we haven't started this yet I can guarantee it'll be fun...if not a little stressful because after all, I can't do anything without stressing over it. Aha. Thanks to a friend, in my second lesson this random guy turns to me and asks "How's the swine?" with a grin. The cheek of it! I don't have swine! Just a bit of a cough. It was quite funny though, in our first media lesson the aforementioned friend managed to make me into a lesbian nun with swine flu. Fantastic. That's just the impression I want to give to all these new people. Naah, it's all good fun though and I love love love it.

Film Studies - yet another amazing subject! I think I may prefer this more then media, but only slightly. I have my form tutor and another tutor teaching me in this plus a few friends. The class is just generally laid back and fun and yes, it takes some concentration but it's really interesting. Apart from the fact that I was given homework for the first time today in film studies. Nevermind, it's only a page of A4 on mise en scene. Simple stuff really.

I have such a Lady Gaga craving.

What Your Mouth Because Your Speech Is Slurred And I Bet You Might Just Swallow Your Tongue.

It's 09/09/09 and I couldn't resist posting on a date like today.

So since the 4th I've been to my college induction which was brilliant. I found out I have the most amazing form tutor ever - he's my brother's old media teacher and is one of those people who everyone seems to like. He looks like he's never actually left college, which, I suppose, he hasn't really.

I made a friend too! Her name's Beth and the only reason we started talking was because we were both too scared to go into the form room even though once we did we found people had already gone in and were sat down and ready. I was slightly embarrassed by this but hey ho.

I also found out that a girl from my old school is in my form which is nice to know although I've never really spoken to her and also a boy from my primary school who I haven't seen in years. The boy hasn't changed much facial-wise but he is a hell of a lot taller and also wears a lot more black. And I mean a LOT more black. It was nice to see him though.

I'm sure all the boys at college smell the same, lynx overkill I believe.

Derren Brown tonight. I can't wait. :3

Cause I Toss And I Turn And It Doesn't Feel Right.

So I've been trying to find different ways of making myself fall asleep and last night I was thinking about the next few days and what they'll bring. This got me thinking about how I could introduce myself to all the new people I'll meet and how they'll react. I then began to imagine the scene if one of my tutors made everyone introduce themselves in front of the class and if everyone had to talk about themselves for as long as possible. This then got me thinking about some people I know and how they could keep going and going and going. So then I thought "how long could I go on for?" as I don't really like to talk about me and just me for long periods of time. So I tried it and I ended up going on for 27 minutes (baring in mind this is me last night sat on my bed talking to myself). This is basically what I came up with:

I'm a harry potter junkie who is such a fangirl I spent 12 hours in London in the cold and the wet and the thunder just for a glimpse of the trio. I'm addicted to wonderland-themed things and would happily spend the rest of my days stuck at 5pm (tea-time) and be constantly have tea parties. I love formal wear including that sort of indie-kid-boy-band look with waistcoats and tophats and tail coats. I have an awful memory but I can sing every Panic at the Disco song word for word. Thanks to my dad I'm a fan of swing music and big band. I think the 1920's era was the most glamorous and beautiful and would like to have lived during that time. I love clocks and tophats and teacups and teapots and keys and little doors. I've always dreamt of having a secret door in my house; one that hidden in a bookcase and opens up to a much bigger room with whatever in. I talk to myself very often although it's more imagining what I would say in different situations. I don't function without tea. Crisps give me headaches. I have nosebleeds often. I can type fast then I can write with a Biro and piece of paper. I pretend I can draw when actually my people look more like turkey sprogs. I'm in love with Photoshop and Ronald Weasley. Oh, and Justin Long is pretty too. I have favourites. I don't hate people but I do dislike. I can't stand twilight fangirls, they ruined the series for me. Saying this, I'm a complete hypocrite as I used to be one before the films came out and the whole idea went crazy. Girls who say things along the likes of "Bite my Edward Cullen!" or "I have Cullenism!" should be shot in the head. Vampires. Don't. Sparkle. I've never seen Ghostbusters. I once did a free hugs campaign which is up on YouTube and was one of the best days of my life - I've never hugged so many half-naked, drunken stag parties. I like to volunteer. I'm originally from Shoreham-by-Sea which is near Brighton and I hope to move back to Brighton when I'm older. I say things just to shock people and draw attention to myself which annoys me to no end so if I do start saying things like "I'm dieting" or "look at my ribs" or "I'm going to cut all my hair off" just ignore me or tell me to shut up. I'm a closet goth who loves the whole grotesque side of things like photos of people bleeding or taking drugs. Saying this, I can't stand horror films. When I first watched Edward Scissorhands I had nightmares for 3 months. I paint my nails far too often. I read true-life-stories about child abuse but not because I'm some kind of sick and twisted adolescent but because when you read about a little boy who was abused by his mother and made into her slave and who had the skin on his arms burnt off with mixed bleaches it really brings you down to earth and makes you realise that your petty little problems really don't matter and there are more important things to worry about. I've met Grimmy, Annie Mac and Aled from Radio 1 and they're all lovely. The thought of childbirth makes me feel sick. I don't eat anything made out of pork because when I was younger I decided eating pigs was disgusting and cruel and now 3 or 4 years later I've figured I may as well continue not eating it. If I tried I think I could go veggie but not vegan. I love fairy tales and think Pan's Labyrinth is an amazing film. I love musicals for the simple reason that they make me happy. I'll give any genre of music a go but happy-silly-pop music is my favourite. I play ukulele but not very well. I can't sing. I've always been second-best next to my family and friends, never number one. I've always been the shorter-uglier friend compared to the people I know and I've come to accept it as second-best means no expectations. With hurtful things I say it doesn't bother me but it does, it really really does. I don't like confrontation and will be the first to walk away. I've never been drunk because I'm scared to let my guard down. I've only had one boyfriend which didn't last because I was an awful awful girlfriend. I get excited over the prospect of speaking to someone knew and if I had the choice I'd rather things chanced constantly rather they stayed the same day in day out. The moon makes me feel safe. I don't trust very easily. As soon as I find myself liking someone in a way that's counted as more-then-a-friend I find myself pushing them away for fear that I'll get hurt even though all I want to do is hold them close. But to be my friend all you need is decent conversation and to show a little interest. I love venetian masks. I like most animals but horses terrify me. Colours are pretty and my favourite changes with my mood. I get mood swings and I hate them. I've changed into so many things that I can't keep count. The latest being from a greeby-nobody in year nine to a geeky lass in year 10 to finally realising that I'd rather be someone pretty and happy in year 11 which is where I'm at now. I once planned to be spontaneous which was such an oxymoron. I stress a lot. I cried over my GCSE results for mixed reasons. I've left a lot out but now that I've said all this I feel quite selfish and would quite like to hear about who you are.

Takin' The B-A-T Out Of Basement, Homey

I've started listen to Bo Burnham more and it makes me happy. Go listen. It's not for the faint-hearted. But he is love. ♥

Wait.
What?
Start again.
Okay.
Hello hi!

I got my GCSE results last week. Although, I don't know why I said that. The only person that reads my blog goes to my school so what's the point really?

Stop being pessimistic. Pah.
This is a bad blog.

But I'm happy with my results! Well, most of them. I cried over my graphics result.

I'm tempted to delete that last sentence. Nobody needs to know about my sorry story. But I won't delete it now. I've moved on.

Oh, and the medieval festival I went to was brilliant too. I was lovely seeing my daddio for a while. Especially seeing as he's going on tour soon and I don't know when I'll see him next. Bummer.

But the festival. Yeah. First day, Friday. We turned up. And sorted stuff out. And looked around. And it was good! But not a lot happened seeing as the festival didn't start until the Saturday...

Speaking of Saturday, that was a fun day. We spent most of it wandering about watching the jousting and battles and canons and stuff. Good times.

Sunday was present day and I spent most of my money on things to decorate my room and gifts for the fam-fam. Yay Venetian masks and green leave men.

Monday was the last day. We went exploring. And it was gooood. The evening was funnier though. Seeing as it was the last day everyone who camps over (so basically the staff and the re-enactors) all congregate in the beer tent to have an almighty piss up. Me, Holly, my dad and people we were with were all at the bar when the falconer starts talking to us who had become quite good friends with my dad seeing as my dad's the sound guy who helps him out. As he's chatting, his son plus friend come over too. Now, this friend of the falconer's son (the son was named Josh but I ended up calling him bird-boy) has the most blood-shot eyes I've ever seen in that sort of "hey look how high I am" sort of way - it also didn't help that he was drunk out of his mind. Nice combination.

Anyway, bird-boy's friends begins to look at me and Holly in that so-called alluring way and my daddio sees (something I am most thankful for). My dad being the protective man that he is, turns around and says something along the lines of:
"If you ask what their ages are, I'll punch you."
This was all said with a laugh though, so it was a sort-of-joke-but-so-to-far-and-I-will-hit-you type of thing. Stoner boy looks at my dad like a scared rabbit and steps back asking
"What!? Why?"
So the falconer turns round and says
"Because with a son you only have to worry about one prick in town, but with a daughter you have to worry about every prick in town."
"And you're one of the pricks" my dad added. This worried the poor lad and my dad, seeing his advantage, decided to wind him up even more.
"Alright, I'll make you a deal. Guess which one of these girls is my daughter. It you're correct, I'll punch you. If you don't, I won't." he said laughing, holding his fist up in a mock-fighting pose.
"I don't know! I don't know!" Stoner boy said, going up a few decibels.
"Alright, you ready?" dad laughed as he geared up for the punch, only to drop his arm with a booming laugh as the boy skirted away to hide beside his friend.

All the while this was going on, bird-boy had managed to sly onto Holly and wrap his arm around her. I don't blame him either, she is very pretty. And Holly didn't seem to mind either. And although he was drunk, I'd rather it was him that Stoner boy. My dad, seeing this and being in his wind-up mode, decided to turn on them next. Not in a nasty way, just teasing them as most dads will.

The night ended up with Holly giving the guy her number then finding out that he wasn't 17 as he had told her but actually 22/23. How this was found out I have no idea so who knows how old he is...

It was a brilliant weekend though, thank you Holly for being made of awesome.

It Will Make You Crazy

So I started talking to someone new recently which is quite refreshing as it opens up a whole new window of things to talk about instead of those same old conversations I seem to have with the people I know. Anyway, he asked me to tell him about myself and this got me thinking, how can I describe myself in one sentence? (I know, that sounds quite conceited but I assure you I'm not trying to be.) So in the end I came up with this:

"I'm a harry potter fan girl who likes formal wear and tea parties."

This got me thinking about my blogger profile and how I desperately needed to update it. I began to make a short list of things about myself and at first thought quite cockily that "oh, I'm so different and original and blah blah blah". But then I had to laugh at myself. I'm not different, or original, or even the slightest bit out of the ordinary. I'm your basic teenager who, like all the others my age, are stuck in that limbo of not quite grown up but not exactly immature. I mean after all, most girls aged16-17 are disorganised, whiny and often try to be some deep thinking soul when actually nobody cares about their most profound thoughts.

And yet I still continue to tell you mine, silly isn't it?

Contemplating other people's thoughts reminded me of all those stupid love quite people think of which are apparently meant to be 'cute' but in actual fact make anyone who doesn't hold their heart on their sleeve feel slightly sick. Although saying this, a few months ago I did find quite a lovely quote by the artist Andre Jordan which goes:

I do not care what car you drive, where you live, if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone, if your clothes are this years cutting edge, if your trust fund is unlimited, if you are A-list, B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

Quite lovely, isn't it?

Profession: Liar. Liar, Liar, Liar.

A Chinook just flew over and shook my whole house. Shocking really, but that's not what I was going to blog for.

I really wish my comments link worked then I could get feedback with having to take up space in other people's blog. I mean, I love reading your blog Sammy but I'm sure you'd prefer it if you could just leave a comment on the end of my post rather then having to include what you want to say in your blog. If that makes sense? Haha. Fail.

The problem is, I put a lot of effort into making this layout and don't want to get rid of it. I'm stuck with the decision to either get rid of my layout for one that in my opinion isn't very nice but has a comments link or leave my layout as it is and not have a comments link. Who knew such a silly decision could cause so much strife. Pfft.

I'm really nervous to get my results on Thursday. If I don't get an alright result in my graphics I won't be able to continue it at A-Level and my hopes of becoming a graphic designer/photo editor/something similar will be crushed and I'll have no idea what I'll do.

Why does so much always rid on something so little.

Oh What A Beautiful Mess This Is.

If someone you liked told you they thought you as more of a sister then anything else, would you see this as a positive or negative thing?

At first I thought it was a positive thing as it plays a part in the fact that it's not you they don't like, it's the fact that being with you would just be a little strange. Perfectly normal, understandable and I respect that.

On the other hand, for some reason it feels like having a knife stabbed through your stomach. If they felt that way why didn't they say in the first place? And why don't you have the same feelings for them? Has it turned into some kind of inbreeding but not quite?

This is so confusing. I thought I was done with all this by now. It's ridiculous, as soon as I think I've sorted something out, something else comes up that has me all in a tizzle. Namely:

	Peter			hi
	Peter			care to explain why u have blocked me on msn and facebook?
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			You honestly want to know? Even though it'll hurt?
	Peter			yh
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Because you're really dull to talk to and I've had enough of dead end conversations
	Peter			ok thats msn, explain facebook
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Well why stop at msn?
	Peter			so in other words, you just dont like me
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			I didn't say that but if that's how you're going to take it...
	Peter			you just said why stop at msn, facebook is something you can use to know what your friends are up to, so as you have blocked me it could be put as we are not friends
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Well we were more acquaintances anyway
	Peter			right
	Peter			well you could have told me before on msn instead of just blocking me
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Well I don't really like telling people things like this, I prefer to just cut all ties straight away
	Peter			i first thought it was so you would not have told me about the little trick
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			The little trick?
	Peter			you, chris, hollie and charlie apparently being in guildford on wednesday
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Right, not my idea. Please take this up with one of them instead.
	Peter			well i spoke to charlie and she had no idea about it
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			You do realise it was Chris & Holly that were talking to you when all that was planned..
	Peter			yh
	Peter			but you know about it
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Indeed.
	Peter			well as we have sorted all of this out bye
	(ap) Bippie. Hello World.			Bye

Sorry the format's weird, it's copy and pasted from my MSN chat log.

I thought I was done with this too? I mean, usually when you block someone they don't sink so low into actually creating a new account just to talk. If someone blocks you, surely that's a hint that they don't want to talk to you.

Alright, so I admit that I was a bitch for blocking him in the first place and then saying that it was someone else that planned the whole nasty business of pretending that we were going to meet him when we had no intrntion of doing so (although, it is true, I didn't plan it - just had a helping hand in the process). But it you've never spoken to him then you have no right in stating your opinion. I'm sorry but he's just one of those people who don't deserve the wonders of msn and facebook.

I just watched the Eurofighter doing it's thing for the airshow from my bedroom window. That's cheered me up a lot.

I'm so sick of everything now. I want college to start now. I don't care about missing out of the last few days of summer, I just want the change right now.