Does The Pain Weigh Out The Pride?

I've had enough of walls and windows and cameras and numbers and notes and money and that crushing feeling of disappointment. I no longer yearn for the feeling of acceptance and I never want to rise to your expectations again. I want you to leave me alone. Accept that I'm not going to be like the person you like the most. I'm not that person who you knew 4 years ago. Let me be. Relish in the fact that I can do these things without it bothering me. Why should it worry you if you're not the one acting out these dramas?

Take a step back and allow me to run wild through the paths of your beautiful mind. Let me twist you and change you and shape you; just like you shaped me. Be open to the fact I'm moving on. I've had enough. I need something new. Go your own way if you must. Make sure you hold your own and everything will be fine. Stay strong. I'm not going to do everything.

Let me make my mistakes. Let me cry, let me laugh, let me watch, let me shut it out. I'm not like you were. You never experienced this. You stepped up to the line but I want to go running over it. I feel like you're holding me at my waist and wrestling me back whilst I kick and scream and plead for you to let me go.

I want to run. Run as far as I can. Cut that corner. Take that jump. Pretend I didn't hear you when you call my name. I want to dance under the stars with that one I dreamt about. I want to walk barefoot around the streets; feeling the hard pavement and the sharp, sharp glass. I want to smile with you and know that everything is going to be alright. I want to see you seeing me pushing the borders you told me not to push. I want to shock and surprise and make you angry. I want to make sure you hear me nice and clear.

Let's pretend for a minute that I didn't care. Let's pretend you were calm and didn't mind. That you looked at me like I was safe no matter what happened. What would you say then? How would your react? What would happen after? When all this is over? What if I had a list and you read it and said "Let's go"? Would I be okay with that? Would I be comfortable knowing what you knew? What would I say? Would I smile and laugh? Would you be proud of me when it was all over? Would you have had enough? Or would you make the list longer? As long as it could possibly be?

Truth be told, I'm jealous of you. Jealous that you've already had your chance. Jealous you've made your choices. Jealous you're happy with them and can stop thinking about them. Jealous of the endless amounts of possibilities you're left with. Jealous you know how I'll feel, what I'll think. Jealous you can tell me these things without thinking about what I'll think next. I'm jealous of you. Of everything thing about you.

And yet I don't want to be like you. I don't what to be like you are. I want to be the reverse of you. Someone different and opposite and myself. I can't stop thinking about how you act. I can't stop telling myself that I'm looking at exactly how I'll be soon. I can't stop thinking that the feelings I'm feeling will be the same as everyone else's when the time comes for me to change, morph, grow into you.

I can't stop thinking that I'm the only one to blame for this. I should have realised when I could have. Stopped myself before my chance was gone. Allowed myself to change before you changed me like you did.

I've had enough. I'm safe without you. I need you but not that close. I want to you show me how I can be without becoming that person yourself. I want you to see that I'm not going to be like this for much longer. I want to tell you. Whisper it to you so I can't see your reaction. Set you clues. Let you believe what you want to believe. Maybe you'll believe something different? Maybe you'll understand and blame it on something else? Maybe you'll just accept it and move on? Maybe you'll change too to fit with what's going to happen?

Or maybe you won't.